Gods4ever

02/11/12

2012-02-11T07:06:00.000-08:00

Exodus 32:24 "Who has gold?' And they took off their jewelry and gave it to me. I threw it in the fire and out came this calf."

Aaron's excuse always sounded so lame to me. I'm sure Moses was thinking, "yea, right". So often, my excuses are even lamer.

Particularly when it comes to being a good steward with the "jewelry" He has given me. It comes in all forms. Time, money, gifts, talents - how often I "waste" what is given to me - use it for self and not Him. He has instructed me to tithe regularly. My first fruits, my best. How often do I take the best and leave the leftovers for Him?

I have found when giving Him the "first fruits" my priorities, the way I live my life changes. I desire to give Him more. When Aaron said, "I threw it into the fire", I wonder how often do I do the same. Intentionally utilizing my "jewelry" for me and then be surprised when " a calf (sin) comes out". God knows my heart. He knows how I want to use my "jewelry".

Moses was so angry. Do I get that angry about sin? When I see the "calf" being worshiped and not God? When it is me that puts self before Him? Tolerance - another tool of satan. How numb it makes us to His ways being broken. Tolerance - another way of playing with fire and "out came a calf".

I pray I will be a better steward of His "jewelry". To stand firm as Joshua did beside Moses - even when so many do not. I pray that my face glows ("the skin of his face glowed because he had been speaking with God" Ex 34:29) because I am speaking with God, living for Him.

Being a good steward for Him.

With all my "jewelry"

02/10/12

2012-02-10T06:13:00.000-08:00

Exodus 29:15 "Slaughter the ram and take its blood and throw it against the Altar, all around."

All the blood - the oil - the beauty of the Sanctuary - all the gold - their clothes - covered with blood and oil.

I keep thinking back to the Garden of Eden. The beauty, perfection and then sin came into the picture.

It saddens me that Christ blood had to be "thrown" against sin so I may be with Him. It saddens me that our free choice causes His beauty to be covered with sin. For that is what we are - created in His image.

Beauty.

Again, how very thankful I am for my Savior - who in His death and resurrection - "threw His blood against the alter" for me. That in His eyes - through Christ - I am seen as His Beauty.

Because He loves me.

That His one time sacrifice is enough.

No greater love.

02/09/12

2012-02-09T06:22:00.000-08:00

Exodus 25

Acacia Wood is commanded to be used in the building of so many things. It is prized for its extreme durability and the grains' "flame-like" appearance. When different light is shone on it - it can change color. It can be cleaned with water - so dense it won't permeate it. Untreated it can last up to 40 years. Not prone to scraping, holds up to hard use, doesn't need coddled. Resistant to fungus - which causes rot. Extract is used to help endurance of other cheaper woods.

Most of the Acacia wood was then to be covered with a veneer of gold. Pure gold is very soft. It is one of the few pure metals that is yellow. Chemically unaffected by air, moisture, corrosion. Most malleable and ductile of all metals. One single gram can be beaten to a sheet of 1 sq. meter. An ounce can be beaten into 3000 square feet. Gold leaf can be beaten so thin it is translucent, which appears greenish blue because it strongly reflects yellow and red. It is used as an infrared shield. Readily creates alloys with many other metals,, which then modify it to be utilized in different ways. Gold has been a valuable and highly sought-after precious metal for coinage, jewelry, and other arts since long before the beginning of recorded history. Gold standards have been the most common basis for monetary policies throughout human history.

Acacia wood. He knew this was the best wood to withstand the travel, the weather conditions, take down/put up, the journey. Just like with us.

Our foundation must be made of "Acacia wood".

Only He can make us extremely durable through His Word, the Holy Spirit within us, Sabbath time with Him. Only by losing "self" and becoming one with Him do I become "the most durable" for my life's journey. It has to be His "Acacia Wood". All the qualities it holds, can be mine too. The durability, the beauty, originality - so many things that are found only in this type of wood. Such beauty in His inner works.

And then to cover it in gold. It amazes me that they were able to construct all of this in the middle of the desert, in a tent city. To be able to obtain materials needed - no local lumberyard! The gold - another miracle. From the Egyptians. As early as 2600 BC Egyptian hieroglyphs claimed gold was "more plentiful as dirt". It is first mentioned in Gen 2:11. He provided all the resources needed to build this sanctuary - in the desert - in a tent city.

And it brings to mind how He provided the resources which transformed my "tent" into Acacia Wood - His sanctuary. How He has covered my "Acacia Wood" in His gold. Valuable and highly sought after by Him. Precious. His Gold standards I strive to live by.

How my King of Kings has turned me into His Golden princess.

It takes my breath away knowing that when He looks at me - He only sees beauty. He is so proud of me. He is so in love with me. He desires to be with me. All the things I see, think when I look at our sons - He feels so many times over for me.

I so love that I am the daughter of The King.

02/08/12

2012-02-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

Exodus 23:12 "Work for six days and rest the seventh so your ox and donkey may rest and your servant and migrant workers may have time to get their needed rest."

Nichalas, a few years ago, taught me of the importance of taking Sabbath. He was so right. Our society has come so far away from taking a Sabbath - to rest daily IN Him - IN His Word - a time to worship, the adoration and praise of God. Too busy, too selfish, too "self". Everything worldly points to hurry up, just do it, fill every minute up with work, school, activities, etc. Just go, go, go. And satan loves that.

And the more "busy" we become, the less Sabbathing we do. Too fast, too soon is the speed of life. Before you know it you're looking back and realizing you are past middle age. Less time ahead of you than behind. How much of that living was spent Sabbathing?

We are told to pray without ceasing. Do I? For the past 12 years I have tried to Sabbath each morning In Him. The heart transformation I have experienced through being in His Word every day is mind blowing. It has helped me so much in not being anxious, to let go of "my" schedule and follow Him. Too see that all will work out.

Whenever I see someone who is on constant go, looking anxious, tired, frazzled, I just want to shout, "Stop - Sabbath In Him".

I know it doesn't make sense, so much about Him doesn't. That is where the faith, trust, and focus come in as your tools. Amazing how when I spend a block of time resting in Sabbath with Him every day, it begins. The peace and joy. The fruits of the Spirit take hold and rule my life. Priorities change. Things are accomplished. I am blessed with a structured life even in the middle of this chaotic world. And I find the world looks on in wonder because it really should not work that way. Taking time to Sabbath In Him should put me behind and it only puts me ahead.

You have to Sabbath.

02/07/12

2012-02-07T17:09:00.000-08:00

Exodus 20-22:15

Wow! That is a lot of rules. And these don't even contain the ones man added to them. And how many of them I have/will break.

Right off the bat - Exodus 20:3 "No other gods, only me."

Many, many times I have broken it. Each and every moment is a constant fight not to break this one. Through my study of His Word, I have come to the conclusion there are only two gods in this life - Him - the great "I AM" or me - self.

My serving of self leads me to the worship of all other things that I put before Him. All the things that will end up separating me from Him when I put self first. I become consumed with pleasing me - not Him. I am my main focus. It is totally about me. And in doing that - life really will fall apart. I am not God - I can not hold it all together. I will/do fail. I am not God.

I am so thankful though that He knows my heart better then even I do. That He knows it yearns to please Him. That He knows I am a woman after His own heart. How thankful I am that the Holy Spirit interceeds for me - speaks for me - conveys for me when "self" gets in the way.

And I know that when He is my only God - life is right. Even when I have to endure the "fall out" of sin - life is right. It may not make sense at times, but He is in control. He is the one who holds it all together. All of it, not just my little world. He will not fail - He is I AM.

I will never stop being thankful that I live on this side of Christ. I am so thankful that He is the ultimate sacrifice. No other is needed. I am so thankful to be living under His grace and mercy. No animal sacrifice could do that. I am so thankful for the forgiveness that He has given me for past sins and those I will commit. For I will - I am human. Only He was perfect, without sin. Only He could be my ultimate sacrifice.

As I read the punishment for breaking these rules, I came away thinking that there would be so much less crime if we had of stuck to His punishments! And again, I am so thankful that I live on this side of Christ. There had to be a great amount of fear as they lived each day that they would break a rule. I am so blessed that because of Christ I am able to crawl up into my Abba's lap and be that close to Him. Even when I break rules! To live in the security that I am covered. It doesn't give me the feelings of wanting to break the rules because I am free. It motivates me to try and please Him because of His great love.

The rules were set because He knew they were needed. He knew how much we as humans would/do fail. Without rules life would have no order. So even though I can not keep every rule, I do need to learn to live my life accordingly. To have structure in my life. To be more Christlike in my actions.

Time after time it has been proven.

His plans. His way. His rules. They really do work.

02/06/12

2012-02-06T06:16:00.000-08:00

Exodus 17:10-13 "Joshua did what Moses ordered in order to fight Amalek. And Moses, Aaron, and Hur went to the top of the hill. It turned out that whenever Moses raised his hands, Israel was winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, Amalek was winning. But Moses' hands got tired. So they got a stone and set it under him. He sat on it and Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on each side. So his hands remained steady until the sun went down. Joshua defeated Amalek and its army in battle."

We are in a spiritual battle just as real as the physical one the Israelites were fighting. And we can not do it alone. We must surround ourselves with His army - His family. For we will tire out as Moses did. We will need someone to hold us up. The battle doesn't stop when we grow weary. This is when satan attacks the hardest.

God is our "stone". Christ is our "stone". The Holy Spirit is our "stone". His Word is our "stone". The "stone" we base ourselves on. His family is who holds us up - cares for us - fights for/with us.

So important to be in His Word, His church family, committed - a part of - not just a "pew sitter". Your Bible has to be carried in your heart - it isn't a "coffee table" book.

Our God gave us His only Son so we may be on the winning side of this spiritual battle. It's our choice how we fight - who we fight with. Another example of how our hands are used - for the army of satan or for Him -

The side that has already won.

02/05/12

2012-02-05T17:47:00.000-08:00

Exodus 14: 3-4 "Pharaoh will think, 'The Israelites are lost; they're confused. The wilderness has closed in on them.' Then I'll make Pharaoh's heart stubborn again and he'll chase after them. And I'll use Pharaoh and his army to put my Glory on display. Then the Egyptians will realize that I am God."

There are many times when life doesn't make sense. When following God's lead goes against the grain. And during those times, I am sure some persons will look at me and think I am lost. And even I will look at where He is taking me and think the same. It is when I take my focus off of Him - my Shepherd - who is leading me. It is when I look down at my feet, back behind me to where I have come from, the landscape surrounding me - looking everywhere except to Him.

And then I stumble.

It is at those moments the world and satan are waiting for to close in for the kill. How thankful I am that you catch me, don't let me fall. How thankful I am that you take my hand and I look full into your face, as I continue onward with my Shepherd.

My Christ. My Savior. My bestest friend.

"They were totally afraid. They cried out in terror to God." (Exodus 14:10)

The Israelites lost focus again - off of their Shepherd.

"The Israelites walked through the sea on dry ground with the waters a wall to the right and to the left. The Egyptians came after them in full pursuit, every horse and chariot and driver of Pharaoh racing into the middle of the sea. It was now the morning watch." (Exodus 14:22-24)

Ever since I turned to you, grew in you - satan has been in full pursuit. You always provide a way of escape. I am totally surrounded by you on dry, firm ground. Just as when I was baptized, surrounded in water and received the gift of the Holy Spirit who lives within me.

Consumes me.

"God looked down from the Pillar of Fire and Cloud on the Egyptian army and threw them into a panic. He clogged the wheels of their chariots; they were stuck in the mud." (Exodus 14:25)

I had never noticed this before. The same dry ground you provided for the Israelites escape became mud. Just as you do when protecting me. You surround me , and clog up their wheels. How awesome it is walking on your dry, firm ground. Holding your hand - following in your steps. I am so thankful for all you have done/do for me as I journey on to my Promised Home with you.

"If I keep my eyes on God, I won’t trip over my own feet."- (Psalm 25:15)

My Shepherd.

02/04/12

2012-02-04T07:42:00.000-08:00

Exodus 10:12 "God said to Moses: "Stretch your hand over Egypt and signal the locusts to cover the land"

At times it actually frightens me how much power God gives us in our choices. With just the "stretching out of my hand". The ripple effect for His glory or self? What I do and say, touches so many lives. How I am as a wife, mother, daughter, aunt, cousin, friend, etc. all those roles touch someone or someones.

Throughout scripture God used the hands as a tool - Moses and the locust - Christ breaking the bread - the writing of the Bible - just to name a few of the very many.

Moses was told to "stretch out his hand over Egypt and signal the locust". He was going up against a Pharaoh who had went back on his word time and time again. Moses - did he ever feel, "what is the use - did he ever feel defeated? a fool? Or did he stand firm in God.

When I am up against the "Pharaoh's" of this world, when sin seems so overwhelming, I thank you for the hope I see - the light in the darkness. To stand firm in you - to wave my hand and know the locust - your army - is waiting for the signal to overtake and consume every bit of sin.

Again, I am reminded this is such a temporary home. That when I picture Christ on the cross, His hands spread out - He is stretching them over the land for me - for all - for our souls. And one day - when He returns - I will be lifted up to Him - His hands will envelope me.

But until that day, I must reach out my hands to share Him. To devour the lost who are in this world. To draw them to Him. I must be His disciple.

The power He gives me in my hands. I pray I will use it for His glory at every turn. That my heart will not be stubborn as Pharaoh. That I may be a woman after God's heart.

That "the ripples of my hands" will touch lives for Him - until He comes again.

02/03/12

2012-02-03T05:57:00.000-08:00

Exodus 9: 34-35 "But when Pharaoh saw that the rain and hail and thunder had stopped, he kept right on sinning, stubborn as ever, both he and his servants. Pharaoh's heart turned rock-hard. He refused to release the Israelites, as God had ordered through Moses."

Throughout all of this reading (Exodus 7:14-9:35), I am confused as to how were the magicians making the Nile into blood if it already was? Bring frogs when there were already frogs? It would have been more impressive if they had of changed things back.

And that is how satan works. he is a copy-cat - the Master of Lies - trying to entice us to his side by copycatting God, His beauty, His way. And underneath satans' false beauty lies his ugliness - sin. he wants us to believe he is as powerful, that he is god. Only when we are in God's Word, in an intimate relationship with God, are we able to see the difference.

How many times when life is going "well" we think we don't need God? When the "storms of life" cease for the moment? I pray my heart will not be hardened. That the hearts that are, you will use me to disciple to. To teach them that you are a God for all times of life. That only in you are the "storms" easier - that the "good weather times" are made great.

That you are an "all weather" God.

02/02/12

2012-02-02T07:30:00.000-08:00

Exodus 5:22-23 "Moses went back to God and said, "My Master, why are you treating this people so badly? And why did you ever send me? From the moment I came to Pharaoh to speak in your name, things have only gotten worse for this people. And rescue? Does this look like rescue to you?"

So many times when things don't make sense, I begin to question you - your plans - begin to doubt you want the best for me. I begin to listen to satans' or self lies. That you are not a righteous, fair God who loves me. I know, looking back, those times of being on the bottom, were sometimes the result of my choices. Or they were sometimes the place I needed to be in order to rid me of self and rely on you.

Exodus 6:6-8 "Therefore tell the Israelites: "I am God. I will bring you out from under the cruel hard labor of Egypt. I will rescue you from slavery. I will redeem you, intervening with great acts of judgment. I'll take you as my own people and I'll be God to you. You'll know that I am God, your God who brings you out from under the cruel hard labor of Egypt. I'll bring you into the land that I promised to give Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and give it to you as your own country. I AM God." 9 But when Moses delivered this message to the Israelites, they didn't even hear him—they were that beaten down in spirit by the harsh slave conditions."

How many times do I lose focus and take my eyes off of you. To become so wrapped up in my "harsh slave conditions" that all I focus on is "woe is me". To forget that whatever I am going through, isn't anything compared to what you gave up for me. Or what Christ did for me. So wrapped up in the "harsh slave conditions" that I don't even hear you.

I must remember and believe - You are "I AM". you are in control and you are taking me to my "promised land". This is just a temporary place. Just like my past "harsh slave conditions", at the time I didn't know how I'd ever make it through. And today, some of those times I can't even remember. The ones I do - I am so aware of how you brought me through the fire. How you purified me. How when hitting the bottom - after my pity party - I looked and you were always there with me.

All I have to do is believe - You are God. A true, holy, righteous God - my "Abba Daddy" - who holds me in the palm of His hand.

Even during "harsh slave conditions".

02/01/12

2012-02-01T07:27:00.000-08:00

Exodus 4:1 Moses objected, "They won't trust me. They won't listen to a word I say. They're going to say, 'God? Appear to him? Hardly!'" 2 So God said, "What's that in your hand?" "A staff." 3 "Throw it on the ground." He threw it. It became a snake; Moses jumped back—fast! 4-5 God said to Moses, "Reach out and grab it by the tail." He reached out and grabbed it—and he was holding his staff again. "That's so they will trust that God appeared to you, the God of their fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob." 6 God then said, "Put your hand inside your shirt." He slipped his hand under his shirt, then took it out. His hand had turned leprous, like snow.7 He said, "Put your hand back under your shirt." He did it, then took it back out—as healthy as before. 8-9 "So if they don't trust you and aren't convinced by the first sign, the second sign should do it. But if it doesn't, if even after these two signs they don't trust you and listen to your message, take some water out of the Nile and pour it out on the dry land; the Nile water that you pour out will turn to blood when it hits the ground." 10 Moses raised another objection to God: "Master, please, I don't talk well. I've never been good with words, neither before nor after you spoke to me. I stutter and stammer." 11-12 God said, "And who do you think made the human mouth? And who makes some mute, some deaf, some sighted, some blind? Isn't it I, God? So, get going. I'll be right there with you—with your mouth! I'll be right there to teach you what to say." 13 He said, "Oh, Master, please! Send somebody else."

How often do I, after you give me miracle after miracle, throw out excuses as to why I can't/won't do for you? You gave me the miracle of taking my dead marriage and breathing life into it, of children, your nature. All of my life - how you took my stumbling blocks into hell and changed its' direction to stepping stones to you!

Miracle after miracle. Yet, I still struggle between serving self or serving you. Can not do both.

I think back on my life and see all the moments I did not bring honor to you with my choices. And how living in those choices, I wasted moments to be your disciple. How thankful I am that you have worked your miracles and transformed my life and my heart. How you have filled me with your Word and are helping me to be a disciple for you - even with my short comings.

Thank you for allowing me to see Moses as human - a faltering human at times. For the hope that I too am/will be used for you - also a faltering human.

14 "God said to Moses, "I-AM-WHO-I-AM. Tell the People of Israel, 'I-AM sent me to you.'"This has always been my name, and this is how I always will be known."

My favorite name for you, after "Abba, Daddy", is "I AM". It covers everything. How thankful I am that you are my "I AM".

That you are my miracle worker.

01/31/12

2012-01-31T18:41:00.000-08:00

Job 42:12-15 God blessed Job's later life even more than his earlier life. He ended up with fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, one thousand teams of oxen, and one thousand donkeys. He also had seven sons and three daughters. He named the first daughter Dove, the second, Cinnamon, and the third, Darkeyes. There was not a woman in that country as beautiful as Job's daughters. Their father treated them as equals with their brothers, providing the same inheritance.

Again, as I read how God blessed Job even more than before, I wonder did he struggle to be thankful? Was he afraid at times it would be ripped from him again? He had to of mourned his other children. Was his wife bitter?

I know I grieved over the loss of our two babies. At times, I think about how old they'd be today, wonder what they would look like, be doing, how different our lives would have been with them here. I know one day we'll all be together again. And yet, I feel sad and realize I am being selfish for they are in a far, far better place. They are with God. Perhaps that is how Job felt.

Paul writes we are to be thankful for all things. We are promised all things work for His glory. If I focus on me - what I missed out on - then my selfishness over shadows the fact the kids are with you. You know best. In all things I am trying to be thankful. Trust in you - even when it hurts. Focus on you - to get through this journey. Faith that you want the best for me. Treasure your Word within my heart to strengthen me when I get down.

You are my healer.

01/30/12

2012-01-30T08:27:00.000-08:00

Job 40:4,5 "I'm speechless, in awe—words fail me. I should never have opened my mouth! I've talked too much, way too much. I'm ready to shut up and listen."

Sadly, I find comfort that even Job had the same problem I have - flappy mouth. Two ears - one mouth - for a reason.

How often do I ignore the Holy Spirit prodding me to shut up. Hear your voice telling me to, "let it go Deby". See how Christ forgave and gave mercy/grace and I don't. I am trying!

Reading your words throughout chapters 38-40 - You are I AM. And yet, I still take you for granted, see my "self" as the center of this world. How many times my one mouth overcomes the work of two eyes. Focus - Focus is the key.

I pray that I may change my focus to you. Whenever I am feeling that my "self" isn't getting the fair end of things, the respect, buttons pushed, all the things satan shoots at me. What he wallows in. I pray that my focus will remain on you. To be as Christ.

How often I come away from a "floppy mouth" session feeling physically sick in the pit of my stomach. How often I pray to change - over and over - and still - you love me. You encourage me. You help me. You strengthen me.

Your Word - how it fortifies me.

Two eyes - two ears - one mouth - for a reason...........

01/29/12

2012-01-29T12:50:00.000-08:00

Job 37:23-24 "Mighty God! Far beyond our reach! Unsurpassable in power and justice!
It's unthinkable that he'd treat anyone unfairly.
So bow to him in deep reverence, one and all! If you're wise, you'll most certainly worship him."

How thankful I am that the words Elihu spoke were not all correct. How thankful I am that you are within reach - that you live within me. That you are not a distant god who sits on his throne raining down fire/brimstone. I love that you are my Daddy.

One who delights in me, who desires to be with me, to know me, share all with, who is proud of me, who I know I make your heart smile. One who loves me and looks upon me as I do our own children.

I am so thankful for how you are growing me. The persons you have given to me as "family". This morning with Kathy, my sister in you. Last night with our "family group" just eating and bowling. True family.

It so amazes me how people can reject you, your Word, the life you desire for them. How they can not follow you - run after you. I've been there. I know what it is like to live in the world of darkness. Never, ever do I wish to return to the place outside of you. And what comfort I receive from your grace/mercy. Knowing, even in my faults, you still envelope me. Christ blood has/does cover me - completely. What freedom there is in that. Yes, I need accountability. I need your direction. But, in you there isn't any should have's, guilting, or destruction. You build me up - you fortify me - you cleanse me. How and why would anyone not want you?

I continue to pray for the one to disciple. To look through your eyes. What I do see happening as I pray for this, watch for this, is that more often than not - you are my focus. Everywhere I go I see it as a moment, an encounter to share you. I pray you'll continue to use me to grab those outside of you from the grasp of satan. To introduce them to the most wonderful life ever.

Please help me to step back and let you. That I will not be seen or heard - only you.

2012-01-28T07:08:00.000-08:00

Job 33:29-30 "This is the way God works. Over and over again He pulls our souls back from certain destruction so we'll see the light—and live in the light!

How thankful I am for you and your control. Your way. Whenever I think back on the steps I have taken, and where I could be today without you, it shames and humbles me. How much you love me. How often you took care of me - even when I wasn't aware of your care. Through all the mistakes, you were there. Thank you.

I am so blessed - so grateful - so relieved and free - that because I am in you it is all wiped clean. No more.

Curt and I were talking last night about how when we think of how we parented - Adam especially - the way we snuffed out who you designed him to be - and tried to mold him into our image of the perfect child. It brings tears to my eyes and I even feel sick to my stomach. Curt does too.

That is my greatest wish for a do-over. How often I regret I was not the woman in God that I am today to raise them. How so very thankful I am that you are bigger than our mistakes. that you have taken both of them and they are men of you - in you. I pray Adam will forgive me - more than that - that I will forgive me.

I see now satan wants me to cling to those feelings of failure. Adam doesn't feel that way. I know he loves me and has said many times what a wonderful childhood he had. They have both shared often how they wish they could go back in time. Thank you for your wisdom that lives within me through your word. To speak truth to me when I hear the lies of satan and self.

Job 32:8 "It's God's Spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty One, that makes wise human insight possible." Only then am I able to see myself correctly - through you. "For I am fearfully and wonderfully made".

How your Word rebuilds me and strengthens me - corrects my vision.

01/27/12

2012-01-27T07:22:00.000-08:00

Job 30-31

Job led a Godly life - and wondered "why him?" (Mat 5:45 keeps running through my mind of the rain falling on the righteous and unrighteous). As long as we live on this earth, no matter how closely we walk with God, there will always be some of the "fallout" affecting us. I am so thankful for His hedge of protection - to be under His umbrella that prevents "all" effects of sin to attack me. Even in Job - He put limits on satan.

Job makes me realize it isn't about the physical - it's about the spiritual battle. The battle for the soul. So like Job, no matter the damage to this physical life while on earth - I must as Paul says - not lose focus and finish the race. It again goes back to trust/faith/focus. TFF - no matter what.

And honestly, that can be scary to me. To lose all as Job did. And then I think of God. He who gave up His only Son for me. Again, my perspective is changed. As I think of myself, losing all I have (my family), I am scared, want to stop time. When I change and focus on Him - my Daddy - who gave up His "family" for me, I see love and yearn to be with Him. Focus - no matter what I go through will never be more than what He, Christ, and the Holy Spirit did for me.

I am thankful for how He is helping me relate - to see His Word as my genealogy. It is drawing me closer to Him. When I couldn't sleep this early am, I was going over the scriptures I had read and fell asleep between Joseph and Job. I love Joseph and all he is teaching me. I so look forward to meeting him and just listening to him. He has taught me it is "safe" to forgive and trust. To be vulnerable, because He will use it for His glory. I also was continuing to pray for the person He wants me to disciple. May I continue to watch through His eyes not mine.

01/26/12

2012-01-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

Job 28:27,28 He focused on Wisdom, made sure it was all set and tested and ready.
Then He addressed the human race: 'Here it is!
Fear-of-the-Lord—that's Wisdom,and Insight means shunning evil.'"

Do I shun evil? I feel like I am an onion and you are peeling off the layers. I have fallen in love with your wisdom. What a wonderful leader for my life. I know the issues I struggle with are its' way of cleansing me for you.

While sitting and listening in Disciple class last night, I am well aware that I sit in my comfort zone. Although I claim to love you so, I am still focusing so much on me and not on lost souls - or souls that you put into my life to disciple. I have always just been a "seed planter". Are you changing my job? Or is this about Curt? I could see that - I do see him as a disciple and I would be content to let him be our team leader. He has so much patience, gentleness, strength, wisdom - he really is a strong leader - he just hasn't seen himself that way - yet.

We have been challenged to pray every day for a person to disciple and see who God puts into our path. Help me to set aside me and focus on you. To look at the world through your eyes and not mine, so there aren't any souls I overlook. Only through your wisdom will this work - your words - your time - your way. It has to be all about you.

So today is day #1 that I begin praying for a person to disciple - please bring them into my life for you. What I hear you say through your scripture - I am giving you my Wisdom - the evil I want you to shun is that you serve your self - serve me instead.

01/25/12

2012-01-25T07:08:00.000-08:00

Job 23:16 "Is it any wonder that I dread meeting him? Whenever I think about it, I get scared all over again.God makes my heart sink! God Almighty gives me the shudders!"

How thankful I am to be In Christ, who I am resting In. My "defense lawyer", who has already won my case. My bridge to you - so I may have an intimate relationship with you. You - who are "I AM".

It blows me away when I think that YOU desire me. YOU - the creator of all, the God of all, the Most High - desire and love - me. For always have you done so - and for always - you shall continue to love me and draw me closer to you. I love that at any time I may climb up into your lap and share my joys, sorrows, just share. I love that YOU are my Daddy - my Abba.

You have been leading me to see my focus/faith/trust continually needs to be in you. You are helping me to take off, lay down and leave behind the burdens satan, and myself, have "shoulded" me into carrying all these years. Your Son has cleansed me whiter than snow.

As I shed the past, the anger, bitterness, shame - how delightful it feels. Youthful. It makes my heart and spirit feel youthful. The burdens I take on, the darkness of sin not only weighs me down, it ages me. I think of my friends who live/focus/delight in you, and their eyes - the windows of their soul - are so bright they twinkle. I want that. They are forever youthful. I am so thankful you are transforming me. That as I drink you in, delight transforms me.

How I love and adore you.

I've decided I need to keep a log of how Curt touches my heart, makes me smile - laugh each day - as I forget. Thank you for the smiles in my heart. You gave to me such a gift - all that I needed - in him - my Curt. Thank you - for I do so love him, our sons and daughter.

What a blessed life I have -

01/24/12

2012-01-24T12:01:00.000-08:00

Job 21:4-22
As I read Job express his views on how unfair it is the wicked thrive - I then chew on verse 22 "But who are we to tell God how to run his affairs? He's dealing with matters that are way over our heads." Kinda puts things in perspective. Only He can see the whole paradigm.

It is my having faith and trust the He will make things right - He will seek/obtain revenge. Although I feel so vulnerable, I know I am taking steps to relinquish control (as though I actually have control lol). To focus on Him. What I can do for Him. Not wallow in self-pity - to rise above that and live for Him. Focus on Him - not compare or covet. Gets me in trouble every time. He takes care of me and provides what I need and many times what I want. It isn't about the stuff or the drama - it's about the spirit and souls.

My deepest prayer for the past year has/is to let go of all the anger and bitterness. To be free from it so when I encounter persons who "press the buttons of the past", I remain unfazed. I remain strong in Him, I remain so strong in Him that none of the Gifts of the Spirit do I allow to be robbed - particularly my Gift of Joy. I yearn to live in Him - drinking in the Gifts of the Spirit - wallowing in them - consuming them until they consume me - I so want to be free of the anger and bitterness - Job 21:25 "Others die bitter and bereft, never getting a taste of happiness." I do not want to be one of the "others"...........

01/23/12

2012-01-23T09:49:00.000-08:00

Job 16:18 "O Earth, don't cover up the wrong done to me! Don't muffle my cry! 19 There must be Someone in heaven who knows the truth about me, in highest heaven, some Attorney who can clear my name - 20 My Champion, my Friend, while I'm weeping my eyes out before God. 21 I appeal to the One who represents mortals before God as a neighbor stands up for a neighbor. 22 "Only a few years are left before I set out on the road of no return.

Job is crying out to a savior - again - how very thankful I am for my Christ. for all - my Daddy, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and your Word. Thank you.

As I read Job's words, hear his anger, heartbreak, pleas for help - I can not help but wonder in years later - when his life is blessed again - as he is looking upon his "replacement children" - what went through his mind as his memories of this time came back - or did they ever, really leave. Did he become angry at God all over again? Or was he able to let it go and let God? I'm reminded again of Joseph - all he let go and let God. What a man of trust/faith. he really looked at life through your eyes. I pray I too may do so - that I will let go and let you - totally. your words "all for my glory" keeps running through my mind.

My stumbling blocks become your stepping stones.................

01/22/12

2012-01-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

Job 12:13 "True wisdom and real power belong to God; from him we learn how to live, and also what to live for." Job 12:16 "Strength and success belong to God; both deceived and deceiver must answer to him."

I woke up this am after dreaming about persons who anger me. I lay there thinking about the "struggles" I had during this dream and heard you say, "For cryin out loud Deby - LET IT GO".

You have helped me see how my "little faith" is what keeps me hanging onto the anger - my false sense of control - my "wall of security". I am so sorry that I haven't trust/faith that you are in control - that you want what is best for me - because you love me.

I'm getting there!

01/21/12

2012-01-23T09:39:00.000-08:00

Job 8-11
How often did I see you as a God way above me, as a God of only fire/brimstone? I read as Job is crying out for a mediator and am so thankful for my Christ. I read as they struggle their way through and not knowing why all this has happened to him and I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit and your Word to lead me. I read of man having a schedule (Job10:5 5 Unlike us, you're not working against a deadline. You have all eternity to work things out.) which convicts me to utilize my time better for you. Thank you for opening my eyes to you - my heart, soul and mind are yours - I love you.

01/20/12

2012-01-23T09:34:00.000-08:00

Job 7

Started reading another translation - The Message. love this! Job 7 sounds so like me when I was so full of anger towards you regarding my childhood. I am so thankful you are pulling me out of self-pity and anger. Job was such a warrior. I am so thankful you have opened my heart to a book I used to not like - dread reading. Today - I love all of your Word.

Job lost everything - everything but you. He was angry, but didn't turn away from you. He came and spoke to you - he had an intimate relationship with you and spoke freely. I am thankful that I have that too. I pray that you'll lead me to those you want me to disciple - to show/teach just how wonderful and awesome and intimate relationship with you is. To draw near to you - there is nothing better!

01/19/12

2012-01-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

Job 1-4

So much of Job confuses me - encourages me - saddens me - gives me hope. I'm confused because satan is with you - how can that be? It also encourages me that Job was so strong in you - a warrior for you. Example for me. Another example of being on this earth and sin is in our lives - the affects and consequences. It saddens me for Job lost everything in one day. He loved his children - otherwise the daily sacrifices he wouldn't have done. My hope though - is you. You put limits on sin - on satan - and you have a hedge of protection around us (Job 1:10 - "Hast Thou not made a hedge about him and his house and all that he has on every side?". In Christ we are not alone. I am thankful for and know the kids are also in your hands.

Thank you for Job.

01/18/12

2012-01-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

Gen 48:16 The Angel who delivered me from every evil, Bless the boys. May my name be echoed in their lives, and the names of Abraham and Isaac, my fathers, And may they grow covering the Earth with their children.

How neat to think this is my family and you knew one day I would read, study and learn from them. I do so pray this for Adam, Nichalas, Amber and Adam's future bride, their children and those to come - all generations. I am so thankful you have allowed Curt and me to be the beginning of a family sold out for you. I pray all future generations will bring glory and honor to you. To be vessels in bringing others to you. How exciting, knowing we are part of this story in your Word!

01/17/12

2012-01-23T09:21:00.000-08:00

Gen 47:11,12 Joseph settled his father and brothers in Egypt, made them proud owners of choice land - it was the region of Rameses (that is, Goshen) - just as Pharaoh had ordered. 12 Joseph took good care of them - his father and brothers and all his father's family, right down to the smallest baby. He made sure they had plenty of everything.

How Joseph provided the best as Christ has/does for me. Including his brothers - and I was/am a sinner just like them. What a lesson in forgiveness this is - acceptance of what happened, being thankful for it, building from it and letting all the destructive parts go. To see how God's glory shines through everything. My childhood, the favoritism. Forgiveness and go on. Continue on my journey to heaven. Thank you for your Word and my family that lives within the scriptures. Thank you that Curt and I have broken the cycle of favoritism.

01/16/12

2012-01-23T09:08:00.000-08:00

Gen 45:5,7
5 But don't feel badly, don't blame yourselves for selling me. God was behind it. God sent me here ahead of you to save lives. 7 God sent me on ahead to pave the way and make sure there was a remnant in the land, to save your lives in an amazing act of deliverance.

Joseph speaks to his brothers, he said he knew God had delivered him there to save the lineage. But, why all the drama up to this point? To test their hearts? To let them see how much God is in control? To see how much they really have no power or control and let them see that their lives were literally in his hands? And again, favoritism reared it's ugly head. How Simon must have felt being held in prison until they returned for him. How the brothers couldn't hide from or deny their fathers' favoritism towards Benjamin.

All of this speaks to me - because of the favoritism my childhood sucked so often. The way my parents have always and still do have favorites. It hurt so while growing up, but not anymore. Truth has come out. I guess so much of me sees as Joseph did. God used/uses all the favoritism to mold me into who I am today. He used/uses me as a vessel for Him to "save the lineage" - bring others to Him. As Paul writes, "be thankful for all things." I am getting there. And what a lesson in forgiveness Joseph has taught me.

01/15/12

2012-01-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

Gen 41

I hear you tell me to prepare for a famine - not for only for worldly, but for spiritual. To be prepared for these who are/will be hungry for you. Why you are having us go through the Disciple course. to prepare finacially, organizing, etc., to be a good steward, to exercise, to prepare my body for old age. to be discerning in my life as your Word guides me - to listen.

My biggest regret is not teaching/introducing Adam and Nichalas to the persons in scripture correctly - as our family - our geneology. Our family roots. So much more than just "stories in the Bible". Please may I with our grandchildren!

01/14/12

2012-01-23T08:51:00.000-08:00

Gen 37-39

I'm reading this and thinking the world isn't that old and already what a mess. Favoritism from Jacob to Joseph. How much damage it creates - as with Curt and my families. I pray that Adam and Nichalas feel equally loved and treasured - for they are. I pray that my anger over Christmas happenings didn't cause Adam to feel less. I pray he knows how much I/we love him. Always have - since I knew he was within me.

01/13/12

2012-01-23T08:37:00.000-08:00

Gen 35:6 "Esau took all he had and moved away from Jacob to the hill country because when combined all their belongings were too much for the land to sustain them."

I wonder how their relationship was - if Esau held resentment. Jacob was in his birthplace, his rightful inheritance, which he had established since Jacob was gone. I wonder if Esau ever said, "Jacob, Jacob, Jacob" like "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia"...... Was he a godly man who accepted and thanked God? Were they close in later years?

Then you bring to mind my sister, Diane - your time, your way. I know our seperation hurts you and mom. It really doesn't hurt me anymore - sad. I struggle with apathy towards her. I'm almost at the stage where I feel nothing - when I know I need to pray for her. Please help me set myself aside and love her as you do. All the "Diane's" in my life. As I write this, I know I am only doing so because I'm "soppoesed" to. My heart is hardened towards them as a protection. Bitterness/anger replaces the love the needs to be there - a lot of scar tissue. I pray for faith and trust in your removing the protection I developed and replace it with your protection of love.

01/12/12

2012-01-23T08:35:00.000-08:00

Gen 32 -35 "oh yea of little faith" I keep hearing Curt say this to me. How many times am I like Jacob. Go about trying to do things my way - then consult God. How many times I am following His lead and stop - only to cry out in fear, worry, or anger because life is unfair. That's all you want - my love, my trust, my faith in you.

01/11/12

2012-01-23T08:31:00.000-08:00

Genesis 30:30 "For deby, you had little before I came, and now you are blessed wherever you go."

No, I am not filthy rich with money - would be nice I think - but - I am so blessed in my relationships - with you, my husband, whom I so, so love. Our sons and daughter. Thank you for this place - our business where I get to spend so much time with my best friend. A business that is a tool for you and supports us. Faith and trust - thank you.

01/10/12

2012-01-23T08:23:00.000-08:00

Gen 30:23
"May the Lord give me another son"

Rachael had just had Joseph! Just like me - never satisfied - always wanting a little bit more, instead of being content. And often, my dissatisfaction ruins the joy of what I do have. I need to focus on now - the many, many blessings you have given me. And now I am afraid to ask for your help, because you may strip me of everything. Curt, boys, etc. I did learn from Jane Fonda yesterday to embrace my fears, become its' best friend - know it - so it doesn't have any power over me. Fear is only as big as I allow it to be. To know you are I am and no fear is bigger than you. So - I am going to try and be content - to be a good steward of what you have blessed me with - budget, organized, time management, etc. To step up to my fears - not cower in darkness of bitterness and anger. That's what I do - I'm the barking Bailey - Time to stop at 52 - I'm learning.

01/09/12

2012-01-23T08:20:00.000-08:00

Gen 26:28
"We see plainly that the Lord has/is with you."

I do pray this - that everyone, particularly Curt does - because he is the only person I am almost totally myself with. Even with him I hold back a little. Trust - love is scary for me. I am learning to let go - let you in all things.

01/08/12

2012-01-23T08:15:00.000-08:00

Gen 25:22
Rebekah inquired to you why her twins "struggled" within her womb. Do I inquire/listen when I am in struggles of life? At times. Right now I struggle with loving, even liking, persons who are "struggles" for me. (I know I too cause "struggles".) I also recognize they push buttons of my past from those in my childhood who treated me as though I didn't matter. I can look back and see so many who created "struggles". I "struggle" to be Christlike - not melike. So, I need to llisten to you and your Word. I need to give you my "struggles".

01/07/12

2012-01-23T08:06:00.000-08:00

Gen 21:8-24;67
Thank you - so many emotions. Abraham sending Hagaar and Ishmael away. He was greatly distressed - yet he did as you instructed. Consequence of doing things "our" way. You provided for them to live - sacrifice of Isaac. Abraham's faith that you would provide - he carried out your instructions to the end. Faith that you'd provide a sacrifice - you did. And how the servant had faith in saying what would happen to finding a wife for Isaac - and he did. The same way I talked about finding an apartment for Adam - and you told me to sit back and watch you in action.

Please may I remain focused on you and how you have/do provide. to not have faith in money or stuff, but you. To be comforted by you when I ache from not seeing the boys. How Abraham must have felt, Rebecca's family. I went to sleep last night angry at another person. Thank you for helping me see that I am allowing her to consume me instead of you. I really must focus on you - be faithful and thankful. To look beyond my eyesight and let go. I will! getting there - You have given me progress!

01/06/12

2012-01-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

Gen 18-2 "He looked up and saw three men standing. He ran from his tent to greet them and bowed before them."

Do I recognize you as Abraham did - even Lot - do I honor you? Strive to protect you (Lot protecting them from the men of the city) because I love you so? I know I can't protect you - but to love you in such a way. While going through the bills in my head today, I am trying not to be anxious. Your word to me, "Gen 18:14 - Is anything too difficult for Me?" You set things in perspective - Your Word does that. Thank you.

01/05/12

2012-01-23T07:56:00.000-08:00

I'm doing something different this year as I read through His Word. Each morning before I read, I will pray what words God wants me to take with me and journal it.

Today - Gen 15:1 "do not fear Deby, I am a shield to you; your reward shall be very great."

You give me peace in this and also a kick in the butt. Your words to my heart - "carry on my child with my work - don't be so hard on yourself - love you as I do - it isn't about the material stuff - it's about me. Trust me in regard to you".

how my heart yearns

2011-01-07T10:22:00.000-08:00

for yesterdays. I was making his bed, putting away laundry, cleanup after Christmas and each time he leaves - I realize - this really isn't his home anymore. I mean he is always welcome back whenever, however long. But his stuff, his routine, his scent - it's in Chicago - in an apartment - where he lives alone. Not really alone - God is with him - and I find great comfort in that. Amber lives very close and they are making memories to look back on one day.

I fight back tears - because I really, really miss having my sons as little boys. It isn't that I don't enjoy them now - they are my friends. It's just I so very much miss yesterdays. All those moments that are spent together - hearing their young voices as they play and talk throughout the day. I miss hearing that young little voice say "mommy".

We had one of the best Christmas' that I can remember this year. Perhaps that is why today, the day after Nichalas went back is so very hard. I so, so appreciate that Adam is back home - but even this isn't his "home". He still has stuff in the apartment in Chicago. I know this is just a stopping off place on his journey. Again, I don't want to keep them here forever. I want them to go on in their journey, to have their life that God intended.

It's just that sometimes, I cling to a pillow to smell their scent and fight back the tears. I have a hole in my heart and an empty place in my stomach. I sometimes miss yesterdays more than usual.......

in the pit of my stomach

2010-12-30T20:20:00.000-08:00

I feel anxious - I wish I were able to give things totally over to Him. We made an investment today - in the markets - in which the outcome isn't a for sure win. I hate the unknown. I hate surprises. It causes sleepless nights, unable to eat, not being able to focus....

Even after praying about it, taking advice from a fellow Christian who has researched into this longer than I have, I still feel anxious. Curt has been able to let it go - but then he enjoys playing poker, etc. I enjoy playing - just not for money. So......

I am thankful that we didn't put into this so much that if it is a loss - it won't break us. I just hate thinking about hard earned money thrown away. I am thankful that if this does pan out - well.......it will be nice. So......

I guess I am taking this as a learning time to trust - after all He is "I AM" - in control of all.

It really does help to write it down. I am thankful that He helps me realign my focus.

He is...........

2010-12-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was cooking. I put some vegs in a pan to sweat and left the kitchen for a few moments. From the other room I heard crackling - which I wondered about. Going back into the kitchen I saw that I had turned the wrong burner on. The burner that I had left a wooden cutting board and knife on. I didn't panic - just grabbed the board, which was in flames and threw it into the sink.

It wasn't until later that it hit me how quickly the flames could have been out of control - consuming not only the kitchen - but the whole house. It again hit me that He is......in control of all situations - even if I make the wrong choice - even if it is not on purpose. He is.......

I realized also that He is......in control of the flames of sin that surround me. That He doesn't allow them to consume any part of my heart - let alone my whole soul. He is......my protector. He is....all that I need and I pray that one day all that I am.

So - at the end of this year I reflect. How am I doing? Is He consuming me more and more? Is His Word/His ways consuming me more and more? Do my fruits show progress or black ashes?

He is......my bestest Christmas present. He is.......my true love. He is the true gift of grace and mercy. He is....I AM.

grown ups

2009-11-16T19:08:00.000-08:00

our sons.

Curt, Deby, Adam and Nichalas - Amber had to leave for work on our way back to the apartment.

Amber and Nichalas after graduation.

Curt and I have been visiting them these past few days in Chicago. God has blessed us with perfect winter weather - at times we were walking with our coats unzipped and a little warm. I drug them through over 100 acres of Graceland Cemetary - full of history - beauty and solitude within the business of the city. So much money spent upon the dead - the talent and craftsmanship so beautiful. We have hit Aldi's and loaded them up on groceries. The things we do that make us feel needed - even when they are capable of purchasing their own food. Eating at Square - where Nichalas worked and receiving a $20 ticket for what should have been for over $80 in food and drinks. What an honor and blessing for us to see how well received and respected our sons are.

Sitting in the Navy recruiter office and discussing the next eight years of Adam's life. He has prayed and prayed about this. He is excited. He has tested well and is line for some very good jobs. Just watching him as he navigates about the city, meeting with people. bittersweet - as he sat there a grown man getting ready to serve our country - I saw the little blond, curly headed boy that could only bounce, skip looking back at me with those huge blue eyes, laughing out loud as he discovered another wow in life.

Nichalas became "Chef Nichalas Holtschlag" this Sunday - promptly at noon. Out of 300 students he was the tallest and walked in with one of the shortest girls. When placing his chef's hat upon his head, he was asked to lean down (way down), and when he straightened up the tip of his hat would have hit the 7ft mark. bittersweet. as he stood there a grown man - i still saw the little boy that used to hold onto my little finger as we walked and talked.

As I was walking with them today, I was thinking how much I would love a do over for all the mistakes, to drink in and not waste a moment of time with them. And God whispered - I give you a "do over" each and every moment. It is a time that hasn't been spent, so spend it wisely."

Life is good - Thank you my precious Daddy. How I love you.

Dear Jack

2008-07-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

Re: Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo?

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year ...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo'? (I told him). It's been a year!!!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

Giving up "Isaac"

2008-07-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

Genesis 22:1-18

"Often what you offer God is not what He wants. He usually wants that which you dread giving Him. It is Isaac, the well beloved, that He wants you to give up. What He is after is what comes between you and Him. He will not rest, and neither will you, I might add, until you have given Him everything. If you want to prosper and enjoy God's blessing, don't hold anything back from Him. What comfort, freedom and strength there is when nothing stands between you and God." - Fenelon

We are almost at the day of transition. The guys are moving to Chicago this August 01. Bittersweet - I find myself excited one moment and in tears the next. How I look forward to hearing of their journey ahead, how I long for the steps taken so many years ago. When I hold their hand, I am amazed at the strength, the shape, size while remembering how all four fingers and a thumb would wrap around my little finger. How did all those years go by so quickly........

And it is when I am trying to hold on that God speaks into my ear and whispers, "Isaac". In my loving them so much, I also placed much of my self-worth as a mom. Not just a mom, but a mommy. There are mothers, moms and mommies in this world - just as there are fathers, dads and daddies - I am a mommy. And as they are leaving - I am wondering - what and whose am I.

So often, I have/am placing my worth in my role as a wife, a mommy, a business owner, even as a Christian. I am taking these "roles" and creating my "Isaac". Only when I give Him my Isaac am I able to be one with Him. To see that what/whose I am is His.

And that is all this dot of my life is about. ________.____________________________
After the dot comes eternity - with Him. Why would I want to put "Isaac" between Him and me in this dot - to risk my place with Him forever. Why would I want "Isaac" as my self-worth, when "Isaac" will be no more, but He has/is/always will be.

So I put before Him my "Isaac". Each and every day. Sometimes frequently throughout a day. It is sometimes hard to trust that there is better than my "Isaac". That I won't be completely empty - that He will and has filled that spot. Looking back, I see that when I have given up my "Isaac" - I am then focused on His face.

Focused on His face - A face that words can not describe - a "true Isaac".

at the pump....

2008-05-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

smile

2008-04-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

my brother e-mailed me these..........

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn ,
so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique.
Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed...... Skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like 'The Force'.
It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

two lines

2008-03-19T13:38:00.000-07:00

I watched "Saving Faith" the other day and I really liked some of the lines.

The guy (a Rabi) said to the girl,

"He must of really been showing off when He made you."

A bartender was comforting the priest.

"May those who love us, love us.
May those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts.
And if they won't turn their hearts,
may He turn their ankles so that we may know them by their limping."

luggage

2008-03-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

it has decided to extend its vacation another few days. We arrived at O'Hara and it thought a few more days in London would be grand. Amazing what you think you don't really need until you haven't got it - makeup is probably on the top of my list right now. It even beats out the oil painting of the Medina, blankets, jackets, etc. we purchased while there. Is this being vain. I rather think it is a gift of kindness towards those who would have to look at such a sight. At least I have my curlers, dryer and straightening iron, which were left home due to the plug ins. While there, Adam kept telling me to wear a hat - at least I had makeup on to sorta even out the look.

Seriously, Morocco was a mountain top experience. Being with our "family" and getting to love on those boys. They are too precious. The landscape was unbelievably beautiful. God has such an awesome paint brush. To be standing amongst Roman ruins and realizing how many years and lives have passed on that ground. The people were so open and friendly, even with the language barrier. I suggest very strongly if you go - learn French, Arabic, Spanish, have someone there you know or go with a tour. But even more strongly - just go.

I had to pray a lot regarding the food. The health code there has much to be desired, but disease isn't a problem - how He has our systems adjust. It still amazes me all that isn't refrigerated and isn't spoiled. Curt, Adam, Nichalas went with Chris and his sons to the public bath. Afterwards, he said he was glad he went. I haven't got the urge to go sit in my unders in public. It is hard enough seeing myself alone in that attire.

This trip has helped me readjust my vision. Being back home I find that TV isn't something I really want to spend my time with - the simple ways of their culture really appealed to me. The Medina helped the Scriptures come to life - I find I don't want to lose that - to get caught up in the world as I was. To have my priorities readjusted to the hurry of our culture.

Guess that means a Morocco dose every other year. What a better way to learn more of the language.

a chuckle

2008-02-25T07:39:00.000-08:00

from who we are going to visit in Morocco. She and her son were on a bus going home and it passed their stop. It was dark by now and although it did stop not too far away, she was very uncomfortable. This is how neat our Father is. When she got off, a lady did also and started to question her about where she was walking, etc. And this is what our Father did for her and her son.

"On a lighter note - a language blunder - and this one in English! When the "police woman" escorted us home she quickly told me she was a "police woman" in English, but with her accent, I thought she was saying she was a POLISH woman. So, we talked back and forth in Arabic and some English. She knew a bit of English, but not a lot. She must have told me two or three times that she was a "police woman" and I was thinking "well, I'm really glad that you're proud of your heritage". Eventually I asked her if it was dangerous for her to walk from our house to hers by herself, and again she responded, "no, because I'm a "police woman" - me thinking "POLISH". And, again, I thought "what difference does it make if you are Polish or British or Australian, you're still walking alone", but I didn't say anything. Then she pulled out her ID card and it said in plain English "police" and had a picture of her in uniform. Then I was really smiling inside that the Lord had provided such timely intervention and an opportunity to laugh!

We're so very thankful for the Lord's promise to never leave us or forsake us…thankful for His guidance and encouragement…thankful for His grace and mercy. Please pray that we would be bright lights in this dark place.

today my adam is

2008-02-18T19:32:00.000-08:00

23. It is actually hard to believe. I mean, he looks 23, acts 23, sounds 23. But, when I think that it has been 23 years since the first time I met him, now that is hard to believe. It is also very bittersweet. I so enjoy having our sons as our friends. I love hearing their views, taking their advice, watching them as adults……and at the same time…….my heart swells up and I have to close my eyes to keep the tears in. Particularly when I allow regret to come in. That I did not live each and every day to the fullest. That I allowed many precious minutes to fly by. When I would love to go back to day one and “do over”. Not to really change a lot. Just to enjoy the do over. And then my Father brings me comfort in memories. Many, many memories. Many filled with laughter, with smiles, with just being goofy. How full my treasure chest truly is.

He will leave in just six months. He will leave with his brother. They will have their own “home”. A place where they will create family memories without mom and dad. And that is okay. That is a part of life that I have prayed for them to have. Knowing that one day Curt and I will be gone, I want them to have their own memories to keep them even closer. To help blend their future families. For our future grandchildren to grow up more as siblings than cousins.

Happy Birthday to my special prince. That is what you are. For you so love and serve the King of Kings. I shall always look at your face and see the many images of years past. That first sighting in the delivery room, that blond curly hair above those eyes so blue they looked black. Forever will I hold that precious face as you looked up at me and smiled, in the middle of the night, as you were nursing. The sound of feet running to the door, the look of excitement and joy - because you heard your daddy’s key in the door. The times you taught, shared, loved, teased your brother - and still do. I love your sense of humor. I love the choices you have made. The friends you fill your life with. I am so very proud of “whose” you are. I am excited to see where He is leading you. And there will continue to be times when I have to close my eyes. You know, to keep the tears in.

Christopher Adam - Happy Birthday my precious son. Philippians 1:3,4

supper last night

2008-02-13T10:46:00.000-08:00

was delicious. Roasted chicken with artichokes, tomatoes, onion, garlic, oregano, seasoned pepper and balsamic vinegar.

While preparing it………

Nichalas: “Why are artichokes so sweet?”
Matt: “I don’t know.”
Nichalas: “Because they’re all heart.”
Matt: “Ha-Ha”

Deby: “Oh Nichalas stop, you’ve got me all choked up.”

"Grace is not a blue-eyed blond."

2008-02-11T18:57:00.000-08:00

Define grace in your own words.

The kiss Christ allowed Judas to give Him in the garden. And then He called him friend. When I am as Judas, He still calls me friend. The tears He wept while kneeling in the garden - the tears He wept for me. Releasing His soul to darkness-for me. Raising from death to live. He didn't "go on" and forget me. He came back for me and then "went on". He keeps me.

to come so far...

2008-02-11T18:43:00.000-08:00

and then regress back in just a moment. I love our God. I really, really do. I wouldn't know or want to know what a life without Him would be like. I know that I am His child. I know that He loves me so much He gave me Jesus. I know and believe all of this. And then with just a few words....I fall back to who I was when I was growing up. The feelings that come make me want to vomit. It makes me doubt everything about me. Words have so much power. But, only if I allow them.

Thankfully, my regression only lasts for a very short time. How I pray that that time will one day be none at all. Until then, He surrounds me in His gentle love. How thankful I am for that.

I am facilitating an awesome study, "Conversation Peace" -Mary A Kassian. Wow. There are not a lot of questions, so I underline high points to discuss. More and more I find myself underlining whole sections.

I love how she said this, "When King David was focused on what he should have been receiving from the people who bothered him - respect and kindness, for example-he had nothing good to say. Yet when he becomes focused on his relationship to God and kept his focus there, he found himself filled with "a new song" and began to say good things to his adversaries.

A focus on scarcity results in stinginess while a focus on abundance results in generosity. If we focus on the resources of God, we realize we have an abundance to give. On the other hand, if we focus on what we should be getting from others, we become "stingy" and reluctant to give.

Now that is where true power of words lie. His Words. Each and every one of them.

Things are......

2008-02-06T08:08:00.001-08:00

getting checked off my list. So far, I have gotten our home completely organized and cleaned - except the kitchen cupboards and now am ready to paint. That is a problem....what colors do I choose? I am blessed with a husband who is happy with anything I pick, it's just I don't know. We have one job of brush removal to do for a client and are waiting on the weather to change. Right now it is snowing and everything is covered nicely with white icing. It is so beautiful out here today. I love our Father's paintbrush.

There is a sense of urgency in getting my "to do" list completed soon, very soon. We are taking a trip across the ocean to visit our friends the McMichaels in Morocco for ten days. I am already anticipating nonstop mowing when we get back - which is why I want to get everything done before. This could be our last family vacation. The guys are moving to Chicago this fall to begin the next stage of life. It is exciting - bittersweet. Adam is applying to Columbia and Nichalas has been accepted at the School of Hospitality and Cooking. I love that God has blessed them with such a close relationship and that they will be roommates. What neat memories they will be making.

We are also in prayer about something major. Something wonderful if it pans out. If not, we wait on God's time. No-I am not trying to get pregnant! or adopt.

We are also going through the process of digging for gold - scholarship, grants, etc. gold. That is such a fun thing to do - but worthwhile.

I have kept up with my blogger friends and have received such blessings in reading them, corresponding with them. I also fight envy in how artistic some of them are. One day I will take the time to learn how to do the same with mine.

My goals for 2008 - so far on track.

Continue in His word every day. Listen to Him and write what He says down.

Laugh more. Spend as much time as possible with my family and friends.

Have company more.

Cut back on my gardens. I burnt myself out with all the planting last few years.

Get Neko trained, Pet Safe fence installed and get him off that chain.

I would really like to ride in a hot air balloon. So would my dad. That would be a big step for our relationship.

Send notes of encouragement, love, to someone once a week.

Forgive and move on in regard with my sister - treat her as Christ would - not how I have been.

Lose 10 pounds a month for the next six months. Slim Fast seems to be working. They have a menu plan filled, and I mean filled, with vegs. So, we are eating healthier and most of the recipes have been quite good. Returned back to Aldi's as their vegs, milk, etc. are so much cheaper. Their milk/eggs over a dollar!

Get the house completely cleaned, organized, and painted before we leave.

Taxes - to the accountant. Put on her desk the second week of January!

Bookwork/records/receipts - all files have been purged, updated and receipts are recorded except yesterdays groceries.

Continue to stay on the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace Budget - all I can say ----it works!

It will be interesting to see what the end of 2008 will bring in regard to this list. I do know that as I age, the list keep changing and it really isn't a complete tragedy if things aren't crossed off.

Okay - honestly - the 10 pounds a month would be a tragedy if they are still following me around come 2009.

What about the groom's cake.....

2008-01-11T13:02:00.000-08:00

http://food.aol.com/play-with-your-food/news-photos

Wind

2007-06-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

"Who makes lightnings for the rain; Who brings forth the wind from His treasuries."
Psalm 135:7

I love the wind - I love storms - When I was young, I would sneak out and watch from our porch the magic in the sky. It reminds me of when I am walking to self and not Him - when I am all wind and no blow. That only when He is my God - is there any real power.

To put it mildly - today is a windy day. The plants are all bowing low to the ground, the kind of day it doesn't pay to do your hair. Once when Adam and Nichalas were younger, we took an old water ski, added some old mower wheels, a pole with a sheet on it and went wind sailing on the road in front of our house. I am sure the neighbors were wondering - but we had a blast. All be it our design had some major faults, it was a day we put into our "treasure chest" - our hearts.

On days when I am very hot and sweaty, and I feel the wind caressingly touch my face - I drink it in as a kiss from my Daddy. That He is there with me in my work, watching over me, leading me, keeping me - It seems as though we haven't had too many days this year without the wind. It has hindered my spraying, causing some drift damage, or not being able to spray at all. And yet, because of Him, I am okay with that. He has helped me remove "my" schedule and accept His. That instead of looking at it as a day of getting behind, it is a day to see His power and glory. So often, He has helped me with the wind. Many days we do not have to blow the clippings from the walks - He does. Yesterday, while trimming trees - He removed the leaves we would normally have had to rake up. Or this spring when the grass was so tall, His mighty wind blew it so far out from our mowers that there wasn't much laying on the lawns.

I think about this verse often when I am out working - He brings forth the wind from His treasuries.

His treasuries.

That He considers the wind a treasure. I am amazed at all that He finds a treasure. Particularly when I think about me. That He holds me as one of His most prized treasures.

That He holds me.

In His "Treasure Chest"

His heart.

What an awesome Daddy I have.

Thursday thirteen - on a Sunday

2007-05-20T16:47:00.000-07:00

I went to a small country school the K-6. In 7th grade we moved up the road 1/2 a mile and entered into a different school district. My 7th grade was combined with the 8th and we had a total of 10 kids. Consolidation took place and the rest of my years were at a larger "city" school - a place where the city kids did not want the country kids to enter.

Kindergarten - I was the youngest in my class and not ready for this world at all. Thank the Lord for Mrs. Pilkinginton, who took me under her wing. I was also the tallest and skinny as a rail, shy as all get out - in other words - an easy target. We had a huge room with a large walk in closet that Mrs. P had turned into a play house. Each day we would lay out our matts and take a rest time. She also made music fun by incorporating games into the songs. I think my bladder grew to the size of the blimp as I was too embarrassed to go to the bathroom - until I got home.

First grade - Mrs. Arthur - I can remember what a nice woman she was and I was still struggling to make friends - to fit in. We had penny carnivals once a year and they were such fun. All the families would attend. They had games, a king/queen, programs, etc.

Second - Mrs. Gracey - She had taught my dad and would tell me stories about him. I finally had a friend - Tina. Unfortunately, she was the shortest and tiniest person in the school. We would walk around holding hands during recess and the kids would make fun of our height difference. We would also make the most elaborate leaf houses during recess and the other kids would want to play in them with us. One winter morning as I was running to the bus, I slipped on the ice. All the way to school and at my desk, I could hardly sit down. Mrs. Gracey took me into the bathroom and checked my bottom out. She sent me to the office as I had a rather nasty cut and Mr. Oberling doctored my butt!

Third- Mrs. Crow. My mom bought me blue tights - which looked just like blue underwear. I wore them over my underwear and would hang upside down on the monkey bars. Then I would get very angry when the kids said they could see my underwear. I also would smash these furry black spiders to impress the kids with my "no fear". (What a nerd.) I made another friend Audrey who had me spend the night. On the way to her house a kid was picking their nose and eating it on the bus. She informed me that if one child did it - the whole family did it. Later on that night, I saw her little sister doing it. My first boyfriend - Mike. He was in second grade and everyone made fun of us.

Fourth - Mrs. Wilson - We had a kid in our class - Arthur, who had been held back a couple of years. He was always in trouble trying different antics to attract attention. He also ate glue. Mrs. Wilson took his away and put it in the top drawer of her filing cabinet. Whenever she went out of the room, he would go up, get his glue, lean on the cabinet, hold back his head and drink a stream of glue. She was only about two feet tall as well as around and would try to get that glue from him. We were too scared to laugh at her jumping up. I also had a green dress with pink dots. Whenever it was time to go, we had to stand in the aisle between our desks and wait to be called for our bus. I was swinging on the desks and suddenly threw up all over. I had a major crush on a boy named Tom. The kids would tease him about me. One day Mrs. Wilson picked four of us to go down to the kitchen and get the milk for break. I was so excited that she picked both of us. I had never, ever even talked to Tom - nor him to me. Thinking that this may be a good thing, I was greatly dismayed when he threw me down on the cement floor, climbed on top of me and while choking me told me to stop liking him. This obviously cured me of that crush.

Fifth - Mrs. Soland - Still being shy, I hardly ever talked in class. She had me stand in the corner because I wasn't participating. After being told by my mom I needed to participate, I started to answer all the time. She had me stand in the hall,. I was so nervous and embarrassed, I bit part of the flesh from my little fingernail and it was bleeding. The principal - Mr. Oberling, came by and took me into his office. He wrapped my finger up and talked to me about everything except school and gave me some candy. A girl in my class had a slumber party and had to invite all the girls. (Why I was there.) This was my first experience with the weege board. Scared us to death. They had just built on a new bathroom and family room. I went in and after I went, flushed the stool. To my horror, it wouldn't stop running over. I remember how mad her mom was at me - as if the other girls hadn't put any toilet paper in either. We had a new boy move in and his last name was Wilcox. Mine being Cox - everyone started teasing me about my "new boyfriend". I remember flipping them off. Where I learned that, I don't know - nor did I even know what it meant.

Sixth - Mr. Hart. This was the year that I learned from "city" girls. A new girl, Diane, had to come live with her cousin. Being a misfit too, we quickly became BFF. Whenever I tried to hold her hand as we walked about, she said that was too "hick". I had no idea what that was, only that I didn't want to be. Another new kid - Kenny. He was very plump. He also decided that I was the one for him. I remember the horrors of him smiling at me, winking, even trying to talk to me! At recess I was sitting on the steps with Diane and the kids were in front of us on the lawn playing tag. Kenny kept running by very fast (for a plump kid) hollering at me to "watch". The one time I did look up, he was so surprised that he didn't look where he was going and ran smack into the flag pole. It knocked him out. All the kids, except Diane and me crowded around him to see if he was okay. After he was carried to the nurses office, I was yelled at for not caring about Kenny. My cousin, Cyndi, came to stay with us for a week. She was a year older and from the city. She brought spray on deodorant. After showing me what it was for, how to use it, I promptly picked it up to try out myself. Have you ever had an eye full of deodorant?

Seventh- New kid on the block. Everyone had a boy/girl friend and I just wanted to fit in. One day I wore a ring and told everyone it was from my boyfriend at my old school. Everyone was saying how cool that was, until Terry leaned over and inspected my ring. My popular second ended when he let everyone know I was wearing a sliver nut from a bolt with yarn around it.

Eighth - New kid again. I started to hang out with the city misfits and began a journey down the road of smoking - tobacco, pot and slow gin. I had a favorite pair of black tennis shoes that I wore so much that they rotted. My mom took me to town and made me go into the shoe store alone because they smelled so bad and she was too embarrassed to go in with me. I think she was trying to teach me a lesson.

Fresh - I had a brown maxi coat (remember those) which I loved and wore out like my black tennis shoes. That thing fell apart. My new friends were now with their older friends - which introduced me to a rougher crowd. The Lord was watching over me as nothing "bad" ever happened to me. My boyfriend, Mark, even though he did all the stuff too, treated me like a lady. He had a very kind and gentle soul. My friend, Leasa, and I went riding around with her brother and his friends. They took us miles out in the middle of nowhere and dumped us. I remember my boyfriend wanting to beat them all up. Another time, one of her bothers' friend, Ronnie, told me my boyfriend was waiting for me after the football game by the side of the school. When I followed him, it turned out that Mark was not there and Ronnie then tried to rape me. Mark did beat him up. Last time I heard Ronnie had been in jail for drugs and battery.

Soph - Realizing that I was headed down a bad road that summer, I decided to change. I cut my hair, started dressing nicer and getting new friends. I had a new boyfriend, whom my old best friend decided she wanted. One day after school in the locker room, she and seven other girls ganged up on me to convince me to break up with Mike. Two of the girls were known in town for being able to beat up guys. My knees were knocking together I was so scared. Surprisingly, Mike still wanted to go out with me.

Jr - I didn't date anyone. Had a major crush on a guy named Tom, who strung me along most of the next two years. When I was home my Soph. summer from college we actually did go out. I ended up dumping him. Don't they say turn about is fair play!

Sr - A good year. I made a new BFF - Krissy. Had a wonderful boyfriend, Jay, from my old school. I pretty much hung out with kids from my old school that year. I came in fourth for the Homecoming Queen that year, which surprised me.

This will be the summer of my 30th reunion. Overall, I hated school, have not kept in touch with my classmates and do not plan on attending the reunion. I have been to two - the 10 and 20. At the 20, I felt like I went to lay down old ghost. It was refreshing leaving behind that part of my life and focusing on the beautiful blessings I now have. Even though it was pretty much hell, I realize I wouldn't be who I am today. Finally - I really am thankful.

After three years

2007-04-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

of having problems, of being nagged at, of being reminded that his father died in his 60's from colon cancer - Curt finally had a colonoscopy done. They ended up removing three polyps, doing a biopsy on some tissue and has internal hemorrhoids. (I found out everyone has these - some persons just swell up.)

He told me that he did not experience any pain. After being wheeled back, rolling over, lifting up so they could put something under him, the last thing he said he remembered was the doctor's hand on his butt.

I asked him if he fell asleep with a smile.

"It was a very different funeral

2007-04-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

and very nice". My mom was telling me about her day yesterday. They did not have a service at the church or funeral home. There was a large tent set up at the cemetery. Inside they had a small table with photos, etc. and rows of chairs. The minister gave a very nice sermon and then............................................

"they buried the URINE in the grave".

I'm wondering what they did with the urn.

Pennies from Heaven

2007-04-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

This past Monday it hit me again. Those feelings deep within - a little bit of fear, anxiety, a lot of loneliness wrapped up into a touch of sadness. A repeat of how I feel whenever Curt has left on his work schedule. I don't know if these feelings are more pronounced since I am working alone most of the time or what.

As I am driving or mowing, I find comfort listening and talking with my Father. He reminds me with Scripture that He is here.

And then He gave me His special touch.

For some reason I have always associated pennies with blessings. In the world of money they have lost their value and are often overlooked, cast aside, kept away in a jar, somewhere that shows they haven't a great importance. As I sometimes find myself doing with blessings, unless they are quite big.

It is quite often as I am weed eating I find a penny laying there on the ground and I am reminded of His many blessing. This particular day, each sight I went to - I found a penny laying on the ground.

On Tuesday I was about my day, thinking about how I had felt the day before and how He had lifted me up. Thanking Him for this, I laughingly asked Him if I'd be getting anymore pennies.

Job done, putting up the weed eater in the spot it had came from on my truck, I happened to look down..............

there on the ground by my foot lay a bright, new, shinny penny (the only one I found that day).

I could not stop smiling - in my heart or on my face the rest of the day ---------- and even now.

Val reminded me......

2006-12-05T07:36:00.000-08:00

(You have to check out her canoe story-click Valerie on my links).

Curt and I had met my family to go canoeing on the Current River in 1985. I was reflecting upon the day as we rowed the last leg of the journey. How he had not once - but twice - literally saved myself and my dad in two major wipe outs. That he didn't even hesitate the second time, when he could have just left me there so he could really enjoy the rest of the day - we were only an hour into traveling by then. That he never yelled at me the many times I "navigated" us onto a sand bank, only grunted when pushing us off the 100th one, only ducked silently whenever I took a "shortcut" through downed trees rather than around them. Calmly rescued our things before floating away after I had "almost missed" a couple of underwater stumps - or those that were "barely able to see until you're on top of them".

So here we were, our first time alone together since having Adam two months prior. The scenery was beautiful, the last of the rowing was on completely calm water. The sunset was producing the most awesome reds, oranges, purples and pinks. I was sitting there in front of him thinking how romantic it was, how much I loved him, how happy I was.

When I asked what he was thinking about, he replied, "You know, you really shouldn't be wearing that bikini top until you've lost your baby fat. I'm counting three rolls back here."

I married such a romantic! and the way he has with words.

"Praying the Scripture"

2006-10-17T17:04:00.000-07:00

This comes from the book I read and reread throughout the year, "100 Days in the Secret Place" complied by Gene Edwards. What I am copying comes from Jeanne Guyon who was born in 1648.

"Praying the Scripture" is a unique way of dealing with the Scripture; it involves both reading and prayer.

Here is how you should begin.

Turn to the Scripture; choose some passage that is simple and fairly practical. Next, come to the Lord. Come quietly and humbly. There, before Him, read a small portion of the passage of Scripture you have opened to.

Be careful as you read. Take in fully, gently and carefully what you are reading. Taste it and digest it as you read.

In coming to the Lord by means of "praying the Scripture," you do not read quickly; you read very slowly. You do not move from one passage to another, not until you have sensed the very heart of what you have read.

You may then want to take that portion of Scripture that has touched you and turn it into prayer.

After you have sensed something of the passage and after you know that the essence of that portion has been extracted and all the deeper sense of it is gone, then, very slowly, gently, and in a calm manner begin to read the next portion of the passage. You will be surprised to find that when your time with the Lord has ended, you will have read very little, probably no more than half a page.

To receive a deep, inward profit from the Scripture, you must read as I have described. Plunge into the very depths of the words you read until revelation, like a sweet aroma, breaks out upon you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After spending my devotional time doing this, I came away from a totally mountain top experience with our Father. While mowing today, I was praying and reflecting on this time with Him and realized how very tempting it would be to become a monk. Never having that communication with Him interrupted by other voices.

And then I realized that isn't how God meant for us to be. We are to be in constant communication with Him, and share Him with the world. If not for the voice of the Christians, the unsaved would remain unhearing of His great news. It also lead me to think about the voices I hear in my life. Words can not convey what a blessing it is to hear my husband say he loves me, to have heard my children call me "mommy" and now even as "mom". To hear my family and friends express their love for me. To hear them share their hearts.

The Scripture is so alive with His words. My life is so alive with them and the words of those in my life.

How thankful I am that He is so big and so wonderful that His voice may always be heard even while I am hearing others.

Already

2006-08-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

In the past few weeks while mowing, I noticed the corn was beginning to turn. During that time there are fields that are completely turned and looking ready for harvest. I have found over the years that I catch myself watching the bottom of the stalks, waiting for the beginning of the end to signal. The end of summer. And I have to catch myself from falling into a sadness upon seeing the brown inch its way up the green stalk. It isn't that I mind fall or winter and I do delight in spring. It's just that I LOVE summer. The terrible heat, humidity, relentless sunshine, big white clouds, thunderstorms, cool breezes that brush your skin like a kiss from God, warm rain falling upon you, green, green grass of home, trees waving in the wind or standing still providing shade and coolness.

It just doesn't seem possible that summer 2006 is near completion. I accidentally typed 2016 the other day and realized God-willing, I will see that summer too. Back in the 70's that sounded so far away and now the 70's seem so far away. I guess why I really find myself in sudden sadness is all goes too fast too soon. Am I squeezing all I can out of life? Am I enjoying His many blessings? Do I live for the moment? Are you?

As I mow, I often think of the persons in my life. I smile when I think with the touch of a keyboard so many came into it through blogsville. Praying for some I have never met, may never meet, and those I do know. Reading of their lives and thankful for the bright spots. Funny how God intertwines us. How He takes this great big world and makes it small.

I am glad He is in control.

Beef, Pork, Lamb & Turkey

2006-06-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

Testicles - that is. Tried them all and as most childhood memories go - they weren't as good relived as I remembered. Not bad, just not good. And since I didn't condition myself prior to the event by eating fried foods, only one plate for me. Curt had two and we took a "sampler" home for those who dared. Adam refused to dare-something about them being nasty. I can not believe what a "city boy" I have at times! We gave the last of them to my dad for Father's Day and he was quite pleased.

Curt and I decided that we won't be going back in the future years. Nice to say we've been there, done that, but once is enough. Nichalas and Lucas accompanied us only to be refused at the gate. They created the rule this year that anyone under 21 was not allowed in, even with parents. What was rather ironic is that they walked down the block and ate in the tavern - by themselves.

And on another note - man is it hot out today. 97 when I last looked. The heat got to me and I am now in the AC cooling off before heading back out. I have four commercial props to spray and want to get those done. If the weather holds out, I have more spraying to do at ADM tomorrow. Next week I am to spray Huber's and hopefully, that will be it for awhile. The nice thing about it - I am taking off the rest of my weight rather quickly. Since I haven't updated WWLPP for some time........

I am now 40 pounds lighter than when I started.

Why is it that I feel so much better being at this weight now, when in the past having gained to this same weight I felt horrible? Amazing how easy it is to trick the ole mind.

Sharing my devotion from this morn.

DIVINE LOVE

There is a fire of Divine love.

It is this love which burns the believer and can even cause the believer to suffer. How? Sometimes the absence of the Beloved greatly affects the believer.

Sometimes the believer hears the inward voice of the Beloved calling. It is as a gentle whisper and proceeds from out of the believer's in most depths...where the Lord, the Lover, abides. It is this whisper which possesses the believer almost to the point of undoing. The believer realizes how near is his Lord and yet he also realizes how much of the soul has not yet been possessed by Him.

This intoxicates the believer and puts an insatiable longing within him to be changed into the likeness of his Lord. Therefore, it can be said of love: Divine love is as strong as death, for it kills just as surely as death kills.

-MOLINOS

May you have a blessed day.

I smile when I think about........

2006-06-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

Seeing a g'pa pulling his little granddaughter in a big red wagon, while she pulled along her little toy dog on wheels.

Sitting at a stop light and seeing a daddy on his front porch holding his little boy in his lap just talking. How I loved the back of the boys neck when they were two. Remembering their giggles as I snuggled my nose into that soft spot just below their hairline.

Watching two girls walk down the aisle in Walmart. One was in a rather loud conversation on her cell phone, the other was text mess on hers. I could imagine one calling the other, "Want to go hang out at Walmart?". Talk about quality time together.

An elderly woman driving a huge pickup with her husband sitting in the passenger seat, thinking that will be Curt and me one day - God willing.

Seeing Jacob at K-mart today on his first day at work. Looking rather stylish in that red vest. Although he looks much better in the yellow shirt he bought special when working for me.

The four guys in their speedo's, smoking their cigars, cleaning out the pool. Adam taking a picture perfect slide.

The great efforts Nichalas and his friends went to in order to ambush Lucas with air guns. And the great "war" they all had later. They even took an air conditioner out of the window to get a roof top aim as Lucas walked up to the back door.

That the pool is finally full of clean water and the pump is going. That it is actually still summer!

Learning that Isaac and David will be home real soon.

That Nichalas called his dad this am to ask how many scoops to make coffee. Seeing Drew arrive with a huge box of donuts. Consuming most of both before taking the placement test at JW. I gathered they were afraid of falling asleep.

Although it is very dry, it is still very green and beautiful out here. The corn will soon be tall enough to hide us from the road.

Parked beside me at the pool store was an empty van - running. A little while later coming out of K-mart - an empty van - running - parked beside me. I wonder if it's following me.

That the Testy Festy is only three days away!!!!

Single mom with a weekend boyfriend

2006-06-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

whom I happen to be married to. After getting used to Curt being gone most of the time, I am finding that when we are together it is wonderful. Because he isn't here that often, it seems as though things we used to argue about don't seem worth the time. Too bad it has taken a life change to realize this......

I am finding that we are spending so much time laughing together. How refreshing! Sunday we were in the car on the way home. All of a sudden birds started singing very loudly. I asked, "Are those real birds?" He replied, "If they are, they're in your purse".

Turns out my phone is acting up and isn't staying on the ring toned I have programmed.

We were also in Walmart earlier that day. When we walk it is often holding hands, close to each other, talking and laughing. Arriving over by the milk dept. we see a former client of ours. After saying hello, she said that she had seen Curt earlier but hadn't said anything. When we asked why, she said she didn't think he was with me. This is another client who has never seen me cleaned up.

I am eagerly awaiting our upcoming Saturday date. We will be attending for the first time ever, The Mt. Sterling Testicle Festival. All day today I have been thinking about the food. I couldn't ask for anything more - being with my man and all the fried food I can eat. (Thank God I have another spraying job to get rid of any pounds I will be gaining.)

I just haveta say........

2006-05-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

It is so amazingly beautiful out this spring. The grass has turned greener sooner than usual and with all the colors up against it - I thank the Lord I am able to see.

For the past few days I have felt myself shutting down. Felt the signs of depression knocking on the door of my heart. Often wanting to sob, sometimes in the wrong places. I couldn't figure why. Going through all the things in my life lately - I finally hit home.

Nichalas will be graduating very, very soon. It isn't that I want to go back in time. Perhaps have a day or two here and there to relive. It isn't that I am not excited about he and Adam being young men now, ready to embark upon the next part of their journey.

It's about regrets. It's about not living each day to it's fullest. It's about not living my life for the Lord for so many years. It's about the times I was so caught up in me that I missed being caught up in them.

After I zeroed in on the why, I felt depression turn around and leave. In its place I felt my Father fill me up. For instance - Adam has a heart for God. He has been listening to where God wants to lead him and is about to make the steps for Him. Last night Nichalas was researching in his Bible about a topic he wants to be prepared to discuss with some friends. My marrage has turned around. My walk with Him is so much closer. Family. Friends. My work. How much He has blessed me.

Yes, He fills me up in seeing the fruits of His goodness. Of how He stepped in and took all my many stumbling blocks and made them into stepping stones.

Inner Realities

2006-05-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

(My morning devotion)

Avoid anything that drains or excites you. Your prayer life will dry up if you don't. Don't expect to feed your inward life if you live only for what is outward. You really must learn to renounce all that makes you too outspoken in your conversation. How are you going to cultivate an inner silence if you are always talking? You cannot want God and the things of the world at the same time. Don't you realize that your prayer will be affected by what you cultivate in your daily life?

Fear your excessive enthusiasm, your taste for things of the world, and your hidden ambitions. Don't get so excited over politics and parties. If you get too worked up, it will be harder to calm yourself before God. Speak little and work steadily. Let actions take the place of your flowery words.

After you learn to deal with your wandering thoughts, you must learn to come to God to renew your strength. Learn to do this even amidst the mundane tasks of the day. Keep looking to the Lord for His gentle leading. But don't be so noisy that you can't hear Him!

You will lose your way the minute you decide to go your own way. When you seek God's will alone, you find it everywhere, and you can not go astray. Wanting what God wants always puts you on a straight path. The future is not yet yours; it may never be. Live in the present moment. Tomorrow's grace is not given to you today.

The present moment is the only place where you can touch the eternal realm.

Psalm 46:10 Cease striving and know that I am God.

TORN

2006-05-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

It seems with life passing by so quickly, I am torn so often - one foot wanting to hold on to today, yesterday - the other breathlessly awaiting tomorrows.

How busy everyone is in this life, too busy perhaps. What a blessing it is that I am able to be outside in His world enjoying His beautiful nature. Every evening that I drive up the lane, out to my east in the field are four deer. I wonder where they lay low at during hunting - how do they know not to come around that weekend. Already the spring flowers are fading into the summer ahead. School is about out - Nichalas graduation. Before you know it both will be back into college this fall.

Today I played "shuttle" for my parents as their van was worked on. Now that's a treat. I do love spending time with them - but man is it exhausting. Dad can not hear very well - so many times when another conversation is going on, he begins one himself. I smile as I imagine my wee brain trying to keep up with mom talking to me the same time dad is.

I have been thinking a lot about Kevin and Ret - they are now on their "sunset honeymoon". Doesn't that sound much better than "empty nesters". While they watched two lives become one this past Saturday, I was out spraying - and praying for them. Also my sons. That they too would begin as one with someone who is totally "in" love with our Father.

This past Sunday at the Dogwood Bowl, while watching the boys play football, I sat down by Amber. She was Nichalas' date for prom. I've really never gotten to talk with her one on one. What a beautiful young woman - inside and out. I could cry as I think about how "in" love her heart is with our Father. Her excitement as she talked about Him, her chastity ring, her walk.

I know that she and Nichalas are just friends, but as I was sitting there it occurred to me that one day I would be talking face to face with a young woman whom I have prayed for probably before she was born (God willing). How exciting that time will be. Particularly if God has answered that she will love me with a yes!

So, as time marches on I find I am torn. Walking the next steps of life, the adventures ahead and carrying the many memories to look at and share. Torn because my life is so wonderfully blessed that I don't want this time to end. Then I remember what my g'ma always said.

"No matter how wonderful this stage is in life, the next is even better."

Help!

2006-05-04T16:02:00.000-07:00

Below are a few of the photos from Prom, attempt for Nichalas' Senior pic and misc. of Adam. I am noticing that my older photos don't publish too bad, the new ones though.........is there a secret to getting them to look nicer? less blotchie? I am thinking Mindy may be able to help me here. Thanks.

The group on the porch

2006-05-04T15:58:00.000-07:00

The group at the castle

2006-05-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

At the castle - the three guys

2006-05-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

Lucas & Nichalas

2006-05-04T15:45:00.000-07:00

These two have been best friends since they were two - that's 16 years.

2006-05-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

Nichalas Senior 2006

2006-05-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

Nichalas & Cooper 2006

Adam & Baby Bear (who is 21 also)

2006-05-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

While going through photos & etc. to get things together for Nichalas' graduation, I reunited Adam with Baby Bear. I remember when he went into the hospital for tubes to be put into his ears, the nurses and doctors said they had never seen such a loved bear. When brand new, he was about three times this size! He also had a rainbow on his belly with a button (Baby Bear, not Adam) and it played music. All the little kids were so fascinated by this little bear. I don't think he will make it through to Adams future kids - unless he is just to look at.

Adam & Neko

2006-05-04T15:19:00.000-07:00

Adam's Senior Picture - 2003

2006 Prom

2006-04-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

Last night, Nichalas and his friends attended their Senior Prom. All week I had been thinking about where to take pics since they were calling for rain. We have an old stone mansion here in town that has been turned into a museum. It is beautiful and has a wonderful front porch. There were flowers in bloom and even though it was raining, I think the pics came out. I used a "real" camera so will have to post results on a later date.

Nichalas and Lucas took girls who are just good friends and had a wonderful time. They arrived home this morning at 4:30 and Curt about had a cow when he found out at lunch. I noticed he wasn't worried enough to stay up waiting for them. I was happy they enjoyed such a late night. I knew they were at a home with parents there, good, clean fun - so I was sleeping soundly when he did get home.

I realized when we went to get his tux, and he was very ho hum about trying it on, there is a whole other side to this prom thing I am missing out on by not having a girl. He and Amber did get creative (and thrifty) by making their own flowers. Turned out very pretty, smelled wonderful and they were free! I am thankful that Nichalas has such good persons in his life to share his Senior moments with. I was thankful that Adam was also with us and then went out to eat with Curt and me later. I am amazed that I am not sad about High School coming to an end.

I am looking forward to the years ahead and what they will bring in their becoming men on their own. The paths that God will lead them down. Adam has decided to go back to school to get a degree for working with mentally challenged adults. He never would have found this out if he hadn't of quit school for a year and worked in this field. He also wants to work in organizing Homeless Shelters. Nichalas is leaning towards teaching and working in the mission field during the summers. He also is wanting to work with the homeless. I am very proud that both my sons have a heart for missions. God's missions.

2006 Prom went very well, except for the White PT Cruiser that backed into the right front bumper of our Envoy that Nichalas was driving. Curt is upset that they didn't call the police, which they should have at the time, but they are kids and not professionals in the accident department. Thank the Lord! After calling the cell number Nichalas got from the kid this afternoon, and talking to the mom - we now hear that the kid didn't back into Nichalas - Nichalas ran into him. She wouldn't give us their name or insurance company. We are letting our insurance agent work this out. Nichalas has five witnesses which may help our case.

This makes me wonder what it will be like for this kids future, not having to be responsible or accountable for actions, even accidents. I am not upset about the vehicle - more about the message the parents are giving this kid. What that means for our future world. I also am upset about one of the dresses the girls wore last night. Cut down to the waist in front, a few straps of material here and there and when she turned to the side her breast were ---- there. Her mom said something once about fixing her "tape" and she rolled her eyes. The men there, including my husband "looked". That is how God made them. What bothers me is her parents are there with us. How could that not bother them (particularly the dad) knowing that her boobs are "there" and all can see. Again, it bothers me the message they're sending to their daughter, for our future world.

I know, I may sound like an old prude, or jealous over this great figure in the low cut dress, I am not. Perhaps I am a little close to the old part, but the more I get into God's Word, the more it bothers me the message our kids are getting. Does it anyone else? How I would love to have my sons and their future children be in a world where the people are God's people, His ways are their ways - where He is first in life. So I pray. And I hope. For He blesses me with so many glimpse of persons that are living His way in a world that is not.

Persons who hold a part of my heart. You know who you are and I say, "Thank you" for putting Him first.

From http://rickibell.blogspot.com/

2006-04-25T11:44:00.001-07:00

21 questions

Can you name 21 people you can think of right off the top of your head? Don't read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 21 people.

1 God
2 Curt
3 Adam
4 Nichalas
5 Bonnie
6 Loren
7 Doran
8 Tyler
9 Shelby
10 Stacy
11 Teresa
12 Steve
13 Kate
14 Kris
15 Kathy
16 Valerie
17 David
18 Isaac
19 Ben
20 Jacob
21 Lucas

Now answer the questions according to the names listed above:

How did you meet 10 (Stacy)? - Was married to my brother.

What would you do if you had never met 6 (Loren)? - I would have grown up not knowing my father.

What would you do if 20 and 15 (Kathy & Jacob) dated ?- Big age difference. Plus they worked together for me and that would have been a whole other issue. Besides, I doubt if her husband would have been very happy either.

Have you ever seen 4 (Nichalas) cry - Many, many times and very loudly - usually with a lot of screaming involved.

Would number 1 and 2 (God & Curt) make a good couple? - Yes, but not as the world sees a couple.

Describe 8 (Tyler): - My nephew whom I love and adore. He is growing up too fast, too soon. Seems to be adjusting pretty well to all that is going on in his life. My heart hurts very much for what he has been/is going through. I do love that he loves the Lord. His prayer over supper Sunday was awesome for a 10 year old.

Do you think 21 (Lucas) is attractive: - Yes, but not in that way. He's one of my "sons"

Tell me something about number 17 (David): - Another one of my "sons". I have been blessed by him in my life also, and am so proud that he is living out his dreams. I also pray that he, Isaac and Adam will continue their annual trips throughout the coming years - although I think it may be best if they gave up making movies while having a snowball fight in the rocky National Park. Or any future snow fights as it happened this year. Never know when a park ranger is around the corner.

What's 7's (Doran) favorite color? - Green

Who is 2 (Curt) going out with? - Me the lucky fellow!

What grade is 16 (Valerie) in? - She just graduated from Cake Decorating. I believe that means she has her Doctrine. So we now have to call her Dr.

What is 5's (Bonnie) favorite music? - Pop and country

Would you ever date 7 (Doran)? - That's creepy, he's my brother, so I can not even imagine that one.

Would you ever date 1 (God)? - No, but I do count Him as the very best in my life.

Is 11 (Teresa) single? - #12 is her lucky fellow.

Would you ever want to be in a serious relationship with 3 (Adam)? - I have been for 21+ years he has been one of three special men in my life. I am blessed to count him as one of my closest friends.

Where does 18 (Isaac) live? - Indiana, Rolla, or Taylor. This guy is a mover and a shaker.

What do you think about 20 (Jacob)? - He is another one of my favorites. It has been such a blessing enjoying him in my life as he has grown into an awesome young man. I look forward to seeing how the Lord will utilize him in the future. This is one guy with such a pure and beautiful heart.

What is the best thing about 4 (Nichalas)? - He is the third of "my men". The best thing is that he loves and follows the Lord.

What would you like to tell 14 (Kris) right now? - God and so many persons love you, so much.

How did you meet 9 (Shelby)? - I went to the hospital the day she came into this world and got to hold her in my arms. My precious little niece looked up at me and smiled. For eight years now, she has had a piece of my heart.

What is the best and worst thing about 2 (Curt)? - How he came/is coming to know and love the Lord - how very much he loves me. That he chews tobacco.

Are you going to know 15 (Kathy) forever? - Well, we've been mowing together for seven years now - how could I forget someone after all the sweat and tears, and laughter.

Who is 10 (Stacy) going out with? - I haven't a clue.

Mower maintenance

2006-04-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

How frustrating - my mower is up on the fork lift, ready to have the blades removed so I can sharpened them - can not get them off as the bolts are too tight. UGHHHHH - yes, there are moments when I wish I had man arms.

How frustrated I am (again) at my HS Counselor who would not let me take auto mechanics my Sr. year. "Girls don't take or need classes like that, Deby" (I ended up taking Wood Shop and Welding - and man oh man have I ever used those skills in my life - Thank you very much Mr. Armstrong. Okay, welding I have used off and on.) My throttle isn't working on my mulcher Z and I can not figure out how to get it fixed. I have tore it semi-apart and checked the wires - which are connected and working. I have bumped a lever and the engine roars away - only to die down when I take away the screwdriver. Since I am unable to run behind it and hold the lever with a screwdriver while attempting to mow at the same time, it is off the trailer in the barn waiting for my man, who comes home this weekend.

He'll be overjoyed just being able to work on my equipment - again.

On a very serious note. I am so thankful the Lord has blessed me with such a wonderful and talented husband (who got to take auto mechanics in HS).

Spring so far.........

2006-04-24T13:21:00.000-07:00

Wow, it is almost the end of April. Tax day has come and gone - didn't get the big stuff back - unc sam gets to have more of the green stuff from us. I wouldn't mind paying in the taxes, if I could see that where it went was how it was meant to be - not for the lining of gold in the top of the pole persons.

I have went completely out of my comfort zone this past week. With Curt selling his business and going to work for his cousins - JH Concrete - I decided to continue spraying three of my commercial clients for weed control. I took the test and passed two years ago to be legal (my score was higher than my husband!) and so far had only been spraying beds and along fence lines using my hand sprayer or backpack. I am now into bigger and more expensive chemicals. If you need to know how much, for type of control Chateau, Sahara, Helosate and a Surfactant needs to be mixed into a 200 gal tank - I know! But the very best part of all this is, after working 12-14 hours a day, pulling hose, and walking back and forth over 13 acres - I ended up losing 12 pounds. Since beginning my spring season I have lost 20 pounds. Yes, I am kicking myself when I realize that if I had not gained over the winter, I would now be 10 pounds from my goal. Now, only 35 pounds to go.

Okay, perhaps it's a little sad that I am more excited about the weight loss than going out of my comfort zone and accomplishing this task. I also stuck with Weight Watchers Core plan throughout until this weekend. Pizza, fried steak, mashed tates and gravy. At least I didn't eat as big of helping as usual.

Just to help you take your mind off your own problems. Can you imagine sitting down with a cup of jo and enjoying the Sunday paper - when suddenly..............

House Blasted by 3,000 Gallons of Sewage

By Associated Press

CHARLOTTE, N.C. - Utility workers trying to blast out a grease clog from a sewer line forced 3,000 gallons of raw sewage into a couple's home, forcing them to abandon their house while hoping that the city makes good on a promise to clean up and repair the damage.
Mac and Meg McCormick say city leaders have also promised to pay for their stay in a hotel until the repairs are complete. The couple doesn't have any of the agreement in writing, and city officials have declined to discuss the case because it's ongoing.
"We feel we have no choice but to put our trust and faith in the hands of the city," Meg McCormick said this week as movers hauled damaged furniture from her house. "And I'll be honest, that's a little scary."
Scott Denham, the risk manager for Charlotte and Mecklenburg County, declined to discuss the details of the sewage backup, but did say, "There's no question of the severity of this event."
City officials don't even know how much the repairs and cleanup will cost, Denham said. Meg McCormick said she has received estimates of $75,000 to $150,000. The house has a tax value of $101,300.

And you thought you were having a bad day.

God Bless....................

You know....

2006-02-27T07:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, although the wind was very cold, the sunshine was so "spring like". How encouraging to see the spring bulbs beginning to peek out beneath their cover of leaves, the grass beginning to have a tint of green.

Spring is in the air. The robins are too numerous to count in our yard, the ducks and geese I have spotted making their way back and my soul is in the stage of awakening. I absolutely LOVE the ending of winter.

I Love the underlying current of an energy that has been rather sluggish these past few months. I Love watching the rustling of nature as it is beginning to toss and turn its' way out of a winter bed. I Love feeling the ever growing warmth of sunshine streaming in through the window, as it gets closer to my section of the world.

I Love watching our sons grow into a "next" stage. I Love being in the next room listening to them laugh and talk. Making memories for a lifetime. Creating moments to talk about in future "remember when" times. I Love being a wife and having my husband come home from a week long trip. I Love being the other half of someone. Someone to share, laugh, yes occasionally fight, love with. I Love being the other half of him and sharing our two sons. I Love the memories that we have, the family we have. I Love that God kept us together.

I Love reflecting on my life and seeing my many, many blessings. I Love thinking about persons who love me and how their eyes light up when they see me. I Love being loved. I Love the relationship I share with many of those that is based IN God. I Love their prayers, their encouragement, their accountability. I just plain Love them.

I Love being In His word every day. I Love learning, listening, applying, growing In Him. I Love learning that giving is so much better than receiving. I Love getting rid of all those heavy blankets of sin. I Love getting to stretch out under the cool, crisp, clean, clothesline smelling, sheet He has covered me with in a new beginning - every day. I Love how much He Loves me. I Love as I grow in Him, I am growing more and more in His love. I Love being able to love me as He does. I Love that being able to love me takes away so many "blankets" that I have covered my heart up with - the "false sense of security blankets".

I LOVE that In Him, every moment can be spring awakening.

It is gone.

2006-02-17T08:52:00.000-08:00

The boys just pulled out awhile ago, truck loaded to the max with all that stuff. Watch out Sally-here they come. What is rather strange is the feeling I have inside. A little scared, a little empty, a little unsure.

What if I need some of that stuff? What if I got rid of something important? Did I check all the pockets in the clothes? I had to get after the boys for looking through boxes and pulling stuff out. They're probably pulled over the side of the road somewhere, looking. Just kidding. I did laugh about calling them on the phone saying, "No, No, come back. Come back." Thank God I didn't.

Oh what pain that stuff can become.

You know, while it was sitting in the dining room, ready for it's new adventure, I felt so wonderful about all this "getting rid". It was close by in case I needed to check through it. I made myself resist the urges to do so though. Kept reminding myself that I don't NEED it.

How like my spiritual life that stuff can be. I want to keep the "Sally Stuff", the "Burn Stuff", the "Junk Pile Stuff" close at hand - in case I NEED it you know. That needless to say is what causes such inner turmoil. I can either be filled up with Him or my stuff. Can not be both.

I am so thankful that my home is totally organized and almost completely cleaned. I am so thankful that there are five rooms awaiting a fresh coat of paint. I am so thankful for new beginnings. I am so very thankful that I don't want to go back to that "stuff". I am so thankful that my "heart" is getting worked over too.

I am so thankful I am choosing Him.

And for another thought.........

Why is it no one ever pops in to say hello when everything is in order - only when it's a mess.

Joe Versus the Volcano

2006-02-14T07:04:00.000-08:00

Did you see it? For the past two nights - the moon?

Last night it came out big, orange and moved so gracefully over the sky. Alone, the house completely dark, I was drawn to my window - just to sit there and gaze in amazement.

What a Father.

To put something up there, so far away, so controlled, so dang gone bright.

And then it began.......

Praises.

What a Father.

thankfulness.

What a Father.

Scriptures.

What a Father.

And then - Prayers

What a Father.

My heart just opened up, under the spell (no not of the moon) of Him. I sat there unable to pry my eyes off that ole moon. I can see how some could worship that giant piece of rock. I can't understand it. How can you look and not see. Someone so much bigger and brighter and in total control. The one who made that moon.

What a Father.

And I thought about in the movie "Joe Versus the Volcano", when he is on a raft in the ocean and the moon comes up and it almost covers the whole sky, being so big. I thought about how much I would like to witness something like that. I thought about that is how I feel about my Father. I desire to have Him become bigger in my "sky" of life, to completely cover it all. To be so big I can not see anything else but Him.

And I realized, He can. Only if I allow Him to.

What a Daddy.

Spring Cleaning

2006-02-10T08:46:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my adult life, I have almost completed the task of organizing my whole home. The basement is calling my name and that is all that remains. I have told my friends that I am preparing my life as though I were to die tomorrow. When I am gone, I don't want Curt and the boys to be focused on all this stuff - I want them to focus on each other.

Awhile ago, I was standing in the dining room, which is loaded down with Salvation Army donations, and it occurred to me - I am preparing my home not to die - but that I may LIVE. I am unable to express the right words in how freeing this task has made me feel. To look in delight at bare shelves, empty spaces in drawers and cupboards and not feel the need to fill them up with more stuff. How very uplifting.

I am also facilitating a Bible study, "Living Beyond Yourself Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit" by Beth Moore. Yesterday, while on my way to join "The Joy of the Lord Is Our Strength", I found myself thinking about my brother-in-law. He is building a new home a field away from us, which I pass by quite often. He has become quite wealthy over the years through his business, divorced from the mother of their two children. Since the divorce they have went through the routine of making/splitting up so often that we have all lost count. Right now they are together. He is also agnostic. Money is his god. I find it so easy to pray for him. As I am driving, I dream out loud to God how wonderful it would be for him and the kids to come to Christ. And then I think about her.

She has caused some major splits amongst the family by her words and actions. Because of her, there are some family members who have not spoken to each other for a few years now. Bottom line - she is a pretty evil person who delights in making trouble. She really has never liked me or pretended to hide that fact. A few years ago when Curt and I separated, that same day she told him to go out with her and my brother-in-law, that she would set him up with one of her friends (he declined). From that point on, I never pretended to hide the fact that I didn't like her. The family says she's jealous of me. I rather like to overlook that this really could be the reason and just satisfy myself with gossiping about her, not liking her, anything other than feeling sorry for her. Or I should say - being Christlike towards her.

In study today, I confessed that I hate her as much as she hates me. Pretty much putting myself on her level I'd say. HATE - you know that is a very strong word. I think about what I really do HATE. I HATE satan. I HATE sin. I HATE what sin does to the innocent young children. And I realized I said I HATE her. Thankfully, I recognized that I really don't HATE her. God has a way of putting things in perspective. I am also thankful that He has convicted me and I have had a heavy heart about what I said.

Throughout my "Spring Cleaning", I am recognizing that not only am I getting rid of material stuff, but the emotional security I felt from that stuff. How sad is that to put security into a shirt that I haven't worn forever. Something Nichalas tells me off and on (thankfully not often) is, "Mom, you need to ripen up, you're bitter". How accurate he is in that I need to "mature" in my fruits. That the fruits are there within me as a gift from the Holy Spirit, but they are gifts of action. I have known that love is an action, but never until yesterday did it click that so is joy. As are all the others. It is my choice to actively cause them to grow.

Back to her. I have been playing god. I have been taking all she has done over the years personally. What if God said to me, "You know Deby, all those years you walked away from me, too bad, I HATE you." Instead He tells me that He forgives me. He tells me that because I am IN Christ, I am made perfect and sinless. (Not an excuse to live a life of sin, but to live a life for Him.) He can not be a part of sin. And because of Christ He can be a part of me. He tells me that He LOVES me.

Before, knowing that because she is outside of Christ, if she were to die today she would not be saved from, "being cast into the lake of fire, the second death (total separation from God), and judgment according to her works." (Rev 20:11-15). Even in knowing this, I just didn't care. My heart was so hard, so focused on Hating her. I didn't even want to pray for her. Not even convicted to do so. Pretty hard heart. And even then I wasn't scared.

Thank the Lord for "Spring Cleaning". For taking my hard heart and casting out the stuff. After turning it over to him, I have been able to pray, really pray for her. I am not boasting about me. I am boasting about the Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control. The Fruits of the Spirit. (Gal 5:22-23).

I am boasting about HIM.

In the past few months.....

2006-02-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

I have so enjoyed reading blogs in my favorites. How wonderful that Val is back and writing - so many times I have laughed until I cried. And learning that Mindi is going to become a prof. Photographer. About time is all I can say after viewing her photos. And then there is the writings of Gil. I love to see how he is growing in the Lord. Taking time to pray for his family to get well and enjoy the rest of the winter months. My friends Erin and Cal. Erin. Praying for Ginny as she grows through this time as a g'ma. Thinking that in some ways I am thankful I am not the mother of the bride after reading some of Ret's list. And checking in again on Tina - to see that she is as bad as I am about blogging.

And for a little more truth. I couldn't figure out how to get back on my site to post. It has taken me almost one hour and finally here I am - with nothing to say. You would think after all this time something would be there, ready to be written when I finally figured it all out.

Such is life.

Something to chew on..........

2005-10-13T06:32:00.000-07:00

"I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well."

– Diane Ackerman

I stole this.........

2005-10-06T06:33:00.000-07:00

October 5th, 2005

LEGION

Beth and I are sitting outside waiting for our shift to start. Claude, our local homeless guy, shuffles past us.

"Hi Claude," Beth says cheerily.

Claude makes no indication that he hears her.

"How ya doing Claude?" I ask. He usually responds to me.

Claude ignores me and strikes up a conversation with a lamppost. Mumbling something about the government taking away his house he kicks the lamppost and walks away.

"I've never seen him do that before," Beth whispers.

"Must be off his meds," I reply.

"He hears voices, right?" Beth asks.

"Yep."

"How sad."

Watching Claude as he disappears around the corner I remember a line from the Gospel of Mark.

"My name is Legion, for we are many," I sigh.

Beth looks at me quizzically.

"It's a line from the Bible," I explain, "Seemed appropriate for Claude."

"I'm not familiar with it," Beth says.

"Jesus was going to this town to preach," I begin to explain, "Along the way he encounters a guy kinda like Claude. The guy's a real mess; possessed by demons, living in a cemetery, screaming and yelling all day, cutting himself up with sharp stones."

"Sounds like a nut," Beth says, "What happens?"

Jesus asks the man his name. The man replies, "My name is Legion, for we are many."

"Sounds like he was hearing voices," Beth says, "Just like Claude."

"Maybe," I reply, "In any case, Jesus takes pity on the man and casts the demons into a herd of swine. The pigs, about two thousand of them, run off the edge of a cliff and drown themselves in a lake."

"Wow," Beth says, "What happened to the crazy guy?"

"He was completely healed."

"I wish that would happen with Claude."

"That'd be nice - but that's not the meaning of the story," I say.

"What is?" Beth asks.

"When the people in the town hear about the pigs going into the drink they're terrified. They go tell Jesus to take a hike. They don't want him anywhere near their city."

"Why?" Beth asks.

I sigh and look at my watch, "Are you up for a mini theology lesson?"

Beth smiles. "I've got nothing better to do," she says.

"What were Jews doing raising pigs?" I ask.

"Huh?" Beth says.

"Pigs are unclean animals. Jews are not supposed to eat them. Why is there a herd of pigs outside of a Jewish town?"

"I don't know."

"Well, there were non kosher people living in Israel at that time too; Roman soldiers, Greeks, Phoenicians. Someone in that town was selling those pigs to make money."

"I don't follow," Beth says.

"Bottom line," I say, "That herd of pigs was somebody's business."

"Ok."

"And Jesus destroyed that business without a second thought. Destroyed it for someone he didn't even know."

"Wow."

"What do you think would happen if a Holy Man came along and cured Claude of his demons - but destroyed the Bistro in the process?"

"I'd be out of a job."

"Would you like that?"

"No."

"Does that jibe with how you think of God?" I ask, "Him throwing you out of work?"

"Not at all."

"But that's precisely what happened with the pigs. You better believe the guy tending those pigs lost his job. Maybe he caught a beating too."

"That's not a very nice thing for God to do," Beth says.

"Beth," I reply, "God isn't always nice."

"Guess not."

"The world places no value in people like Claude and the possessed man," I say, "What do you think they're worth?"

"I don't know."

"To us they're nothing. But to God they're everything."

Beth is silent.

"I think God's sense of economy is very different from our own - so different it's scary. To him the plight of one vagrant is more important than all the money in the world. And He'll plunder our treasure to save him."

"That would piss people off," Beth says.

"You bet it would," I reply, "But maybe we get pissed because we realize we've been investing in the wrong kind of treasure. If we all acted like human beings, if our treasure was compassion, people like Claude might have it a little easier."

"True."

"The townspeople, instead of being happy that their brother was saved, send Jesus away. They're only interested in maintaining the status quo and their own comfort. They're unwilling to open their hearts. So, in the end, the townspeople were possessed by demons far worse than anything inside Legion. That's the true meaning of the story."

Beth looks at me.

You should've been a priest," she says.

"Me?" I say with a laugh, "I like sex too much."

"You think about this kind of stuff a lot though."

"It's a curse sometimes," I say, "Trust me."

"Well, thanks for telling me that story."

We go back inside and get to work. A vague unsettled feeling falls over me. At first I think I feel weird after waxing all philosophical outside. Truth be told? Sometimes I just like to hear myself talk.

No. That isn't it. The funk stays with me all night.

When I get home I turn on the computer and start to write. I can't think of anything so I write about my conversation with Beth. Writing this blog can be tedious at times. I can't seem to wrestle my words into coherent form. Then again I can't seem to write anything lately. I've been a bit depressed. It's been almost a year since my ex and I broke up.

I grab a beer and go out on the porch. I listen to the wind stir the leaves in the trees.

Then I hear the demons.

They whisper about promises not kept and promise unfulfilled. They mock my choices, dangling before me lives and possibilities that could have been. The demons chatter incessantly, their voices growing. They are many. They are Legion.

The lights of passing cars cast a flickering pattern of light and shadow across the floor.

One of the shadows lingers.

"You're a failure," it whispers.

I look towards the corner. The shadow congeals, grows darker, and rises from the floor.

Standing erect the yawning blackness moves to within an inch of my face.

This is my demon.

"And you will be alone until the day you die," it hisses malevolently.

Suddenly I understand why I've felt unsettled since talking to Beth.

My name is Legion.

When I was talking to Beth I was preaching to myself. I'm the crazed man living amongst the tombs. I'm the one who needs to be saved.

I've been alone for a while now and I've just begun to realize how loneliness can maim the spirit. Over the past couple of months I've noticed its corrosive effects.

The demon waits. Patiently

I want someone to pluck me off the side of the road and love me with total abandon. I'm not talking about God here, not something ephemeral, but a woman, a flesh and blood woman. A woman who'll cast out my self doubt and drive it into the lake to be drowned. A woman who thinks I'm worth everything.

Maybe I'm being selfish or overly romantic. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I have to change things before that happens.

But human love, with all its heat and tumult, with all its disappointments and triumph, is still the closet thing we have to heaven on earth.

Suddenly a woman whose face I cannot see is at my side. She gently caresses my cheek. I can hear her laugh. I can smell her smell. For the first time in a long time I feel a stirring of hope.

Besides, I'm due for a little kick ass redemption.

A faint smile appears on my face.

"Why don't you take a flying leap and go fuck yourself," I tell the demon.

The demon retreats into his corner and disappears.

Well, it wasn't exactly the Rite of Exorcism, but it worked.

I put down my beer. As I get ready for bed, the crystalline laughter of a young woman floats in through the window. I pull back the curtains. A girl and boy stroll down the street arm in arm.

I go to bed.

I guess my name isn't Legion after all.

____________________________________________________________________

This came from a blog site I enjoy - although I don't agree with all he writes. This time, I wanted some input from some of you.

It was at the point where he is saying he is lost, and wants someone to "pluck him off the side of the road", that my heart was torn. It isn't God that he is looking for, but a woman. I do agree that a marriage between man and wife, when built on a foundation of God is pretty close to heaven, but so is being a mom and the love you have for your child. It is only through God that we can claim our name is not Legion, to fight off the Legion, not in our human relationships. It is only through Him that we are not wandering through the tombs of the graveyard.

It also hit me how so many don't know the Bible, which I so often take for granted. I hit me that I am not doing my job as well as I need to be.

I love his point of God's sense of economy and it got me wondering, exactly where do I have my treasure. I'll be honest, sometimes I look at the less fortunate and my first thought is they are so lazy.

It needs to be, "What Legions are they fighting?", doesn't it.

Mom's have bragging rights.

2005-09-22T18:24:00.000-07:00

I have to share this past weekend in regard to Nichalas.

I AM SO VERY PROUD OF HIM......

He and three friends participated in the Midwest Monster Race. They were the youngest participates ever in the history of the race. They haven't let anyone under 18 before, as it is so taxing mentally and physically. Our team was awesome in their sportsmanship, team work, endurance, determination, everything.

This race consisted of.........

A 40 mile bike ride over roads and rough terrain. During this ride one team member dove into the swimming pool (Brrr) to collect 2 gold coins, 3 IL quarters from a pile on the bottom. They also had to paddle two inner tubes across the Quincy Bay and back. Upon arriving back at South Park they had to each carry one 40lb sandbag around the entire walking path and then complete 8 different obstacle courses. Next they ran 5 miles to Quinsippi Island where they had to move a sandbag pile from point A across the field to point B, dig a 36in hole with a post hole digger and complete a navigation course collecting 5 different city names. Then onward for another 7 mile run back to South Park to complete the race.

They finished (7 teams dropped out) in a little over 11 hours. One of the top placing team members was 63! This has so motivated me into getting into shape. If everything works out, I may be on a team with Nichalas, and two of my cousins. Curt and Adam aren't as excited as I am about this so I am unable to get a commitment from them. Although they are probably thinking about getting me committed, and not into this race!

Another thing this has motivated me to do is the Great Rivers Bike Ride. They average 60 miles a day for a week. My cousin is interested, as is my mom! Mom and dad said they would follow us in their camper so we wouldn't have to tent it.

Now - if I can figure out how to leave my business for one week, I mean really leave it behind, and enjoy the time off. Or perhaps I will have to wait a few years.

Either way - it feels so wonderful to be motivated again.

I also am now only 2lbs away from my goal weight! Not that it is the weight I want to weigh, but after six weeks of maintaining that or under - no more $$$$$$ to the WWLPP!

Run, Tami, Run

2005-09-14T14:57:00.000-07:00

It was a marvelously bright, clear, cool morning, and hundreds of spectators had gathered on the hillsides to witness the Texas Regional Cross-Country Races at Mae Simmons Park. Most of the spectators were parents and family members who had traveled many miles, in some cases hundreds, to watch just one race. Their faces were intent, their eyes always fastened on the only runner they were interested in, and often when the runners were far away and could not hear their shouts of encouragement, still their lips would move, mouthing the precious, familiar names, and one other word. Sometimes they would say the name audibly but softly, as if for no ears but their own, and yet it seemed that they hoped to be heard.

"Run, Jimmy," they whispered urgently. "Run, Tracy, Run."

The cross-country race is two miles for girls, three for boys. It is a grueling run - physically and mentally exhausting - over hills and rough terrain. There were ten races that morning, beginning with class 5A boys and girls. Each race had from 80 to 120 competitors. The course ended where it began, but at times the runners were nearly a half mile away.

As the class 5A girls' race came to a close, I watched a forty plus year old mother - who was wearing patent leather shoes and a skirt and carrying a purse - run the last 100 yards beside her daughter.

She saw no other runners. As she ran awkwardly, her long, dark hair came undone and was streaming out behind her. Giving no thought to the spectacle she made, she cried,

"Run, Tami, Run! Run, Tami, Run!"

There were hundreds of people crowing in shouts and screaming, but this mother was determined to be heard. "Run, Tami, Run!" she pleaded. The girl had no chance to win, and the voice of her mother, whose heart was bursting with exertion and emotion, was not urging her to win.

She was urging her to finish.

The girl was in trouble. Her muscles were cramping; her breath came in ragged gasps; her stride was broken. She was in the last stages of weariness, just before collapse. But when she heard her mother's voice, a marvelous transformation took place. The girl straightened, she found her balance, her bearing, her rhythm - and she finished. She crossed the finish line, turned and collapsed into the arms of her mother.

They fell down together on the grass and then cried, and then they laughed. They were having the best time together, like there was no one else in the world but them. God, I thought, this is beautiful. Thank you for letting me see it.

As I drove away from Mae Simmons Park, I couldn't get that scene off my mind. A whole morning of outstanding performances had merged into a single happening. I thought of my own children and of a race they are running - a different and far more important race, a race that requires even greater stamina, courage, and character. I am a spectator in that race also. I have helped them train, I have pleaded, instructed, threatened, punished, prayed, praised, laughed, and cried. I have even tried to familiarize them with the course. But now the gun is up, and their race has begun, and I am a spectator. My heart is bursting - I see no other runners.

Sometimes their courses take them far from me, and yet I whisper,

"Run, children, Run."

They do not hear, but there is One who does. Occasionally they grow weary because the race is long and demands such sacrifice. They witness hypocrisy, and there are many voices that call to them to quit this race, telling them that they cannot possibly win. They lose sight of their goal, and they falter and stumble and I cry,

"Run, children, run. Please run."

And when they come to the last 100 yards - how I long to be there, to run beside them. What if I am gone, and there is no one to whisper, to shout, "Run" in their ears? What if they lose sight of the great truth that in this race, it is finishing that counts?

Dear God, please hear my prayer.

If they cannot hear my voice, if I must watch from beyond this arena, please run beside them as You have so often run beside me. Strengthen their knees that they might finish.

And when they cross that eternal finish line, may I be there to embrace them and welcome them home.

May we cry and laugh and spend eternity together.

Rocking Chair Tales - John Wallen Smith

Our own worst enemy.

2005-09-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

Why do you suppose that most persons paint themselves in such an ugly portrait, when those looking in see such beauty? Why do you suppose that most persons talk/think of themselves in a way they would never talk to/of someone else. Or why is it that we are always so quick to point out our downfalls, brush off compliments, think the worst of who, how we are?

Why is it that usually, WE are our worst enemy?

After all, it is in God's image that we are created. We are all made by Him, therefore, we ALL have His goodness within us. Yes, some of us discard it, cover it up fairly well, yet we all start out with it. Even those darling little monster children, who became monsters due to lazy parenting......that is a whole other issue.

I wish I knew how to convey what it means to read the comments on my blog. How uplifting and surprising that I am thought of the way I am. I wish that I wasn't surprised - that I already believed the goodness about me. Not to be big headed, but to be In Him, knowing me, seeing me, and particularly LOVING me - as He does. As apparently quite a few others do also.

I wish that others who struggle with this enemy would have the same thing. To be in that place in Him. To not fall to the lies that we create about ourselves. Even those who have had a pretty good upbringing fall prey to the lies. Is it society that teaches us that it is conceited to think and recognize the best things about ourselves? Why is it that we are so able to love others, some pretty unlovely, and yet not ourselves?

I wish that everyone would drop the barriers. That the things they usually reserve for the time after the person is dead, will be said while they are living. I wish that everyone who is hearing these things will believe. Not because it makes them feel better, but because it makes Him shine brighter. You see, when we discard the lies, the junk, the darkness, He is even brighter. And the brighter He becomes in "Me", the less "Me' begins to matter. The day that I fall in love with "Me" as He loves "Me", I have finally found that secure place in Him. For you see, He is what really matters. Not "Me". (It's really not all about ME!)

I am amazed as I go through each day the many, many blessings that come my way. The simple things, the big item things. Just so many. My relationship with Him, His word, my family, friends. The amazing thing called oxygen and that my lungs, my body processes it. That God made us to walk upright, how our necks hold our heads up all day. The persons He puts into your life when He knows you need them, when you don't even have a clue. How man has been gifted to create so many things and utilize them. Cars, mowers, computers, toasters, dish soap, shampoo, medicines, so much.

I wish that all who correspond with me through this site will know how very much they have come to mean to me. How it is only through Him that such a bond exist. How I so enjoy reading about your lives, your thoughts, about you.

My prayer is that each of you will truly and without a doubt believe and know -

O Lord you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thought from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the day, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of the came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you!
I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalms 139.

As I walk through the valley...........

2005-09-08T17:25:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it is because I am no longer on anti-depressants, that I am on a very serious life eating change (diet), that time is going so quickly - I don't know but these past few months have had such dark days.

So many times I wanted to blog, there just wasn't anything there. No energy, no thought pattern, just nothing. And I am not even blond! Graying, but not blonde. Work was very, very slow due to the drought. My life came to a sit still for much of August as I recovered from a Stress Fracture in my left foot. I could only use my Z mower, only be on my foot 10 minutes an hour, not a lot of exercise going on - thus my WWLPP results were very, very, very, slow. Did I mention very? By the time I arrived to a destination, 10 minutes were up!

I also drifted away from our Father and sat down. As I wrote to a friend, I sat down by the septic tank of life. Bible reading stopped, prayer life - I felt like I was talking to nothing. Do you ever feel so empty inside? I haven't been sad, hurt, angry, bitter, or anything - just nothing. Kinda hard to write about something so exciting.

And now, I am coming out of this valley. Bible reading has resumed - what instantaneous rewards come from this. I realize (again) why I felt as though I was talking to nothing, was it was all one sided. My side. And I really don't have anything to offer when it comes to taking over His side of the conversation.

The stress from being on the WWLPP. I am sure this is the stress that broke my foot. Not from exercise mind you. Actually, the WWLPP has been a blessing. I have now lost 28 pounds since May. Only 43 left to go...........That is so much more encouraging than saying 50 something! I (and my family) have enjoyed the meals prepared from the WW cookbooks. There are some fantastic chocolate items for very few points to satisfy that craving all women get. Particularly in the morning. For me it is usually around 2 - 3 am. That and my fat free milk! Two weeks ago, I went in for my weigh in - just knowing for sure that I had met my 10% goal. So excited, I walked in and happily got on the scales. My friend, Bobette, wrote down my new weight, so excited for me. I was completely crushed. The good news, I had lost 4 pounds that week. The bad news - I had missed the 10% by 4 OUNCES!!!! Nichalas asked why I didn't take off my clothes. It has taken me another two weeks to get my mind going again. After that letdown, I just didn't care. Down went a whole sleeve of Chip Ahoy Chocolate Cookies, Oreos, anything. Then I kicked back in and on weigh in yesterday - I made it! It only took me two weeks to lose 1 1/2 pounds. Now another 6 and I begin maintenance - 6 weeks on that and I won't have to shell out the $$$ unless I go over my goal. So pray for me and my big butt, big gut, and big mouth - that it will abide by the WWLPP recommendations.

The reason WWLPP has been such a blessing is that my weight had me in a place where I was embarrassed to be seen. It was preventing me from living a life, not just for God, but for my family, friends, myself. Through my relationship with God and WWLPP, I am getting my head and body back together and finally living again.

While attending a wedding last weekend with Curt, I kept trying not to cry. The couple - Whitney and Tommy - are so perfect for each other. They are so in love with God and so in love with each other. I tried not to cry as I wished that Curt and I could have started with that. I tried not to cry as I prayed that our sons would know that. I tried not to cry as I watched them look at each other, totally and completely in Him and in love. Wow. Do you realize how many marriages would work if they started out like that - In and on Him. He was the main guest at this event, as well as the main member of their family. I am so honored that Whitney has asked me to become part of her life. I am so excited thinking about what things I will learn from her. I am excited knowing that I am now the "older woman" scripture talks of teaching the "younger woman" and it doesn't bother me a bit. I am excited to be walking with Him again.

Who knows, perhaps she can set Adam up with someone!

Another thing that has set my priorities, again, one of my "daughters" mother will be going tomorrow morning so they may remove one of her breast. We are praying that everything will be successful. This lady is such a jewel to so many. Her faith and her walk have always been such an inspiration to me. Many times she has helped me in my walk, and in her humbleness - she wasn't even aware how much she was teaching me.

Life - it really is full. It really does fly by. It really does give blessings when you live it through Him. How much I have to be thankful for.

As I come out of this valley - I count so many things He has blessed me with. I smile, laugh, and enjoy. I also am thankful for those I have come to know through Blogsville. What a neat town to walk in.

The "don't buy gas day" has been decided - SEPTEMBER 10, 2005.

2005-09-08T13:16:00.000-07:00

IT HAS BEEN CALCULATED THAT IF EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES DID NOT

PURCHASE A DROP OF GASOLINE FOR ONE DAY AND ALL AT THE SAME TIME, THE

OIL COMPANIES WOULD CHOKE ON THEIR STOCKPILES.

AT THE SAME TIME IT WOULD HIT THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY WITH A NET LOSS OFOVER 4.6 BILLION

DOLLARS WHICH AFFECTS THE BOTTOM LINES OF THE OIL COMPANIES.

THEREFORE Sept 10TH HAS BEEN FORMALLY DECLARED "STICK IT TO THEM DAY"AND THE PEOPLE

OF THIS NATION SHOULD NOT BUY A SINGLE DROP OF GASOLINE THAT DAY.

THE ONLY WAY THIS CAN BE DONE IS IF YOU FORWARD THIS TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN

AND AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN TO GET THE WORD OUT.

WAITING ON THIS ADMINISTRATION TO STEP IN AND CONTROL THE PRICES IS NOT GOING TO

HAPPEN. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REDUCTION AND CONTROL IN PRICES THAT THE ARAB NATIONS

PROMISED TWO WEEKS AGO?

REMEMBER ONE THING, NOT ONLY IS THE PRICE OF GASOLINE GOING UP BUT AT THE SAME TIME

AIRLINES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES, TRUCKING COMPANIES ARE FORCED TO RAISE

THEIR PRICES WHICH EFFECTS PRICES ON EVERYTHING THAT IS SHIPPED. THINGS LIKE FOOD,

CLOTHING, BUILDING MATERIALS, MEDICAL SUPPLIES ETC.

WHO PAYS IN THE END?

WE DO!

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

IF THEY DON'T GET THE MESSAGE AFTER ONE DAY,

WE WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.

SO DO YOUR PART AND SPREAD THE WORD.

Kelley John Walker

2005-07-29T22:37:00.000-07:00

It was about four years ago I first got to know this young man. It was through wrestling. A good looking kid, red hair, beautiful eyes and a grin that made you forget why you were exasperated at him. A kid with so much potential. A kid with a heart that was lost and lead him down the wrong paths at times. This was a kid who helped my Nichalas with his wrestling techniques. This was a kid who answered my many questions about the sport. This was a kid who made it into the championship, but didn't perform topnotch because of some lifestyle choices that robbed him of his physical performance. This was a kid that my heart went out to, he was one of the "underdogs" that I could see had so much going for him, if he would only grab hold of that brass ring and not let go. A kid that had so many in his corner. A kid that I grew to love. A kid that my heart would cry when he won, achieved so much, or was injured or lost a match, when he was frustrated or angry. This was also a kid that became a friend.

Kelley graduated this past May. He was looking forward to tomorrows.

"Kelley John Walker and his passenger, Evan Scott Laws, were pronounced dead at the scene about 10:30 a.m. Thursday."

I cry as I think about Kelley. I cry as I remember him raising his arms above his head and stretching them as he tried to get more air into his lungs during a match. I cry as I think about his last moments on Wednesday night, "the 1985 Buick was southbound when it went off the right side of the road, struck a guardrail, became airborne and struck a tree. The car came to rest on its top in Durgen's Creek. Where the car landed is not readily visible from the road." I cry as I think about some of his choices and pray that he came to know our Lord.

I cry as I think about his dad, John, "had been driving along US 61 hunting for the vehicle when he spotted it in the creek bed Thursday morning."

I cry as I remember how he was with his little brother who so looked up to him, how he was with my Nichalas.

I cry as I realize again how quickly life can be gone. How close to home this death is.

and I cry as I remember his grin.

Fabulous Fun Fridays

2005-07-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

FYI - somehow, someone, has taken over my blog.

The first indication that I was no longer in control - the ablility to leave comments was no more. Since I was unable to fix the problem, I deleted the entire blog.

After receiving two e-mails (THANK YOU) and checking it out - I have found that Fabulous Fun Fridays should be called the Phoenix. It not only has resurrected itself, but obviously had a prob with it's original name.

So............FYI - I am clueless as to what is going on.

You know, I am thankful that I have a life and something like this, well......................it really doesn't amount to a hill of beans.

Have you ever.............

2005-07-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

read something, or heard something, that made your heart tear. that made you feel a physical tear inside, because of the sadness that it brought.

i haven't been able to blog as of late. hormones, too busy, too --- just blank. but, i still like to read.

sometimes.

sometimes what i read makes me sad - that there is so much anger, so much evil, so much yelck in this world. but then, God takes my hand and leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul.

He lead me to this site - http://memoirsbyval.blogspot.com/ - that I so enjoy being refreshed from. He lead me to a fellow sister, to someone who is so in love with Him that i am encouraged, in awe, thankful, taught, humbled. He lead me to a site that i have laughed until my eyes shed tears, that i have been made speechless, that i have read words that i still carry with me and ponder on many moons later. He lead me to a new friend.

even though we have yet to meet face to face, we have met heart to heart through Christ. even though our e-mails are few and far between, daily our thoughts and prayers lift each other up to Him. it has been through the Lord that i was able to feel connected to this precious sister. to be able to open up and vent, to just be me. and how she showered me with so much love. i am so blown away that she not only has opened up her home to me but even more so, her heart.

Valerie Suzanne, I will so miss the inspiration your words have given me. Please do not give up on that book.

Week of July 18th posted

2005-07-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

http://fabulousfunfridays.blogspot.com/

Week of July 11th posted

2005-07-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

http://fabulousfunfridays.blogspot.com/