It is so amazingly beautiful out this spring. The grass has turned greener sooner than usual and with all the colors up against it - I thank the Lord I am able to see.
For the past few days I have felt myself shutting down. Felt the signs of depression knocking on the door of my heart. Often wanting to sob, sometimes in the wrong places. I couldn't figure why. Going through all the things in my life lately - I finally hit home.
Nichalas will be graduating very, very soon. It isn't that I want to go back in time. Perhaps have a day or two here and there to relive. It isn't that I am not excited about he and Adam being young men now, ready to embark upon the next part of their journey.
It's about regrets. It's about not living each day to it's fullest. It's about not living my life for the Lord for so many years. It's about the times I was so caught up in me that I missed being caught up in them.
After I zeroed in on the why, I felt depression turn around and leave. In its place I felt my Father fill me up. For instance - Adam has a heart for God. He has been listening to where God wants to lead him and is about to make the steps for Him. Last night Nichalas was researching in his Bible about a topic he wants to be prepared to discuss with some friends. My marriage has turned around. My walk with Him is so much closer. Family. Friends. My work. How much He has blessed me.
Yes, He fills me up in seeing the fruits of His goodness. Of how He stepped in and took all my many stumbling blocks and made them into stepping stones.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Inner Realities
(My morning devotion)
Avoid anything that drains or excites you. Your prayer life will dry up if you don't. Don't expect to feed your inward life if you live only for what is outward. You really must learn to renounce all that makes you too outspoken in your conversation. How are you going to cultivate an inner silence if you are always talking? You cannot want God and the things of the world at the same time. Don't you realize that your prayer will be affected by what you cultivate in your daily life?
Fear your excessive enthusiasm, your taste for things of the world, and your hidden ambitions. Don't get so excited over politics and parties. If you get too worked up, it will be harder to calm yourself before God. Speak little and work steadily. Let actions take the place of your flowery words.
After you learn to deal with your wandering thoughts, you must learn to come to God to renew your strength. Learn to do this even amidst the mundane tasks of the day. Keep looking to the Lord for His gentle leading. But don't be so noisy that you can't hear Him!
You will lose your way the minute you decide to go your own way. When you seek God's will alone, you find it everywhere, and you can not go astray. Wanting what God wants always puts you on a straight path. The future is not yet yours; it may never be. Live in the present moment. Tomorrow's grace is not given to you today.
The present moment is the only place where you can touch the eternal realm.
Psalm 46:10 Cease striving and know that I am God.
Avoid anything that drains or excites you. Your prayer life will dry up if you don't. Don't expect to feed your inward life if you live only for what is outward. You really must learn to renounce all that makes you too outspoken in your conversation. How are you going to cultivate an inner silence if you are always talking? You cannot want God and the things of the world at the same time. Don't you realize that your prayer will be affected by what you cultivate in your daily life?
Fear your excessive enthusiasm, your taste for things of the world, and your hidden ambitions. Don't get so excited over politics and parties. If you get too worked up, it will be harder to calm yourself before God. Speak little and work steadily. Let actions take the place of your flowery words.
After you learn to deal with your wandering thoughts, you must learn to come to God to renew your strength. Learn to do this even amidst the mundane tasks of the day. Keep looking to the Lord for His gentle leading. But don't be so noisy that you can't hear Him!
You will lose your way the minute you decide to go your own way. When you seek God's will alone, you find it everywhere, and you can not go astray. Wanting what God wants always puts you on a straight path. The future is not yet yours; it may never be. Live in the present moment. Tomorrow's grace is not given to you today.
The present moment is the only place where you can touch the eternal realm.
Psalm 46:10 Cease striving and know that I am God.
May 06, 2006 - TORN
It seems with life passing by so quickly, I am torn so often - one foot wanting to hold on to today, yesterday - the other breathlessly awaiting tomorrows.
How busy everyone is in this life, too busy perhaps. What a blessing it is that I am able to be outside in His world enjoying His beautiful nature. Every evening that I drive up the lane, out to my east in the field are four deer. I wonder where they lay low at during hunting - how do they know not to come around that weekend. Already the spring flowers are fading into the summer ahead. School is about out - Nichalas graduation. Before you know it both will be back into college this fall.
Today I played "shuttle" for my parents as their van was worked on. Now that's a treat. I do love spending time with them - but man is it exhausting. Dad can not hear very well - so many times when another conversation is going on, he begins one himself. I smile as I imagine my wee brain trying to keep up with mom talking to me the same time dad is.
I have been thinking a lot about Kevin and Ret - they are now on their "sunset honeymoon". Doesn't that sound much better than "empty nesters". While they watched two lives become one this past Saturday, I was out spraying - and praying for them. Also my sons. That they too would begin as one with someone who is totally "in" love with our Father.
This past Sunday at the Dogwood Bowl, while watching the boys play football, I sat down by Amber. She was Nichalas' date for prom. I've really never gotten to talk with her one on one. What a beautiful young woman - inside and out. I could cry as I think about how "in" love her heart is with our Father. Her excitement as she talked about Him, her chastity ring, her walk.
I know that she and Nichalas are just friends, but as I was sitting there it occurred to me that one day I would be talking face to face with a young woman whom I have prayed for probably before she was born (God willing). How exciting that time will be. Particularly if God has answered that she will love me with a yes!
So, as time marches on I find I am torn. Walking the next steps of life, the adventures ahead and carrying the many memories to look at and share. Torn because my life is so wonderfully blessed that I don't want this time to end. Then I remember what my g'ma always said.
"No matter how wonderful this stage is in life, the next is even better."
How busy everyone is in this life, too busy perhaps. What a blessing it is that I am able to be outside in His world enjoying His beautiful nature. Every evening that I drive up the lane, out to my east in the field are four deer. I wonder where they lay low at during hunting - how do they know not to come around that weekend. Already the spring flowers are fading into the summer ahead. School is about out - Nichalas graduation. Before you know it both will be back into college this fall.
Today I played "shuttle" for my parents as their van was worked on. Now that's a treat. I do love spending time with them - but man is it exhausting. Dad can not hear very well - so many times when another conversation is going on, he begins one himself. I smile as I imagine my wee brain trying to keep up with mom talking to me the same time dad is.
I have been thinking a lot about Kevin and Ret - they are now on their "sunset honeymoon". Doesn't that sound much better than "empty nesters". While they watched two lives become one this past Saturday, I was out spraying - and praying for them. Also my sons. That they too would begin as one with someone who is totally "in" love with our Father.
This past Sunday at the Dogwood Bowl, while watching the boys play football, I sat down by Amber. She was Nichalas' date for prom. I've really never gotten to talk with her one on one. What a beautiful young woman - inside and out. I could cry as I think about how "in" love her heart is with our Father. Her excitement as she talked about Him, her chastity ring, her walk.
I know that she and Nichalas are just friends, but as I was sitting there it occurred to me that one day I would be talking face to face with a young woman whom I have prayed for probably before she was born (God willing). How exciting that time will be. Particularly if God has answered that she will love me with a yes!
So, as time marches on I find I am torn. Walking the next steps of life, the adventures ahead and carrying the many memories to look at and share. Torn because my life is so wonderfully blessed that I don't want this time to end. Then I remember what my g'ma always said.
"No matter how wonderful this stage is in life, the next is even better."
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Help!
Below are a few of the photos from Prom, attempt for Nichalas' Senior pic and misc. of Adam. I am noticing that my older photos don't publish too bad, the new ones though.........is there a secret to getting them to look nicer? less blotchie? I am thinking Mindy may be able to help me here. Thanks.
Adam & Baby Bear (who is 21 also)
While going through photos & etc. to get things together for Nichalas' graduation, I reunited Adam with Baby Bear. I remember when he went into the hospital for tubes to be put into his ears, the nurses and doctors said they had never seen such a loved bear. When brand new, he was about three times this size! He also had a rainbow on his belly with a button (Baby Bear, not Adam) and it played music. All the little kids were so fascinated by this little bear. I don't think he will make it through to Adams future kids - unless he is just to look at.
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