How I am seen?

It's interesting to me, how people seem to see me so differently than I see myself. The times when I don't feel like smiling, or even being nice, and hearing what joy I have shared with them. Maybe it's because I didn't speak???? Perhaps it is because the Easter season is coming up and I find myself thinking about what will I leave behind that will be carried on. I watch those around me age right before my eyes and realize how quickly time does travel. My Gram is fighting this nasty cough everyone has and I see how it is bringing her down physically. She's a fighter though. It has taken us two weeks to finally get her to the emergency room. It's a wonder we didn't have to physically carry her resisting body out. Actually, she was too weak. Isn't it sad how we fight off help from those who love us? Kinda like I do with God so often. How He let's me know His way is easier and best and guess what, I do it MY way! Whoever wrote that song, didn't have a clue about God and His way. Yet there I am, walking to the tune of it all too frequently.

I watched Grams hands yesterday as she sat in her chair. They are thin, but hardly frail. They are work worn yet tender and most of all, they are there to show me love and strength and guidance. How blessed I am to be a part of her life. I am blessed to be able to spend time with her and my mom. Listening to them as they remember, fuss at each other and to laugh with them. What medicine that is! How often do we enjoy deep belly laughter over fun things of life?

So anyway, I am thinking again, what will I leave those I touch in my life. Before and after I am gone. Will I be remembered as His servant, that He shines from my eyes? That God is my first love? How about my smile or frown?

When I think about people I know and have known, it comes to mind their facial expressions. Not how pretty they are, how their hair looks (okay, sometimes if it is really different), what they wear. It's about their eyes, the window to their soul. Is it filled with Him or with self? I imagine there are some who think I smile a lot, take life in stride and those who think the opposite. But more importantly, those who really know me, my family, what will they be left with. I frequently pray that it will be nothing.

Nothing about me because I pray that I will allow Christ to shine so brightly, I am blocked out. I pray that when I am seen, remembered, etc. It will be Christ they see, not me.