Am I being selfish? Yes, most times.
So often I will state about doing something, or an event happening, and not add, "God willing".
I have been struggling with this way of praying - I am recognizing how selfish I am. I am wanting them to remain here with me. It is such a blessing knowing that Curt and our kids are His - so I do know - without a doubt - where they will be eternally.
Selfishly, I am not wanting their eternity to begin quite yet. What I am really praying for is that God's will is based on my time schedule in taking them to their real home - with Him. I do confess - I have a great fear of Curt and the kids dying before me.
Why? Because it's more about my heart's will - of not letting go - holding on tightly.
So, is that really loving them more than myself? Am I really praying for what is best for them? Sure - I can/do try to justify my selfish prayers by even throwing up, "so they can do more work for you". In my heart I do desire that all they do will glorify Him, but an even greater part is that I want that while they are here with me.
The struggle between His will/my will continues. Even Christ struggled with this in the garden. Thankfully, He submitted to God's will. I am so thankful He is convicting my heart to follow His will more often - drawing me closer to Him - holding me accountable. Showing me that His will is the way that works. That there is no greater role model to pattern myself after than my Lord and Savior. For the gift of the Holy Spirit and His Word to listen and be guided by.
God vs self.
Interesting note: Selfishness has the base word "self"................
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