a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don’t for a moment escape God’s notice." (Psalm 51:16-17)
She stood at one of the three sinks in the public
bathroom. The one in the corner. Her stuff was piled on the floor beside her,
level with the counter top. In one hand was
the remains of a dirty rag and the other held a small sample bottle of hand sanitizer. Over and over she continued to wipe down the
counter. Wringing the remnant of the rag
under the full force of the water. When
the bottle of sanitizer was empty, she held it under the water, until it was
filled up. At times, she would rest her weary
head in her hands as she viewed what she was doing as a never ending job.
Nichalas says Chicago is a place where
you can never be alone, but is one of the loneliest cities in the world.
She stood there with women surrounding her, the line snaked
around and out the door, yet she was in her own world. Talking to herself, mumbling words I could
only pick up here and there. The anxiousness
and anxiety poured out of her eyes like the water pouring out of the
faucet. Her actions brought to mind these verses. Her “flawless performance” in cleaning the sink, was only smearing the unseen germs around on the counter top. Over and over she was going through the motions, all the while using improper tools. And when she was done, she let go a breath of relief. Her pride in her work was momentary. In her mind, she still saw the filth.
Much as God does when we are trying to remove sin in our lives our way, or just going through the motions.
For a number of years, I have been praying that God will break my heart for what breaks His. I have intentionally ignored the Holy Spirit, as He tapped my shoulder of conscience, while flapping my lips. I have been so guilty of the sin of malice. Even though I justified my sin with the fact I was telling ugly truth, it was in malice I was flinging the words about. In my prideful way, I wanted to hurt as I have been hurt.
My life has areas that are “heart-shattered”. In being held accountable by a person who
doesn’t care for me, I could have reacted either in defensiveness or in a Christ like
manner. Thankfully, I realized it wasn’t
about the person, it was about Him. I
needed to confess, ask forgiveness, and repent to set my heart right "in" Him. It didn’t depend on the reaction of the
person. Realizing I need to set
healthy boundaries to keep my heart pure in Him. I was trying to cover up issues by pretending
or not standing in Truth.
The setting up of healthy boundaries has brought about
“heart shattered lives”. It means that I
cannot be a part of those that tear me down, trying to mold me into what they
think I need to be, utilizing their own measuring sticks. This has created a needed emptiness, brokenness in my
heart to fill and repair.
With His love.
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