"You will be blessed when you come in" (28:6)
Usually, the first thing I think of when I awake in the morning is my "Abba", my Daddy. Most often, the last thing I remember before falling asleep is praising Him for my blessings.
This morning, snuggled down in the covers, I thought about my life before Him. How many years I went without Him crossing my mind at all. Even during Christmas and Easter. I may have given His name a fleeting thought, but I didn't pray or even recognize Him as real. He was, more or less, just the name of some person, power that lived way up there. I believed He loved others and was involved in their lives. I just never believed or felt He looked at me in the same way.
Yet, something within me kept searching for that something I couldn't give a name. I knew there was a void within me, but didn't recognize it as such. I was hungry. No I was starving. But couldn't put my finger for exactly what. No matter how much alcohol, drugs or men I consumed - I still continued to search. I see now I was searching in a pitch black room with my eyes wide open, and seeing a glimpse of light here and there. It was towards The Light I would head and be pulled off track by some worldly fix. I would direct my focus off The Light.
I look back and it is hard to say exactly when I discovered the door. That Christ was the key. Already unlocked, for it opened without resistance when I finally pushed against it. His hand was pulling the knob on the other side at the same time. He was there waiting. As He had been, from the beginning.
I was finally out of that black room. The door had been there the whole time.
Not even locked.
How many times had I stumbled right by it,
not recognizing the light as an outline of a door.
His door.
Now I know that Curt was one of the numerous wake up calls He gave me. Even though neither of us were Christians, God was using us to help each other in our search for Him.
All things for His glory.
Until having Adam did I recognize it was God I had been searching for. Throughout my life I had been looking for love and acceptance. He gave it to me through our children. Never before had I experienced such an unconditional, accepting love, as that from them. Thankfully, He has opened my eyes to see that same love from Curt. I never felt worthy of this type of love from him and continually sabotaged it. What a blessing Curt hung in there!
And God! I finally recognized this is a mere glimpse of how much He loves me.
Me.
"So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him"(Deuteronomy 30:19,20)
This I have been doing and will continue until my last breath. I have chosen Life. I have chosen Him to fill all my voids. No longer do I walk in the shadow of death, progressing through the dark room on the way to hell. Such relief I feel knowing my choice in teaching our sons of Him, which began at their birth, has led our children to an intimate relationship in Him. I almost vomit when I think where my previous choices could have led them to stumble and also live in the dark room. I send up praise to Him, knowing our present, and God willing future, grandchildren will be taught of Him as their fathers have been - from birth. I pray the cycle of Him will continue throughout all of our generations until He comes again.
It is only by "holding fast to Him", obeying His voice, I am enjoying this ride of living. Of life. That no longer am I in the dark room.
I am so deeply, head over heels, in love with my Abba, my Daddy. I yearn to hear His voice, spend time with Him, receive His love as it showers over me.
I love He led me to the choice of Life.
Welcomed me in through the door of Christ to Him.
God so blesses.
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