Tuesday, October 01, 2013

"You held tight to my lifeline" - 07/22/13 - 2 Kings 20:1-19, Isaiah 38:1-39:8, 2 Chronicles 32:24-31

"It seems it was good for me
    to go through all those troubles.
Throughout them all You held tight to my lifeline.
    You never let me tumble over the edge into nothing." (Isaiah 38:17)

"God left him on his own to see what he would do; He wanted to test his heart." (2 Chronicles 32:31)

I struggle with doubt, trust, faith.  Often times, throughout the years, I have wondered if He loved me as He says He does.  The part I wrestle with isn't His loving others, the whole world, it is His loving me.  I do not feel worthy.  I struggle with believing lies and reacting as a victim, to believing and standing In His Truth.

To separate what I have been conditioned with by the world, from His Word. 

Even though my mind knows how He actually did/does protect me, my heart still wallows occasionally in the mire of lies.  I am struggling to "be thankful in all things".  I struggle with jealousy, knowing there are some who have been raised with those who stand so strongly "in" Him and wish I could have been a part of that.  When He reminds me, I wouldn't be "who" I am today, if I hadn't withstood the "troubles" of my past, I am ashamed of my doubt in His being in control of all.  I know because I live in this world, I will and have been affected by the consequences of the choices of sin. 

So many times in my past, I have yearned for death, but I was too chicken to actually carry out a plan of suicide.  I see now, looking back, He was there, right beside me in that dark, cold, empty place.  Right beside me on the very edge of something, overlooking the abyss of nothingness.  Today I recognize it was His Hand taking me and leading me back to His Land through His Word.  For the last 15 years I have chosen to journey through His Word every day.  How He is peeling from me, the layers of doubt, mistrust, and lies, to see His Truth. 

Today we are at my very inner core. 

There are lies He is showing me I have to "shake the dust" from.  To leave behind my putting them before God and believing what they say, how they treat me, is Truth.  This is exactly what I have been doing all these years in choosing to believe lies of the world, in trying to win their approval, conditional love, live by their double standards.  It has been like a dog chasing its own tail - getting nowhere and wearing out. 

Doubt - satans only tool. 

"God left him on his own to see what he would do; He wanted to test his heart."

He is seeing if I am going to continue picking doubt up or cast it aside and utilize His Truth. 

Even though it is foreign, scary, uncomfortable, and sometimes seemingly cruel, I am finding more and more, doubt is being cast aside.  He is transforming my heart to be thankful for all things, because it has brought me into Him. 

No longer am I standing at the edge.

"It seems it was good for me
    to go through all those troubles.
Throughout them all you held tight to my lifeline.
    You never let me tumble over the edge into nothing."





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