a strong Warrior there to save you.
Happy to have you back, He'll calm you with His love
and delight you with His songs. (Zeph 3:17)
I can remember a few years ago, sitting on a dock listening to the sound of His water. Waves were gently lapping against the shoreline behind me, birds chirping here and there. A boat motor occasionally in the mix, but mostly just the sounds of the water. The water level at the time was very low due to the drought and areas were being exposed that hadn't been in years. I thought about the mark the water line had left over time, a scar on the surface, erosion exposed which couldn't be seen before.
ABBA had made me aware I had been in high water for a number of months. That emotionally I had been being hit over and over again by the waves of life and then a drought came along and exposed what I thought I had hidden. My emotional state was fragile.
It was more than having our sons move out, one get married, the not seeing them on a regular basis. It was the dealings with life. It was about seeing the passage of time. Of growing older. The body changes, not able to deny I am growing older. Little things - like trying to climb up into the boat and not having the strength in my hips to do so. Resorting to using a ladder.
Of being so busy in the day to day and then shocked to find what age I am actually at. Of how much time has passed. It was coming face to face to the fact, I am on the downhill side of this journey in life and was still trying to find my place.
It isn't that I am afraid of death - I know where I will be going - with Him. I am grateful for each new day He gives me. I am sad though that this life - a life full of blessings - is so quickly passing. I am trying not to have regrets - sadness - living in the past. But still, I yearn for yesterdays at times. Summertime is the season of seeing all the young families, constantly reminding me of all the fun we had when the boys were little. To pray God willing we will one day make memories with grandchildren.
There are times when I am a little out of sorts, not knowing where my place is. Does that make sense? So many years of my life had been filled with being mom, There was a hole in my heart, a sadness. A part of me felt as though it were missing. I felt as though I had experienced a death and was in mourning. The death of childhood for my children.
I know He is using me in many other ways, but "mom" was one of my main roles. It is at times very difficult to know how/when to mom to grown up sons. When to keep my mouth shut/open, when to offer help/or not. Learning to share "ours" with other families. Standing back and watching them do life on their own, at times without me.
He has opened my heart to "stop counting" what I didn't/don't get and instead count the numerous blessings I do receive. He has reminded me over and over to sit back and wait on His time, His being in control, His way prevailing.
"My God is present among me,
a strong Warrior there to save me.
Happy to have me back, He'll calm me with His love
and delight me with His songs."
Throughout all of my journey - He has/is here with me.
My strong Warrior - stronger than anything/anyone that comes into my path.
And He is happy - after the early years of being away, I came back. I walk with Him.
I sat there and listened to the music of His waters, calming with His love. I listened to the birds singing - delighting me with His songs.
No matter where/what I am going through - He is with me.
He has shown me my place to be in this life.
In Him.
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