‎"Follow" - 03/10/13 - Numbers 32:1-33:56

They weren’t interested in following me—their hearts weren’t in it. None, except for.............(32:12)

The parable of the seeds - the different soils, the conditions - His Word - our hearts.

It is so easy to forget, when my heart did not have Him in it - when I lived outside of Christ - and become judgmental, impatient to those that are where I once was.  When I was young, I went with the flow.  Everyone was "accepting" Christ, so I did.  Most of us didn't have a clue what that really meant, we just wanted to belong.  To not stand out as outsider.  And now, my desire is to be an outsider in this world and belong to Him.

Funny how that turned out.....

Especially when His seed fell on rocky ground. 

There are times when I am mowing by the bluffs and I have to just sit and stare.  In places - somehow, someway, a seed sprouted, took root, and became a rather large tree.  There in the rock the little roots wove their way into the cracks and hung on. 

How thankful I am that there were cracks in my heart.

That His Word wove His way in and grew.  He has transformed the rock of my heart into rich soil.  Soil that is growing seeds for Him. 

At the time, when my heart was a rock, I wasn't interested in following Him.  I stand amazed at how He has drawn me to Him.  How I run after Him, drink Him in.  How I am head over heels in love with Him. 

Today - I do and will follow Him everywhere. 

"They weren’t interested in following me—their hearts weren’t in it. None, except for.....Deby."

"My Husband" - ‎03/09/13 - Numbers 30:1-31:54

'But if her husband intervenes when he hears of it, he cancels the vow or rash promise that binds her. And God will release her." (30:8) 


I have a big mouth.

I often find myself speaking  before thinking.  At times it is because I am offended and feel the need to defend myself.  Sometimes, it is because I am nervous, or there is an empty space between conversations that I believe needs filled.

But sometimes, it is because I get caught up in the excitement and words just tumble out. 

There are often times I need a zipper on my mouth.

And it needs to be zipped more than unzipped.

An enthusiastic "yes" will pop out before I have thought things through, what is entailed, and most times - my heart really isn't in it.  I have said yes for the wrong reasons. 

Be it - excitement, guilt, shame, my own glory.

Wrong reasons.

He has taught me over the years that it is okay to be quiet and just listen.  That the times I don't say yes, is a time someone else does, because God wants them in that place.  Or that it is okay to not do, because He has something coming up that He needs me to do.  Something in my future that I hadn't planned to be in my journey.

It talks in scripture that your word is to be taken for what it is - a yes, is yes.  a no, is no. 

So many times I have given a yes, and broken my word.  Or even saying no.  How often have I said no to sin in my life and at the end of the day looking back, see my no became a yes. 

My "husband" is my Savior.  He is my Christ.

"He intervenes when he hears of it, he cancels the vow or rash promise that binds me. And God will release me."

This isn't a ticket for a ride to do as I please. 

I have entered into a covenant with Him and each time I sin - I break my vow.  Much like the wedding vows I took with Curt.  There will be consequences of my words.  Some will seem almost unbearable, some His grace saves me from enduring.  The more in love with Him I fall, the more I don't want Him to have to cancel my vow or rash promises.  Each time He has to, it breaks His heart. 

I want to please Him. 

To give Him joy. 

Sadly, my Husband, my Christ, has gotten the short end of the stick. 

And still He loves me. 

I am rest assured. 

There is no question.

My Christ - my Husband - He keeps His vows. 

‎"Stone Soup" - 03/08/13 - Numbers 27:1-29:40

"the Spirit is in him!" (27:18)

There is an old story, "Stone Soup", that I can remember reading to the boys when they were little.

A beggar asked alms at a lordly mansion, but was told by the servants they had nothing to give him.  "Sorry for it," said the man, "but will you let me boil a little water to make some soup of this stone?"  This was so novel a proceeding, that the curiosity of the servants was aroused, and the man was readily furnished with saucepan, water, and spoon.  In he popped the stone, and he begged for a little salt and pepper for flavoring.  Stirring the water and tasting it, he said, it would be the better for any fragments of meat and vegetables they might happen to have.  These were supplied, and ultimately he asked for a little catsup and other sauce.  When fully boiled and fit, each of the servants tasted it, and declared that the stone soup was excellent.

How thankful and blessed I am when I came to my Lord, I didn't have to beg.  He welcomed me with open arms and gave me all that He has.  Even though my status was that of a beggar, He treated me as His princess. 

Because that is what and who I am.

His princess.

My King!  When I gave my life to Him, I became His daughter.  He gave me not only the gift of eternal life through Christ, He gave me the gift of His Spirit to live within me - His temple.  How often I take it for granted, do not think of it at all, that I am His temple. 

His Spirit lives within me.

The God who created this universe and all it holds - lives within me. 

Wow. 

His Spirit who guides, protects, comforts, moans and groans relaying my heart to Him, celebrates -  lives within me.

My heart is a vessel He filled with water, pure and clean, in which I made the choice to put in His stone. 

My rock. 

When I first received my Rock,  I couldn't make sense as to why He wanted it in my heart.  But then His breath blew into the embers and the flame that came from Him began to heat the water.  He added to my heart My Savior, His Son - the marrow bones becoming a broth.  Through His Word came the seasonings.  The Fruits of the Spirit, of life, His Armor, Him.  The Holy Spirit constantly stirring. 

And as I looked into my vessel I could see floating on top amongst the ingredients God had put in, inedible items which were poison in my soup.  Items that were served on the platter of doubt by satan.  Items that I had taken off the platter and put in myself, thinking they were needed to enhance the flavor.  Sticks and decayed leaves of fear, insecurities, anger, bitterness, items of sin. 

And the Holy Spirit lifts up the slotted spoon straining out the items that brought poison to the soup.  It isn't until I am with my Abba that we will eat of the soup.  The soup  He created out of my nothing - my emptiness.  The soup, that with continued stirring brings up the hidden sediments laying in the bottom or the ones plainly seen floating on the top, which He removes.

It is on that day we will taste of it together and He will declare it excellent!   

"Private Parts" - ‎03/07/13 - Numbers 25:1-26:65

^"Just then, while everyone was weeping in penitence at the entrance of the Tent of Meeting, an Israelite man, flaunting his behavior in front of Moses and the whole assembly, paraded a Midianite woman into his family tent. Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw what he was doing, grabbed his spear, and followed them into the tent. With one thrust he drove the spear through the two of them, the man of Israel and the woman, right through their private parts." (25:6-9)

Arrogance - it isn't one of the fruits from God. 

"Paraded" right into his family tent. 

Wow! 

So easy to point a finger at him.  Never have I "paraded" right in front of God - sashaying along - going about "my" way. 

Oh, but I have. 

Times too numerous to count. 

How blessed and thankful I am that He covered me with forgiveness, grace, mercy, instead of a spear through my private parts.

Which is what I use when I sin.

My private parts.

The parts I think I am keeping private from Him.  The places marked "private" in my life.  Private areas that I go into and hang the "STOP Private Property" sign right in His face.  Places that I do not invite Him in to live, share my life with.

He is weeding those private parts out of my life though.  More and more I find myself flinging open the doors and desiring Him to come in, clean, organize the mess I have.  To transform those areas into a shared place In Him.

I was thinking about the difference between a vessel and a tool.

A vessel is used to contain or transport, a tool is controlled and manipulated. 

This man and woman in the verses, they were tools for satan.  They were allowing themselves to be  manipulated, trying to destroy as they were "paraded".  How differently it could have been if they chose to be vessels for Him. 

How differently my life goes when I choose to be His vessel. 

Yesterday, I had an urgency to speak to our minister regarding healthy boundaries.  Curt and I were able to meet with him, after taking Adam to the airport.  His flight had been bumped by four hours due to weather and I wasn't sure if we would return back in time to meet. 

God had it happen. 

I couldn't explain to Curt why I had such feelings of having this meeting.  And then there was unexpected contact today from a person and it all fell into place.  God knew what would happen today and wanted me to be ready.  I have chosen to be a vessel for Him and He will fill me with what is needed for this spiritual battle.  He knew the last straw for me, wasn't about me, but seeing Adam and watching him as he spoke to a person who God was helping me see Truth about.  I witnessed our son have a forgiving heart, loving voice, open to any contact, because He is God's.  He is able to overlook the things that occur and still love as Christ does.  Nichalas and Amber are able to do this too. 

Our children have chosen to be His vessels.

It occurred to me, standing there watching his face - this is my fruit.  Because I have chosen to be a vessel In God - I have the blessing of seeing Christlike fruit in our sons.  It reinforced that they have been raised In Truth.  And that I was able to stand firm in it.  He is teaching me that it is okay, and sometimes a necessity, to set healthy boundaries. 

Through Him, I didn't allow myself to be a tool of destruction, manipulation for evil.  I didn't allow myself to be a tool on "parade". 

In a persons arrogance, they haven't repented of sin nor are they sorrowful about them.  They will continue putting themselves above God - continue to be tools.

God will have them own their behavior. 

God will punish those that are not vessels for Him. 

Straight and to the point - right in their private parts.

"Blocked" - 03/06/13 - Numbers 22:1-24:25

I have come here to block your way because you’re getting way ahead of yourself. (22:32)


Hindsight is always 20/20.

So many times when I have been attacked, I wanted to lash out in words or actions that would cause harm and destruction. 

I used to. 

Frequently.

Usually - in front of my mirror. 

Just me and the pretend "them". 

This was my "secret closet".  The place that I let my true self righteous anger out.  Where I defended me - my way.  Not His.  My focus was so intent on the vengeful words - I could even pretend that God wasn't there in that room either.  And how I did let the words fly.  I also forgot there was another in that room.

Evil.

Another important thing I have learned about God and His time, His way.  Even though it is okay to become angry, He did create the emotion, it isn't okay to sin in my anger.  Particularly, when I become self-righteous in righteous anger. 

Here is another example of hindsight vision.  I thought many times I was ready to "stand up" and defend myself, but something kept me from doing so.  Thankfully, God had not freed me from the fear of conflict/confrontation and He used that to keep my "conversations" in front of the bathroom mirror.

Behind a locked door.

That was Him - totally keeping my mouth shut - while in the company of those persons.


"I have come here to block your way because you’re getting way ahead of yourself."

His way, His time.  I was not ready.  He was preparing me for so much.  I am so blessed in seeing how He has worked and used not only me as a vessel for Him, but also Curt and our marriage, in all of this. 

I wasn't ready because I hadn't forgiven.  I hadn't let go and given it all over to Him.  I was still taking the attacks personal.  I was doubting that He couldn't defend me, it was my job to.  I didn't believe that He "had my back". 

Until yesterday. 

As I have said before, even though I have been reading His Word every day for years, it wasn't until I started Blog through The Word, that my heart has begun rapid total transformation In Him.  All those years of just reading wasn't useless time - He was cultivating my heart - ridding it of the weeds that are/were stunting my growth.  Through Blog, the seeds that have been planted, that have been sprouting, are finally growing In His care.

He has been growing me strong roots.

Finally, I am ready to set healthy boundaries with those that surround me and try to mold me using their double standards.  I have left behind the sadness for myself and feel only sorrowful for Him.  How His heart is breaking over the persons who are not living in Truth. 

His Truth in which I stand firm and live In. 

It is so like the crossing of the Red Sea.  He is rejoicing and celebrating in the freedom of Our/my overcoming, for crossing over, yet at the same time grieving because of who and what the choices He is leading me to set up healthy boundaries from. 

He has answered my prayers.

My heart is breaking over what breaks His. 

"Live" - ‎03/05/13 - Numbers 19:1-21:35

"God said to Moses and Aaron at Mount Hor at the border of Edom, “It’s time for Aaron to be gathered into the company of his ancestors. He will not enter the land I am giving to the People of Israel because you both rebelled against my orders at the Waters of Meribah. So take Aaron and his son Eleazar and lead them up Mount Hor. Remove Aaron’s clothes from him and put them on his son Eleazar. Aaron will be gathered there; Aaron will die.” (20:23-26)



When the boys were little, I held them up against me - heart to heart - and as we would hug tightly, in each others ear we would whisper, "ding,ding,ding".  We called it our "fillups". 

A way we still hug. 

Yesterday at 7am, Nichalas and I gave each other our "fillups".  Looking up into his eyes, I saw that he had tears in them, and God gave me a glimpse of my little boy in the face of my grown man. 

Then I turned and got into our car to begin our journey back to Quincy. 

We took the same route for a few blocks, until we were at a light turning left and he pulled up beside us to go straight for his work.  Our windows rolled down, we gave each other the "I Love You" sign and drank in love through each others eyes.  The light turned green

 and the last memory I have, until I see him in July, is his brave, tear brimmed eyes and his voice carrying over the space between the cars,  "I love you mom".

I am so blessed and thankful for these past days to spend with our Nichalas and Amber in Phoenix.  So looking forward to making memories with our Adam in just a couple of weeks when he comes home.  So thankful that the many miles between us, God enables me to endure with the treasures of memories He has blessed me with. 

Memories that are tucked into my heart.

In 1990, I was diagnosed with a type of blood cancer.  Although they haven't found a cure for it, they do know how to keep it stabilized.  As I age, there are things that will happen with my body from not only the disease, but also the medications that I am on to keep me stabilized.  Kind of a catch 22. 

I would be lying if I said I have always been thankful for this disease.  It took a number of years to finally be where Paul says, "thankful for all things".  Because of my diagnosis I have to go and be checked out every three months.  Each visit is one into the unknown.  I never know what the results of my blood in the little glass tube will bring.  There have been issues I have had to deal with and overcome - so far.  And that is what led me to being thankful.

Before - I took my days for granted.  Now I drink each one in.  I have become one who says words of love, encouragement to the person when they are alive - rather than at their funeral.  I find myself listening to Him more in regard to revenge, etc. and let Him "have my back".  I look forward to the pruning He does, all be it painful at times, because it is ridding me of garbage.  Garbage I have been packing around too many years.  Garbage that is interfering with my days I have left.

But then, we are all dying.

"So take Aaron and his son Eleazar and lead them up Mount Hor. Remove Aaron’s clothes from him and put them on his son Eleazar. Aaron will be gathered there; Aaron will die.”

I wonder what was going through their heads. 

I find myself thinking about wasted moments throughout the years.  I was a mom that played, but how many more memories could we have created if I hadn't of been so concerned about keeping my house immaculate  for the approval of others.  I think about how I used my time over the years, was it to the fullest.  I wish our marriage was where it is today, many years ago.  I wish I had of been who I am in Him today, sooner.  But, thankful and blessed that it happened before it couldn't.  I receive so much joy in watching and sharing with the kids as they are living out their dreams and exploring different places, doing different things.  So many things I wanted to do, but didn't make it a priority, will never be, because I am too old.  The body just won't do some things anymore. 

We are all dying. 

There's a song, "To live like you were dying", and I wonder - how many of us are.

He has given me the gift of life.  I drink up my days.  I don't dwell on "what if's", "too bads", "regrets".  I savor the time He has given me. 

We are all dying.   

How many of us will be more satisfied than not at our end time.

‎"My Best Part" - 03/04/13 - Numbers 16:1-18:32

"By offering the best part, you’ll avoid guilt, you won’t desecrate the holy offerings" (18:32)

Sitting here, getting ready to leave.  Knowing we won't see two of our kids for quite a few months.  Five at the earliest. 


"By offering the best part, you’ll avoid guilt." 

When I look at my life, Adam and Nichalas are definitely the best part of what I have ever produced.  It wasn't me - it was God who had His hand in it all and how they turned out as they have. 

I stand amazed.

How He took me - one who was of sin, who walked outside of Him for so many years.  He took my stumbling blocks and made them into His stepping stones.  I stand amazed that our sons walk in Him - only because of His grace and mercy. 

It has been hard every season, as they have grown up, to let them go.  It has been an adjustment, to say the least, of what and how my role has changed over the years.  Due to my past, I had such a void in my heart for love.  Until I became a mom - I had never experienced such a gift.  To have one look at me in delight (most times), to need me in the ways they did, that fulfilled my life and heart.  I was gaining my worth from them.  I was also putting them over Curt.  And our marriage was falling apart because of that. 

Thankfully, God showed me my sin and I repented of that, before I lost "my Curt".  In holding back the offering of the boys to God, I was sinning.  I was walking in guilt.  I was making them my idol.  I was putting my self, my needs - before Him.  I was desecrating the best part of me.

And I was fooling myself - they weren't mine.  They still aren't.  They are His. 

I am just the vessel He chose to raise them.

His Word has showered blessings upon me that are too many to count.  His Word has helped me recognize where I need to grow, where I have, and what my fruits are. 

My fruits are many.  Two of them have become three.  Nichalas' bride - our Amber - she too walks in Him.  Only because of how our Abba brought them up, is how Nichalas has picked one in Him.  His Word is His guideline and measuring stick - as it also is Adam's. 

Not much greater joy than celebrating and walking together in Him this family of five I belong to.  This family that made it through the trials and tribulations. 

This family that He has used and continues to use for His Glory!

                         Because we are His. 



 

"Different spirit" - ‎03/03/13 - Numbers 14:1-15:41

“But my servant Caleb—this is a different story. He has a different spirit; he follows me passionately. I’ll bring him into the land that he scouted and his children will inherit it."  (14:24)


It wasn't until I drew into an intimate relationship with my Abba, that I found where I fit in.  I was always different from those around me.  He helped me realize it was Him - working on me - even before I knew Him. 

And now, I am so in love with Him. 

I love that He has given me a different spirit and that I am a woman after His own heart.  I love following Him passionately, even at the sound of ridicule, rejection, rebuke, from the voices of those who don't know Him intimately. 

We have just been blessed with worshiping with our children this morning.  Standing in the upper balcony, our heads almost touching the ceiling, hearing the singing voices rise up to Him on their way through the rafters. 

My heart is on fire for my Lord. 

His Hand is holding mine as I can not help but raise it to Him during the songs.  The words wash over my heart as I sing them as prayer, tears spill out of my closed lids and streak down my made up face. 

It matters not. 

It matters not that my mascara has went from my lashes to dark lines running down my face.  It matters not that my voice is not one of harmony.  He has told me, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made", including my voice. 

And now I sing. 

I sing loudly. 

I want Him to know my heart sings for Him. 

There with my Curt, my cup runneth over with joy and peace, standing beside our young son and his wife.  Knowing that their hearts are sold out to Him.  That one day we will not be separated by distance, one day that this family of ours will be together with Him. 

It matters not that I have made mistakes in my role of their mother.  There were moments I am so thankful they don't remember, that they didn't form who they are today.  That my Abba stepped in and covered them, protected them from those errors. 

What does matter is that they saw I have "a different spirit; that I  follow God passionately" and were drawn to becoming that way too.

What does matter more than anything - is that one day their children, and their children's children will see them in the same way. 

I pray His ripple continues on until He comes again.

One with a different spirit; that follows their Abba passionately.

‎"Tool of Doubt" - 03/02/13 - Numbers 11:1-13:33

Everybody we saw was huge. "  (13:32)

They took their focus off of  God and began to doubt.  Their feet wouldn't move fast enough as they ran in fear away from God.  They ran in their own direction, guided by their own advice.  Everything that God had brought them through was thrown out of their faith bank. 

satan and his tool of doubt.

satan wants us to believe our Abba isn't bigger than anything we come up against.  That He isn't bigger than even our own mistakes.  Our sins.  

But He is. 

Hindsight is 20/20.  Think about all the giants, the mountains, that came into your path on your journey.  At the time they seemed so large, there wasn't even a way to go around them, much less over them.  And now when you look back, after being conquered, they lose their power of fear.  Of doubt that you would make it to the other side.  To the promised land.

While climbing the mountain in Phoenix, I had to stop and rest.  It caused me anguish that my body was so out of shape.  There were moments when I was flabbergasted that it wouldn't/couldn't obey a command from my brain.  And at some points, I began to doubt if I would make it to the top. 

It was during one of those rest times, as I looked out over the valley in worship of His beauty, His awesomeness, that I realized what was happening.  He was slowing my climb down to His time so I would stop and see His majesty.  To have my breath taken away, not only from the exertion of the climb, but also His paintbrush, His sculptures of nature.  Because I was only able to look up during my climb, I was missing the view.  That is what made the mountain seem smaller, He broke it up into sections.  He took my mind off of the work of climbing the giant, to the vastness of His beauty surrounding it.  He made that giant small - right there as I was on it. 

In a way only He can do, He made me bigger than that giant.  He wrapped me right up into His arms causing me to focus on Him and all He created for me to see and enjoy.  Much like the giants, mountains in life.  I am the one making them bigger than Him or me "in" Him.  Because I am His - nothing can overpower us.  We have and we will make it over the mountains, we have and we will cast down the giants.

Unless I choose to believe in the doubt satan cast before me. 

‎"Wallowing" - 03/01/13 - Numbers 6:1-27, 10:1-36

 “Also, for the duration of the consecration to God, you must not go near a corpse." (6:6)

I am consecrated for my whole life - unless I chose to go near the corpse of sin. 

It is my choice  where I walk. 

Even though sin will pop up, I am protected by the blood of Christ. 

God has given me an escape no matter the temptation - it is my choice to run away from it or stop and entertain sin in my life. 

I think about our dog, Neko, who used to drag up the carcass of dead animals he would find in the woods.  He absolutely loved to wallow in the stench and decay.  Covering himself with the filth and scent.  It took everything I had to get him away from it. 


Consecrated.  What goes into my mind is what is in my heart. 

It is my choice to put into it His Truth or the world. 

He is my Helper to protect me from the attacks of sin in the spiritual warfare.  As long as I follow His lead, I remain outside of sin.  Unfortunately, I have/do/will mess up.  I will stop to wallow in the stench and decay, just as Neko did.  Even though He has covered me with His blood, making me Holy, He did not remove my free choice.  It is me that moves outside of the covenant.  He doesn't kick me out, turn away from me. 

It is me who goes to the carcass of sin. 

In a way that I can not comprehend, His love for me covers the times I turn away only to return to Him.  His arms are always open in forgiveness, grace and mercy upon receiving my repenting heart. 

It amazes me that through Christ I am a sweet smell to Him, even when I have wallowed in sin.  How only His blood makes me as white as snow. 

"As I Go" - ‎02/28/13 - Numbers 4:1-5:31

Protect them so they will live and not die when they come near the most holy things. To protect them, Aaron and his sons are to precede them into the Sanctuary and assign each man his task and what he is to carry. (4:17-18)

 

All that Christ did for me so I may crawl up into my Daddy's lap - that I may be in an intimate relationship with the Holy of Holy.  Protected.

Because of Him,  I am now the Sanctuary in which His Holy Spirit lives.  My helper. 

He preceded me so I may come near the most Holy. 

My Daddy.  My Abba.  My Father. 

He has assigned me my task.  I know that I keep repeating, but it is the Great Commission from Christ  ^"As I go, as I live,  make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit" (Matthew 28:19)

 How am I at carrying it out.  How it has changed with each season I am in?  Is there more urgency "as I go"?  Am I so "in" love with Him  - that with everything I am - it is to please Him?  Am I watching, at the ready to respond as Christ when a "Divine Appointment" is set before me?  Am I honored and blessed with how He uses me or do I react by grumbling?  Do I utilize my gifts and talents for Him?  For His Kingdom?   

Or is "as I go" all about me?

Christ preceded me.  He did this by giving His life.  He became the ultimate sacrifice for me. 

In shame, I stand before Him knowing that the answer to those questions is often revolved around me.  My wants.  Staying in my comfort zone and enjoying His blessings. 

How selfish and unlovely of me. 

May my heart love as His does.  May my eyes identify and may my hands reach out to those who are lost.  May my heart break for what breaks His. 

May I watch and be at the ready when He uses me to make Disciples.

"as I go" 

"as I live".

"Maintenance" - ‎02/27/13 - Numbers 2:1-3:51

"They were in charge of maintaining the Sanctuary for the People of Israel and the rituals of worship. Anyone else who tried to perform these duties was to be put to death. (3:38)








Just how serious do we take God?  His commandments?  We have been commanded to love the Lord, to make His Disciples.  Is this our first priority or are we focused on living for self?  Walking to our own tune?









When I was growing up, I was taught that the "Sanctuary" was the room in the church with the pews.  The place where we would gather to worship, hear His Word.  Upon studying His Word, I have learned it isn't a room or a place. 

It is those in Christ.

"For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, "I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people."  (2 Corinthians 6:16)

God tells us that the road is narrow into Heaven, that the only way into Heaven is through His Son - our Savior - Jesus Christ.   This verse causes me to think about how am I maintaining the Sanctuary of me?  The temple of the living God? 

I hate to exercise, give up foods I love, but if I don't - my body will really fall by the wayside.  Just as my spiritual Temple will- if I do not continually maintain it.  I love to feed it His Word.  I am so thankful that He has me in a season of life that I may spend any amount of time with Him I want to.  I love how He is transforming me each moment to be more like Him.  Looking forward to the pruning and shaping.  Even though there sometimes is pain, the rewards are too numerous to mention.   Curt is a prayer warrior who prays every day for certain persons.  My prayers are more of the continual conversation with Him - the "when God brings them to mind" prayer warrior. 

Today, I was prayed over by a group of sisters, and one described me as a seed planter and Curt a cultivator.  That so fits us. Every one of us has been given different gifts and talents, it is such a blessing that Curt and I work so well as a team.  I love that we both look into His Word daily as our instruction manual.  The other day, I was praying about how to tell if someone is standing on truth and God told me, "their fruits".    We are all being watched by someone.  We are all teachers - either by words, actions or even both.  This isn't a position to take lightly, "for you know that we (teachers) will be judged by a higher standard and with greater severity (than other people), Thus we assume the greater accountability and the more condemnation." (James 3:1-2)

There are so many examples of those who have held great teaching positions and have fallen away from God.  Their motives were for self and not Him.  I think about the movie "The Passion" and how it affected the world.  It is my prayer that the fall of the producer/director is forgotten by the power of the movie message.  But, there are some who fall away because they have seen so much rot in those who claim to be in Christ. 

We are all human, we will all fail, which is why I am so very thankful for His grace and mercy when I do!  This is yet another reason to make sure we are well maintained.  That we are using His "instruction manual" for every single step, breath, we take.  Only those who maintain as He instructed, become His disciple making His disciples. 

In the story of the "Pied Piper" the townspeople hired him to lure away the rats with his music.  When his job was complete, they refused to pay him.  In retaliation, he lured away their children.  


Those who lead with any other music - but His - are a "Pied Piper" -  leading self and others to death.

 

 

‎"Devoted to....." - 02/26/13 - Leviticus 27:1-34, Numbers 1:1-54

 “No human who has been devoted to destruction can be redeemed. He must be put to death."  (Leviticus 27:29)

Does this scare you?  I mean scare you in such a way that you feel you will lose control of your bowels?  It needs to. 

Because of free will we decide who we are devoted to. 

Him or self. 

Him = eternal life.  self = eternal damnation. 

Living apart from Him now = eternity apart from Him when we die. 

What are you devoted to?

It seems at times when we read God's laws, they seem harsh and unforgiving.  God doesn't just "zap" you, but teaches you first.  Before the people were instructed to stone a person, the laws had been presented to everyone.  It is the destructive one who blatantly sins before God and His people.  If God continually moves the line in the sand, then the cancer of sin would grow and take over everyone.  They would take the ways of sin into their hearts. 

Wonder what our society would be like today if there wasn't the three strike rule.  If a person who killed or raped someone was executed instead of having their hand slapped.   Would pedophiles be so bold if they were taken out and shot instead of maybe going to jail and then released into society.  Studies show that there are many person who repeatedly commit crimes because the sentence really didn't affect them.

I am thinking stoning would.

Then I wonder if I would feel this way if it were one of our sons. 

As an obedient servant of God, I would have to. 

The key word in this verse is "devoted".  It is their desire to bring destruction upon all.  There would have to be a point where I sacrifice my child for the sake of those he is destroying.  How hard it would be to do this, particularly if I were ordered to throw stones too.  How do you remove yourself from your own flesh and blood?  When their desire is not of God, does that change how we look upon them?  Every one that sins is some mothers child.  At one time they were carried under a mothers heart. 

We are called to love all.  How do you love someone who rapes and beats an innocent child?  How do you look past the sin and love that person. 

Only through Christ. 

God so loved the world - that means sinners - so much He gave His only Son so we may have everlasting life with Him.  When a person "devotes" their lives to destruction, they still have to face the consequences of their actions.  While serving their sentence, they can and sometimes do find God.  He does release them from their sentence - through early release or through death unto Him. 

My question is - are we going to be held responsible because we have continually moved the line in the sand, allowing those devoted to destruction to continue?  Do we live being responsible for protecting and keeping the cancer of sin out of our family?  Do we live intently - with each breath we take - "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit,"(Matthew 28:19)

The one sure way of preventing the cancer of sin to spread is leading all hearts to Him. 

‎"Neighbors" - 02/25/13 - Leviticus 25:24-26:46

“I’ll set up my residence in your neighborhood; I won’t avoid or shun you; I’ll stroll through your streets. I’ll be your God; you’ll be my people. I am God, your personal God who rescued you from Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians. I ripped off the harness of your slavery so that you can move about freely. (25:11-13)

We must have walked over 10 miles today, exploring this area Nichalas and Amber now call home. 

Phoenix, Arizona. 

1479 miles from us.


Adam - Liverpool, NY

963 miles in the other direction from us.


I am so very thankful that we live in an age of automobiles, airplanes, cell phones and Skype.  It helps a little (stress "a little") to ease not being able to physically be together more often. 

What I am most thankful for though, is that our Daddy lives everywhere - at once.  There is not one single place He isn't.  Not one. 

Knowing, as Curt and I walked around the neighborhood, that our Daddy lives here, caused so many emotions to run through my heart.  Happiness that He is not only our neighbor, but lives in our home as well.  That no matter where we are planted, we are surrounded by siblings.  We are never alone - even in a new place. 

Never! 

It is so wonderful that Nichalas has his Amber, but it causes me a sadness when I think about Adam being alone in Liverpool.  That he didn't have someone to share new adventures with, little spells of homesickness, being alone on holidays when he could not be home.  God replaced that sadness with peace by leading Adam to a church with siblings who have adopted him and welcomed him not only into their homes, but their hearts as well.  Nichalas and Amber are blessed with a wonderful church and are getting to know their new found siblings.

I so love that our Daddy is there to welcome us always.  Never will He see us coming and run the other way or pretend He doesn't see us.  He wants us to feel at home in this temporary place.  He wants us to have security and safety knowing that He is here.  He has promised to meet our needs.  That way we won't have to concentrate on where we belong, but on Him and what He has planted us here to do. 

Knowing that He is "strolling through our neighborhoods" tells me that He isn't eager to leave.  He wants to be there or here with us.  He desires to be with us. 

It is such a freedom knowing that none of us have to worry about where He plants us.  He is already there as our welcoming committee.  This makes me look forward in excitement to what He has in store for me every day.  Where will I be that I see signs of Him?  Will one of the persons I meet and smile at turn out to be a sibling?  Will we more than just pass by each other or has He decided we are to share life together.  What neighbors does He have lined up for me to walk with this or all seasons. 

I think about Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.  He always had a welcome mat out for all who came by.  Much like our Daddy does.  He wants us to experience life with Him and our siblings.  He has ripped off the yokes of slavery so that we can move and grow in Him anywhere.

Isn't that exciting! 

He lives in our neighborhood
               no matter the address!

‎"Double Standards" - 02/24/13 - Leviticus 23:1-25:23

"And no double standards: the same rule goes for foreigners and natives. I am God, your God.” (24:17)

It used to be that when I was offended, I felt it was due to being disrespected. 

God has been opening my eyes to truth and in the process; I discovered it wasn't about disrespect at all.  It was the double standards.  Often times it seems the world believes what is okay for one, isn't okay for another.  I used to have a fear of standing up for myself.  Lately though,  I have begun thinking, "what is the worst thing to happen if I do?". 

I am recognizing that people, who set their living on double standards, tend to be bullies.  Since I hate confrontation, I make an easy target.  Then the passive aggressive side of me shows itself in my words of malice, conversations of revenge to self.  Bitterness and anger begin to flow in and my heart becomes hardened. 

This way of living was weighing me down.  I felt as though I was being buried alive.  It was separating me from God.  It isn't that I am set on revenge; I leave that up to God.  It is about standing up for truth, for walking in His ways, of not allowing me to be a scapegoat anymore.  He has given me His strength in saying, "enough".  I love this quote I read the other day, "critique only becomes criticism if you fear other people by craving their approval or fearing their rejection. But living in light of gospel truth means you know that your most devastating evaluation has already been made: You have fallen short of God’s glory in every way possible. But you still get “two thumbs up” because of Christ’s righteousness. That frees you from the sting of falling short in the judgment of a fellow creature."

Curt and I were discussing how someone you are looking at stands outside of Christ, may well be looking at you the same way.  How do you know who is standing in truth? 

By our fruits. 

Who in their fruits is allowing Christ to shine?  Who is being a light for Him? 

I was allowing the double standards of the world to dim my light.  I was bringing fungus into my heart and it was hardening towards those who I was offended by.  I did not love them as Christ does.  I was looking at them through my "self" and not feeling sorrow for where they are, or are not, in God. 

“Order the People of Israel to bring you virgin olive oil for light so that the lamps may be kept burning continually." (24:1)

I was causing God sorrow in allowing my "self" to run out of "virgin olive oil" because I was filling it with my own oil. 


I was living my life in double standards by not living by His Word.

I was living as it was okay for me not to be Christ like towards a person - even towards God.  But, oh how wrong for anyone to treat me as such. 

Who do I think I am - god????

That is exactly where I was putting myself.  I was putting "self" before Him.  I was running out of oil.  I am so blessed and thankful that He has opened my eyes to Truth.  That He has held me accountable and my heart is transforming to be more like His.  I am also so thankful when He "trims and prunes" me to be more like Him. 

That He doesn't rule with double standards. 

‎"56 and counting" - 02/23/13 - Leviticus 20:1-22:33

 “Set yourselves apart for a holy life. Live a holy life, because I am God, your God. Do what I tell you; live the way I tell you. I am the God who makes you holy."     (20:7-8)

This is the day "my Curt" turns 56.  This is a day that marks another year that I have been blessed with this man as my husband, my best friend, the father of our children. 

This man is my team mate. 

It has taken the majority of our 30 years together to finally find us set apart from what garbage we both brought into our relationship.  Not only with each other, but also with God.  It wasn't until about five years ago that Curt finally gave up all of himself and began to live a holy life.  And how he has taken off!   God is growing him and us like a weed!  Curt is drinking in truth and transforming into this awesome spiritual leader that I have prayed for all this time. 

God has shown me that it had to be His time, His way.  Not mine.

Another awesome thing about our Abba is I have no resentment towards Him or Curt on what I thought was taking too long of a time.  I have only joy and celebration because it is so right.  Only God could make Curt and "us"  holy.  And how He has! 

You know, all these years I thought I was the one carrying the load of raising our sons to be followers of Him, that Curt didn't take it as seriously as it is.  He didn't see or acknowledge the spiritual warfare that is surrounding us.  This war that we are involved with at all moments.  That satan wants nothing more than to remove our family from Abba's arms.  I knew that God heard my prayers, that He was walking with me.  I knew He was in control, but I still felt weary from carrying the burden of being the Spiritual leader in our home.  Looking back now, I see that God was the real leader.  I also see how in His amazing way, He has taken all those years that Curt didn't walk in Him, used them for His glory, and developed close relationships with his children In Him.  He holds them accountable in their walk, they come to him for advice - even spiritual.  He prays with and over them regularly. They see and know that Curt is in a deep and intimate relationship with our Abba.

How thankful I am that God has blessed me with another year of celebrating Curt's birth with him.  That we were able to experience this part of the country for the first time, together.  That our vacation was really a vacation.  It was filled with much laughter, conversation, making memories.  I know that the only reason we are at this place in our marriage is that we have chosen to live holy lives in Him - to set ourselves apart from the world. 

When coming upon the Grand Canyon, I couldn't get over the fact that out in the middle of nothing, He created this breathtakingly, awesome crack in the surface of the earth.  How He was showing off in all the colors, textures, shadows, materials.  How He created our vision to be able to drink it all in, even a camera can not duplicate what we see. 

I think back again to our marriage. We were both starving, dying of thirst, living in the desert of life - away from Him.  When we gave our lives totally over to Him, He transformed our marriage into a taste of Heaven.  He made it Holy.

I love that He does that with us.  When we become Holy - He is showing off in all He designed us to be.

His image. 

 

"Fungus will Spread" - ‎02/22/13 - Leviticus 17:1-19:37

"Obey my laws and live by my decrees. I am your God. Keep my decrees and laws: The person who obeys them lives by them. I am God." (18:5)

In yesterday's reading He spoke about an unclean home, "If the fungus breaks out again in the house after the stones have been torn out and the house has been scraped and plastered, the priest is to come and conduct an examination; if the fungus has spread, it is a malignant fungus. The house is unclean. The house has to be demolished—its stones, wood, and plaster are to be removed to the garbage dump outside the city." (14"43-47)

        My heart. 


It is where He lives and how often has a fungus been introduced that I allowed to take over.  To cause an uncleanliness in my heart?  What I put into my heart is what I become. 




Until I die, there will always be a fight against the "fungus".  Of serving Him or serving "self".  He has promised me that there isn't one temptation that I will encounter that He hasn't provided a route of escape. 

And still - there are times - when I will stay right there and submit to the temptation.

And the fungus will be introduced, again. 

Every winter during our down time, I have the goal of reorganizing and purging our home of items that we no longer use.  That have been sitting in drawers, shelves, etc., gathering dust and taking up space.  Some of these items I discard because they are no longer any use to us, but some I find I have held onto because I was getting my worth from them.  Some items were only here because of sentimental reasons or as a way of being a part of a relationship or person. I go into this purging thinking that one day I will be gone and I do not want Curt and the kids to be consumed with sorting through all the stuff.  I want them to be able to focus on Him, each other.  I try to rid my home of the "fungus" that is sitting unseen on a shelf.  There have been too many families, that I have been a part of or seen, torn apart because of the "stuff" a person left and how they left it.  I try to remember that Christ lives here and to give Him access to every square inch of our homes.  The physical and the spiritual. 

I have learned that even though you cut off the green mold on cheese, you aren't cutting off the roots that have went deeper than the line of mold.  Temptations that we chose to fall victim to are so like that.  The roots will grow deep, unseen, throughout your heart, penetrating into your mind, your life, your body language, consuming all of you. 

Unless your heart is covered in His blood.  Covered in and through with His grace and mercy. 

It is the "penicillin" so to speak, that saves you. 

Sometimes there are "stones" in my heart that will have to be removed.  They are "stones" that I allowed self, or others, to put there.  They are "stones" of lies.  But God doesn't leave my heart with unfinished walls.  He fortifies them, rebuilds them up with His Stones of Truth.

It is in the rebuilding process, using His stones,  that I see my heart becoming more than just a house with Him, but a home.  And there is a difference.  My home In Him - with Him as the center, creates my life as Him as the center.  It is transforming me to reflect Him more and more.  To escape from the temptations - the fungus - the mold.

It has Christ as the Cornerstone.

‎"At the Ready" - 02/21/13 - Leviticus 14:33-16:34

"standing by and ready." (16:21)

 

A vast amount of people in a war.  Some are in the midst of the parade that is going to battle, some are "standing by" in the sidelines watching for any signal that their help is needed.  Ready to run in and take from the Warriors what they found isn't needed to carry with them.  Ready to run in and listen to last minute instructions they have for those they are leaving behind.  Ready to run in and give them food or a drink of water or replenish supplies.  Ready to run in to clean and dress a wound.  Ready to run in and just walk beside a Warrior for a time.  Ready to run and become a Warrior, so one may rest. 



"Standing by and ready."

We have began, in our Bible Study group, going over the Armor of God.  It isn't called Armor by chance.  It is described as an essential uniform to wear "when" we are attacked by the enemy.  Not "if", but "when".  This Armor is supplied by our Daddy, our Commander in Chief, and it is our free choice to wear it or not.  We are responsible for the upkeep and to become so familiar with it that we feel naked without it. 

For in reality - without it - we are naked.

Being president of the "Better Late than Never" club, often has me remembering His scriptures regarding the 10 virgins.  Five of them came prepared with oil for their lamps while waiting for their Bridegroom.  Five did not.  It seems the harder I try not to be late, the later I am.  I realize that He has set my Divine Appointments for the day and not being ready and on time has caused me to miss so many throughout my life. 

I am striving not to do that anymore.  I am so about hanging up my title and membership to this club. 

The white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland was "late for an important date".  I too have an important date with what He has set up for me.  Too often, I am not utilizing all that He has blessed me with and find I am not "at the ready".  His Word has promised me that He is in total control, so there aren't any surprises awaiting me.  There is nothing new under the sun.  His Word has prepared me for the job that is ahead of me for making disciples.   

So why am I sometimes standing by and just watching?  At times, not even paying attention to Him and totally into me?  Why do I, at times, stand back and let someone else handle "an appointment"?  All He has sacrificed to "ready" my heart, eyes, ears.  Why am I not totally focused on Him - my voice tuned in to His for instruction.  Why do I move to a place where the signal is weak?  He isn't moving - I am.  Instead of standing firm in His promises, why do I allow the storms of life to affect my heart?  Affect my reaction time to His appointments. 

When I am not "at the ready", my place has to be covered.  Someone has to step in and take my place, leaving theirs empty.  The game of dominoes begins.  There are times when my loving Savior steps in. 

After all He has done for me and I choose to put myself before Him.  I chose not to be "at the ready".

What kind of warrior for Him am I?

‎"Poor? No Rich!" - 02/20/13 - Leviticus 12:1-14:32

 “If he is poor and cannot afford these offerings, he will bring one male lamb. (14:21)



There is no question, no doubt.  There is no "if". 

I am poor.



Before I was saved that is.



There wasn't anything I could do to "earn" my way into Heaven, into His courts.  Nor could I "work" my way in. 

It used to be that I received great feelings of worth in my "acts of service".  In my "fruits of labor" - including our sons.  The more I sacrificed in my time, money, even my family for His church, the more I believed that I was closer to Heaven. 

To Him.

My time was all caught up in doing "things" and not doing "things that mattered".  I was "doing" the Bible Studies, attending services, involved in a million groups, but I wasn't applying my heart. 

Pretty much doing the "art of lip service". 

And I was becoming poorer and poorer. 

Spiritually.

"He will bring one male lamb."

He did you know. 

He provided the Lamb of Christ.  I recognized that I was poor and couldn't afford the offering.  There wasn't any offering that would equate to the Lamb that He brought. 

And I stopped.  I listened.  He taught me an important word.  "No".

In my trying to "work" my way into Heaven, I had completely cast aside His Lamb.  I was also depriving others from giving a blessing by trying to do everything myself.  I was trying to play god and do everything my way. 

I was continuing to live as a poor person.  I was rejecting the riches He has provided.  I was missing out on the Fruits of the Spirit. 

He transformed my heart and my life into resting In Him.  Following His lead, instead of mine, of what He wanted me to do.  Saying "no" so others could say "yes".

He helped me stop and enjoy the riches intimacy "in" Him brings.

‎"Distinguished" - 02/19/13 - Leviticus 9:1-11:47

"Distinguish between the holy and the common, between the ritually clean and unclean."  (10:10)

In this world of darkness, I am so grateful when I encounter a brother or sister unexpectedly.  To be out of my comfort zone, look across the room at a stranger, and hear the Holy Spirit tell me - "your sibling". 

And you just know - without a doubt - that they too - are His child. 

It isn't because they dress like royalty, but they are clothed in Him.  There isn't a neon arrow pointing at them, but His Light radiates from within them.  They aren't surrounded by body guards, but His angels, His Spirit surround them.

It is because He lives within our hearts that people looking are able to distinguish us as holy.  It is because of His blood that I am covered and clean.  That is what makes us stand out in a crowd.  This is also why we are rejected, attacked, bullied, and ostracized by the world.  The way we are supposed to be - not of the world, but in the world.















We in Him are different.

I love to hear the "small world" stories that people share.  I love that no matter the distance from your comfort zone, He provides a family member to be there to encourage and lift you up.  Or to be there as a fellow warrior in the spiritual battle. 

To know that we are not alone. 

That He cares and loves us so much, He provides "family" as we go - as we live. 

‎"28 Years and Counting" - 02/18/13 - Leviticus 7:1-8:36

God commanded what has been done this day in order to make atonement for you. (8:34)

Today our oldest son, Christopher Adam, is 28. 

I shake my head in disbelief that he is that many years old.  10,220 days plus the 270 (give or take a few) he spent beneath my heart in my womb. 


Never have I loved as I love our sons. 

Yes, I do love my Daddy, my Savior, The Holy Spirit, His Word. 

In a different way.  Yet in some of the same ways. 

Would I hesitate to give my life to save our sons?  Within a heartbeat. 

Would I give our sons lives to save others?  My heart continues to beat as I lose count of the number.

What if their lives were to save someone that I love - like my Curt?  Or our Amber?  Or others who hold a piece of my heart? 

I am ashamed to admit - I do not think I could. 

Or what if I had to sacrifice one of them to save the other? 

Just thinking about being put into that situation causes my heart pain. 



And yet, how we love as a parent to our child, is only a small inkling of how much God loves us. 

Each of us. 






Even those that have rejected, spat upon, cursed, defied Him. 

He has loved ALL - ALL - so very much that through the redemptive life and death of His only begotten Son, Jesus, He gave us reconciliation  with Him. 

He chose His precious Son to save His other precious children - us.

How often do I take for granted what He sacrificed for my atonement?  How often am I so bold that I overlook the sacrifice of His beloved Son and honor "self" instead of Him?  How often do I fall into the trap of loving our sons more than I love Him?  That I choose them over Him? 

No greater love than that of my Lord. 

There is no other love that can fill all the voids within me.  When I chose to love our sons over God, I am putting them in a place of an idol.  I am gaining my worth from them as their mom.  I am causing them to be in a position that they were not designed for.  What pressure I have put upon them. 

They are not and can not be God. 

How thankful I am that God opened my eyes to my sin in loving them in this way.   That He took my destructive way of loving them - which is what it was - and turned it all around.  So many times I thank Him for being bigger than my mistakes.  Bigger in a way that He can totally wipe out all the damage I caused and turn things around for His glory. 

That He opened my eyes years ago to see that Adam and Nichalas really aren't mine - they are His.  I am just a vessel He has chosen to use to train them up.  To guide them.  To love them to Him. 

Each season in the love of a mom to her children is such a wild ride - ups and downs, not knowing, thinking you know, unsure, doubting, time standing still, going too fast, too soon.  Much like the wind across the earth. 

I am so thankful that He has shown me how to give that love over to Him.  To rest and bask in the Fruits of the Spirit - in all my roles He is using me in. 

That He is able to love me more than I can imagine.  That His love is so unselfish.  So sacrificing.  For what is best for me.  Even when it has cost Him more than I could ever imagine.

That He gave me the gift of atonement - because He loves me. 

More even - than how much I love our sons.