Hindsight is always 20/20.
So many times when I have been attacked, I wanted to lash out in words or actions that would cause harm and destruction.
I used to.
Frequently.
Usually - in front of my mirror.
Just me and the pretend "them".
This was my "secret closet". The place that I let my true self righteous anger out. Where I defended me - my way. Not His. My focus was so intent on the vengeful words - I could even pretend that God wasn't there in that room either. And how I did let the words fly. I also forgot there was another in that room.
Evil.
Another important thing I have learned about God and His time, His way. Even though it is okay to become angry, He did create the emotion, it isn't okay to sin in my anger. Particularly, when I become self-righteous in righteous anger.
Here is another example of hindsight vision. I thought many times I was ready to "stand up" and defend myself, but something kept me from doing so. Thankfully, God had not freed me from the fear of conflict/confrontation and He used that to keep my "conversations" in front of the bathroom mirror.
Behind a locked door.
That was Him - totally keeping my mouth shut - while in the company of those persons.
"I have come here to block your way because you’re getting way ahead of yourself."
His way, His time. I was not ready. He was preparing me for so much. I am so blessed in seeing how He has worked and used not only me as a vessel for Him, but also Curt and our marriage, in all of this.
I wasn't ready because I hadn't forgiven. I hadn't let go and given it all over to Him. I was still taking the attacks personal. I was doubting that He couldn't defend me, it was my job to. I didn't believe that He "had my back".
Until yesterday.
As I have said before, even though I have been reading His Word every day for years, it wasn't until I started Blog through The Word, that my heart has begun rapid total transformation In Him. All those years of just reading wasn't useless time - He was cultivating my heart - ridding it of the weeds that are/were stunting my growth. Through Blog, the seeds that have been planted, that have been sprouting, are finally growing In His care.
He has been growing me strong roots.
Finally, I am ready to set healthy boundaries with those that surround me and try to mold me using their double standards. I have left behind the sadness for myself and feel only sorrowful for Him. How His heart is breaking over the persons who are not living in Truth.
His Truth in which I stand firm and live In.
It is so like the crossing of the Red Sea. He is rejoicing and celebrating in the freedom of Our/my overcoming, for crossing over, yet at the same time grieving because of who and what the choices He is leading me to set up healthy boundaries from.
He has answered my prayers.
My heart is breaking over what breaks His.
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