When the boys were little, I held them up against me - heart to heart - and as we would hug tightly, in each others ear we would whisper, "ding,ding,ding". We called it our "fillups".
A way we still hug.
Yesterday at 7am, Nichalas and I gave each other our "fillups". Looking up into his eyes, I saw that he had tears in them, and God gave me a glimpse of my little boy in the face of my grown man.
Then I turned and got into our car to begin our journey back to Quincy.
We took the same route for a few blocks, until we were at a light turning left and he pulled up beside us to go straight for his work. Our windows rolled down, we gave each other the "I Love You" sign and drank in love through each others eyes. The light turned green
and the last memory I have, until I see him in July, is his brave, tear brimmed eyes and his voice carrying over the space between the cars, "I love you mom".
I am so blessed and thankful for these past days to spend with our Nichalas and Amber in Phoenix. So looking forward to making memories with our Adam in just a couple of weeks when he comes home. So thankful that the many miles between us, God enables me to endure with the treasures of memories He has blessed me with.
Memories that are tucked into my heart.
In 1990, I was diagnosed with a type of blood cancer. Although they haven't found a cure for it, they do know how to keep it stabilized. As I age, there are things that will happen with my body from not only the disease, but also the medications that I am on to keep me stabilized. Kind of a catch 22.
I would be lying if I said I have always been thankful for this disease. It took a number of years to finally be where Paul says, "thankful for all things". Because of my diagnosis I have to go and be checked out every three months. Each visit is one into the unknown. I never know what the results of my blood in the little glass tube will bring. There have been issues I have had to deal with and overcome - so far. And that is what led me to being thankful.
Before - I took my days for granted. Now I drink each one in. I have become one who says words of love, encouragement to the person when they are alive - rather than at their funeral. I find myself listening to Him more in regard to revenge, etc. and let Him "have my back". I look forward to the pruning He does, all be it painful at times, because it is ridding me of garbage. Garbage I have been packing around too many years. Garbage that is interfering with my days I have left.
But then, we are all dying.
"So take Aaron and his son Eleazar and lead them up Mount Hor. Remove Aaron’s clothes from him and put them on his son Eleazar. Aaron will be gathered there; Aaron will die.”
I wonder what was going through their heads.
I find myself thinking about wasted moments throughout the years. I was a mom that played, but how many more memories could we have created if I hadn't of been so concerned about keeping my house immaculate for the approval of others. I think about how I used my time over the years, was it to the fullest. I wish our marriage was where it is today, many years ago. I wish I had of been who I am in Him today, sooner. But, thankful and blessed that it happened before it couldn't. I receive so much joy in watching and sharing with the kids as they are living out their dreams and exploring different places, doing different things. So many things I wanted to do, but didn't make it a priority, will never be, because I am too old. The body just won't do some things anymore.
We are all dying.
There's a song, "To live like you were dying", and I wonder - how many of us are.
He has given me the gift of life. I drink up my days. I don't dwell on "what if's", "too bads", "regrets". I savor the time He has given me.
We are all dying.
How many of us will be more satisfied than not at our end time.
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