So many times during my life, this was my most prominent thought. Wishing I was dead, thinking life would be so much easier for myself, and others, if I wasn't here. Too chicken to actually commit suicide, but living life on the edge hoping for some "accident". I can remember vividly, stepping out into traffic to cross the street, hoping I would be hit. Without a care what the driver would have went through - or anyone else for that matter. This memory often crosses my mind when on a curb. Or sitting on a window sill, nine stories up, thinking how easy it would be to just, slip off. I lived a life of drugs, alcohol, and in all the wrong places with many of the wrong persons, trying to escape the pain of being. Although I have never suffered the physical ailments Job did, I had the mental.
Depression. SAD.
Such a horrifyingly ugly disease. It robs a person of life itself, casting you into a pit of darkness, unable at times to determine what is real or imagined. All is taken personal with a drink of bitterness and anger. It can leave you numbingly paralyzed or running at top speed into self-destruction. Even after finding and submitting myself to Christ, I still struggle with this disease.
Thankfully, ABBA enabled others to develop drugs to help balance my system so I am able to truly live life in Him. He has also given me exercises, steps to take, when I feel the roots of depression coming on. Important gifts I have been given, is my Savior, The Holy Spirit, and His Word. I shudder to imagine what my life would be like without them. In my deepest place, I know without ABBA, I would either be dead or shut away.
It is my prayer for others facing this demon, to see life through Christ eyes. To grab on and not let go of The Hope, which comes when focusing on Him and not self. When living life For and In Him.
This is a season many do not look forward to. Although the snow is beautiful, it is isolating. It is an invitation to stay inside, away from people, away from living life. There are more hours which are of darkness than sunlight, I pray they will notice each day, sunlight is becoming more, as we go towards a new season - spring. Spring - new beginnings, a breath of fresh air, stepping out into His Sonshine and drinking Him in - knowing another "winter" is behind us.
It is only because of ABBA I am able to hold onto the hope of His Spring - I pray others will allow Him to be the leader of their lives. I pray they will look at the innumerable blessings He showers upon their lives and thank Him for being alive.
When I look back from the place of where I wanted to not be alive, I am brought to tears of all the "living" I would have missed. Of all the passing Him on to those in my life, causing a ripple, which is touching lives and generations I am not aware of.
How thankful I am He is using my life as I "live" for Him.
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