"I wish I'd never lived - a stillborn, buried without ever having breathed." (10:19)
So many times during my life, this was my most prominent thought.
Wishing I was dead, thinking life would be so much easier for myself, and others, if I wasn't here. Too chicken to actually commit suicide, but living life on the edge hoping for some "accident". I can remember vividly, stepping out into traffic to cross the street, hoping I would be hit. Without a care what the driver would have went through - or anyone else for that matter. This memory often crosses my mind when on a curb. Or the time when sitting on a window sill, nine stories up, thinking how easy it would be to just, slip off. I lived a life of drugs, alcohol, and in all the wrong places with many of the wrong persons, trying to escape the pain of being. Although I have never suffered the physical ailments Job did, I had the mental.
Such a horrifyingly ugly disease. It robs a person of life itself, casting you into a pit of darkness, unable at times to determine what is real or imagined. All is taken personal with a drink of bitterness and anger. It can leave you numbingly paralyzed or running at top speed into self-destruction. Even after finding and submitting myself to Christ, there are times when I still struggle with this disease.
Thankfully, ABBA enabled others to develop drugs I have had to take off and on throughout the years to help balance my system so I am able to truly live life in Him. He has also given me exercises, steps to take, when I feel the roots of depression coming on. He has led me to set needed boundaries.
Important gifts I have been given, is my Savior, The Holy Spirit, His Word. His Family. I shudder to imagine what my life would be like without them. In my deepest place, I know without ABBA, I would either be dead or shut away.
It is my prayer for others facing this demon, to see life through Christ eyes. To grab on and not let go of The Hope, which comes when focusing on Him and not self. When living life For and In Him.
These past few weeks I have been watching the sunshine coming in at a different angle and set sooner than the day before. At times there is a kiss of fall in the air as our ears are hearing the sounds of locust singing their praises throughout the day. So many signs that the season of summer is falling away from us. Fall the welcome mat season of one many do not look forward to. Winter.
Although the snow may be beautiful, it is isolating. It is an invitation to stay inside, away from people, away from living life. There are more hours which are of darkness than sunlight, I pray we will notice with each passing day, sunlight is becoming more as we go towards a new season - spring. Spring - new beginnings, a breath of fresh air, stepping out into His Sonshine and drinking Him in - knowing another "winter" is behind us. Knowing He provides the continual cycle of the seasons.
It is only because of ABBA we are able to hold onto the hope of His Spring - I pray others will allow Him to be the leader of their lives. I pray they will look at the innumerable blessings He showers upon our lives and thank Him for being alive. No matter the season we are in.
When I look back from the place of where I wanted to not be alive, I am brought to tears of all the "living" I would have missed. Of all the passing Him on to those in my life, causing a ripple, which is touching lives and generations I am not aware of.
How thankful I am He is using our lives as we "live" for Him.
"Your life would be brighter than noonday; Darkness would be like the morning.
Grown me through all the seasons. Only through Him.
So many things He has taken my fingers and pried them away from. Things I was clinging onto for dear life. my comfort zone. So many ways, He has taken my freed hands and put into them His own. His own Hand to lead me into uncharted waters.
I didn't so much love it at the time, but now am so thankful He takes the time to grow me into whom He designed me to be. Yes, I still have much growth left within me, but at least I am growing towards His Light instead of keeping my soul in the dark closet.
I love looking about the changes He has produced in my life and knowing, without doubt, I am resting securely in Him. He is our Hope in all of the seasons.
He really does - you know - "take the darkness and make it like the morning".