"Casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you." (5:7)
For the past couple of weeks I have noticed it happening. I felt He had helped me get beyond this problem. It shows up in larger helpings. Getting up in the middle of the night and eating a handful or two of chocolate chips. Eating when I know I am not even hungry. Trying to cover up this feeling in the core of my being with food. I have been stepping backwards.
I am an emotional eater.
Two parts of my heart will be getting into their SUV later this day and begin their 32 hour journey towards home. No matter how much I pray and try to keep focused on our ABBA, I recognize my subconscious has been thinking the worst scenarios while Nichalas and Amber are traveling. I recognize how selfish I am in wanting all the parts of my heart to remain here in this world with me. Even when I know, without doubt, they are His. Turmoil. Anxiety. Not being able to sleep. I reach for food.
It has been almost six months since seeing our Nichalas and Amber. Six long months of our family not being complete, while sharing day to day life with Adam, Ashley, Charlie and Ella. Knowing our being together for almost a month per year, has and is part of the plan for the next few years, makes our time together even more treasured. It so helps knowing our ABBA is using us for His Glory as His Warriors where He has each of us planted. It so helps knowing He is omnipresent. It so helps knowing, without doubt, the "parts of my heart" are His.
Living in this world is so bittersweet because of the spiritual warfare going on about us. Numerous faces run through my minds eye, those who have endured loss and heartache. Those who, like me, during the holiday seasons remember more frequently the "parts of their hearts" whom are no longer on this earth. My eyes tear up thinking of the pain endured within those I love, knowing the precious faces missed are now seen only through memories or photographs. I pray comfort and hope is there for them, knowing their dreams of future times are put on hold until all are together again in Heaven.
Fear. It resides deep down within my heart and sometimes it will rear its ugly, damaging, head. It utilizes every single thing it can to take my focus off of ABBA. It tries to dress me in doubt.
There can be fear in loving others so deeply. Fear of Curt. Fear of Adam. Fear of Ashley. Fear of Nichalas. Fear of Amber. Fear of Charlie. Fear of Ella. Fear of these dearest "parts of my heart" being taken from this earth.
His Word tells us to confess our sins. I am confessing.
I am an emotional eater who has been trying to stuff down my greatest fear.
I fear they, and other parts of my heart, will be taken from this world.
I know I have this fear because we already have two children in Heaven. It crosses my mind frequently how our lives would have been so different if they had of lived. I often wonder what gender they are. What they look like. The age they would be. It used to be I was so set into self-pity and selfishness, I wasn't focusing on the many other blessings I was given from ABBA.
Yet I have to be careful I don't hold on too tightly to the parts of my heart He has me sharing life with while here. That I don't begin to love them more than I love Him. Because I once did. And in doing so, I was squeezing the life out of Love. Placing too much of a burden on them to fill voids within.
ABBA reminds me I need to fill myself with Him. Only He is able to fill the voids. He gives me strength and comfort (not the food or any other thing or person) to love deeply, "to do what is right without being frightened by any fear." (3:6)
I love how He always gives me at the exact moment the verses needed. To set my focus back upon Him. No matter what occurs while here on this earth, as we make our journey towards Heaven, He is watching over me. Over all of us. We are promised, "the Day is coming when you'll have it all - life healed and whole." (1:5)