After laying in bed for the past few hours, tossing and turning, praying, counting my innumerable blessings - my Curt, Adam being here in Quincy, our Amber, praying with Nichalas over the phone tonight, a way we have ended our conversations since he moved to his first apartment and so many by whom I am loved and love. In my restlessness, I heard ABBA whispering for me to come to Him. Here on the couch I was reading through the verses for today and my heart leaped.
He gave me these Words at the exact time I am in need of them. The exact Words my heart need.
"Don't be afraid."
He was touching me to my inner self, the place where I try to hide emotions, thoughts, parts of me, I don't want to deal with. Things that complicate living this life. I have found there are some things easier to deal with packed away in this hidden place of my heart.
No matter how far away I think these things are, He knows. He knows my heart better than I do.
In 1990 I was diagnosed with a rare type of blood cancer. As of today, there isn't a cure, there isn't much known about it, but they are able to stabilize it with chemo. I have been taking a tablet form of chemo for the past 24 years. Eventually, my body will stop responding to this type of chemo and they will have to switch me onto a stronger medication. When I first began taking it, my body lost most of its energy, much of my hair, and other nice little things that go with putting a foreign substance into your body. Thankfully, I have been blessed in living a very normal and active life, adapting to not only the meds, but the disease as well. There are even times I am able to totally forget I even have this disease.
A few months ago I noticed some changes in my body, my energy. After visiting my doctor last week, we are going to begin with a ct scan today of my abdomen/pelvic area and then go from there. It may be nothing or it may be my body is coming into the next stages from the meds or disease.
And that is why I was tossing and turning tonight. I have been allowing a few moments here and there of the "what if" fear. It isn't that I am afraid to die, I just am not ready. It's so hard to grasp that in Heaven there is a Love even greater than the love I experience here on earth with those in my heart. Then the guilt will try to set in, "If I am so in love with ABBA, then why don't I want to leave this earth now?" How thankful I am He knows my heart and I don't have to own up to that guilt. He knows my weaknesses, my selfishness, and still loves me.
He also knows my deepest, darkest fears. In Scripture, so many accounts of our Savior tell of His reaching down and "touching" in situations where touch wasn't what one would normally do. He came down inside of my heart, in the midst of the "what if" fear and touched me. Here on my couch. He held me and reassured me, "Don't be afraid." So many places and times in my life He has spoken these words to me.
Even knowing there are many prayers lifting me up, my focus wasn't totally on Him. It was on the pain going on in my heart, in my physical insides, it was on me. I was closing my eyes in fear.
He has taken all of me and put it back upon Him. I know He will be with me tomorrow and always, just as He is now, here on my couch. He is in complete control and I am able to stand on His promises - no matter what I will be walking through on my way Home to Him.
How He speaks to me through His Words.
With His touch, I have opened my "eyes and looked around, all I see is Jesus, only Jesus."
No comments:
Post a Comment