Friday, October 10, 2014

"Suggestions Please" - 10/10/14 - Matthew 5-7

 "Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense His Grace."(6:6)


Rain drizzled on my windshield as I made my way over the roadway in the darkness towards home.  Headlights illuminating the wayside, creating shadows running along beside me.  The voices of praise being sung to our ABBA filled the interior of the vehicle, but inside my head were the voices of doubt.  of fear.  of second guessing.  guilt. 


He had drawn me out of my comfort zone in a huge way. 


"Your love doesn't mean anything to me",  "All these years I have looked at you as a burden".  Ignored the last time we were just "us" when I smiled and said hello. But on this day, with witnesses, the sickening sweetness of fake dripped from lips.  Superficial, ignoring the elephant in the room. 
Words.  Actions.  Overwhelming memories,  when encountering the persons sitting in this place.  There.  Outside of my comfort zone. 


I have repented, apologized, asked forgiveness with these persons and it still is not enough.  There isn't any compromise.  grace.  mercy. A relationship with them has to be their way or the highway.  Through much prayer, counseling, I have taken His Words  "And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town."(Matthew 10:14).  Again,  in yesterday's reading I was reinforced, "Jesus,  knowing they were out to get him, moved on."(Matthew 12:15).


I have chosen to take His Highway. 


In doing so, I have been given the gift of freedom.  There aren't any more guessing games in how they feel about me.  I am able to lift them up in Christ Love and genuinely pray for them.  Only through Him, without their asking me,  I have been able to forgive each one and go on - and for the most part - cast aside anger and bitterness.  It is only sorrowfulness I feel for them within my heart.
Yet when in situations where we are face to face, I can not partake in the meaningless words.  I can not act that all is right after being treated, having heard words they have spoken behind my back or to my face.  Knowing there isn't anything I will ever do to gain their approval or unconditional love.  The deeper I become "in" Him, the less I am able to participate in the dance of pretend. 


Acknowledging hellos and not engaging in conversation goes totally against my natural bent.  I feel cold, rude, unapproachable.  I study through His Word trying to learn and heed to how Christ, His followers have handled situations as this.  I yearn for His Voice, desiring only to please Him.  I pray He is seen,  whom I am standing firm in and not self pride.  And He reminds me, no matter what I do, say, they will see me in only one way - theirs. 


 "Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage."


It was there in the car He gave to me peace.  He knew there were moments I wasn't as He wished.  He also knew  there were more moments that was all I was striving for while in this place. 


Worship words crowded out the doubts. 


"The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense His Grace."


"Breathing in His Grace.  Breathing out His Praise."


One step at a time on His highway I am on. 









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