Friday, January 07, 2011

how my heart yearns

for yesterdays. I was making his bed, putting away laundry, cleanup after Christmas and each time he leaves - I realize - this really isn't his home anymore. I mean he is always welcome back whenever, however long. But his stuff, his routine, his scent - it's in Chicago - in an apartment - where he lives alone. Not really alone - God is with him - and I find great comfort in that. Amber lives very close and they are making memories to look back on one day.

I fight back tears - because I really, really miss having my sons as little boys. It isn't that I don't enjoy them now - they are my friends. It's just I so very much miss yesterdays. All those moments that are spent together - hearing their young voices as they play and talk throughout the day. I miss hearing that young little voice say "mommy".

We had one of the best Christmas' that I can remember this year. Perhaps that is why today, the day after Nichalas went back is so very hard. I so, so appreciate that Adam is back home - but even this isn't his "home". He still has stuff in the apartment in Chicago. I know this is just a stopping off place on his journey. Again, I don't want to keep them here forever. I want them to go on in their journey, to have their life that God intended.

It's just that sometimes, I cling to a pillow to smell their scent and fight back the tears. I have a hole in my heart and an empty place in my stomach. I sometimes miss yesterdays more than usual.......