Tuesday, January 31, 2012

01/31/12 -- my Healer

Job 42:12-15 God blessed Job's later life even more than his earlier life. He ended up with fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, one thousand teams of oxen, and one thousand donkeys. He also had seven sons and three daughters. He named the first daughter Dove, the second, Cinnamon, and the third, Darkeyes. There was not a woman in that country as beautiful as Job's daughters. Their father treated them as equals with their brothers, providing the same inheritance.

Again, as I read how God blessed Job even more than before, I wonder did he struggle to be thankful? Was he afraid at times it would be ripped from him again? He had to of mourned his other children. Was his wife bitter?

I know I grieved over the loss of our two babies. At times, I think about how old they'd be today, wonder what they would look like, be doing, how different our lives would have been with them here. I know one day we'll all be together again. And yet, I feel sad and realize I am being selfish for they are in a far, far better place. They are with God. Perhaps that is how Job felt.

Paul writes we are to be thankful for all things. We are promised all things work for His glory. If I focus on me - what I missed out on - then my selfishness over shadows the fact the kids are with you. You know best. In all things I am trying to be thankful. Trust in you - even when it hurts. Focus on you - to get through this journey. Faith that you want the best for me. Treasure your Word within my heart to strengthen me when I get down.

You are my healer.

Monday, January 30, 2012

01/30/12 - Let it go

Job 40:4,5 "I'm speechless, in awe—words fail me. I should never have opened my mouth! I've talked too much, way too much. I'm ready to shut up and listen."

Sadly, I find comfort that even Job had the same problem I have - flappy mouth. Two ears - one mouth - for a reason.

How often do I ignore the Holy Spirit prodding me to shut up. Hear your voice telling me to, "let it go Deby". See how Christ forgave and gave mercy/grace and I don't. I am trying!

Reading your words throughout chapters 38-40 - You are I AM. And yet, I still take you for granted, see my "self" as the center of this world. How many times my one mouth overcomes the work of two eyes. Focus - Focus is the key.

I pray that I may change my focus to you. Whenever I am feeling that my "self" isn't getting the fair end of things, the respect, buttons pushed, all the things satan shoots at me. What he wallows in. I pray that my focus will remain on you. To be as Christ.

How often I come away from a "floppy mouth" session feeling physically sick in the pit of my stomach. How often I pray to change - over and over - and still - you love me. You encourage me. You help me. You strengthen me.

Your Word - how it fortifies me.

Two eyes - two ears - one mouth - for a reason...........

Sunday, January 29, 2012

01/29/12 Only Him

Job 37:23-24 "Mighty God! Far beyond our reach! Unsurpassable in power and justice!
It's unthinkable that he'd treat anyone unfairly.
So bow to him in deep reverence, one and all! If you're wise, you'll most certainly worship him."

How thankful I am that the words Elihu spoke were not all correct. How thankful I am that you are within reach - that you live within me. That you are not a distant god who sits on his throne raining down fire/brimstone. I love that you are my Daddy.

One who delights in me, who desires to be with me, to know me, share all with, who is proud of me, who I know I make your heart smile. One who loves me and looks upon me as I do our own children.

I am so thankful for how you are growing me. The persons you have given to me as "family". This morning with Kathy, my sister in you. Last night with our "family group" just eating and bowling. True family.

It so amazes me how people can reject you, your Word, the life you desire for them. How they can not follow you - run after you. I've been there. I know what it is like to live in the world of darkness. Never, ever do I wish to return to the place outside of you. And what comfort I receive from your grace/mercy. Knowing, even in my faults, you still envelope me. Christ blood has/does cover me - completely. What freedom there is in that. Yes, I need accountability. I need your direction. But, in you there isn't any should have's, guilting, or destruction. You build me up - you fortify me - you cleanse me. How and why would anyone not want you?

I continue to pray for the one to disciple. To look through your eyes. What I do see happening as I pray for this, watch for this, is that more often than not - you are my focus. Everywhere I go I see it as a moment, an encounter to share you. I pray you'll continue to use me to grab those outside of you from the grasp of satan. To introduce them to the most wonderful life ever.

Please help me to step back and let you. That I will not be seen or heard - only you.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

01/28/12 - Corrections

Job 33:29-30 "This is the way God works. Over and over again He pulls our souls back from certain destruction so we'll see the light—and live in the light!

How thankful I am for you and your control. Your way. Whenever I think back on the steps I have taken, and where I could be today without you, it shames and humbles me. How much you love me. How often you took care of me - even when I wasn't aware of your care. Through all the mistakes, you were there. Thank you.

I am so blessed - so grateful - so relieved and free - that because I am in you it is all wiped clean. No more.

Curt and I were talking last night about how when we think of how we parented - Adam especially - the way we snuffed out who you designed him to be - and tried to mold him into our image of the perfect child. It brings tears to my eyes and I even feel sick to my stomach. Curt does too.

That is my greatest wish for a do-over. How often I regret I was not the woman in God that I am today to raise them. How so very thankful I am that you are bigger than our mistakes. that you have taken both of them and they are men of you - in you. I pray Adam will forgive me - more than that - that I will forgive me.

I see now satan wants me to cling to those feelings of failure. Adam doesn't feel that way. I know he loves me and has said many times what a wonderful childhood he had. They have both shared often how they wish they could go back in time. Thank you for your wisdom that lives within me through your word. To speak truth to me when I hear the lies of satan and self.

Job 32:8 "It's God's Spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty One, that makes wise human insight possible." Only then am I able to see myself correctly - through you. "For I am fearfully and wonderfully made".

How your Word rebuilds me and strengthens me - corrects my vision.

Friday, January 27, 2012

01/27/12 - Genealogy

Job 30-31

Job led a Godly life - and wondered "why him?" (Mat 5:45 keeps running through my mind of the rain falling on the righteous and unrighteous). As long as we live on this earth, no matter how closely we walk with God, there will always be some of the "fallout" affecting us. I am so thankful for His hedge of protection - to be under His umbrella that prevents "all" effects of sin to attack me. Even in Job - He put limits on satan.

Job makes me realize it isn't about the physical - it's about the spiritual battle. The battle for the soul. So like Job, no matter the damage to this physical life while on earth - I must as Paul says - not lose focus and finish the race. It again goes back to trust/faith/focus. TFF - no matter what.

And honestly, that can be scary to me. To lose all as Job did. And then I think of God. He who gave up His only Son for me. Again, my perspective is changed. As I think of myself, losing all I have (my family), I am scared, want to stop time. When I change and focus on Him - my Daddy - who gave up His "family" for me, I see love and yearn to be with Him. Focus - no matter what I go through will never be more than what He, Christ, and the Holy Spirit did for me.

I am thankful for how He is helping me relate - to see His Word as my genealogy. It is drawing me closer to Him. When I couldn't sleep this early am, I was going over the scriptures I had read and fell asleep between Joseph and Job. I love Joseph and all he is teaching me. I so look forward to meeting him and just listening to him. He has taught me it is "safe" to forgive and trust. To be vulnerable, because He will use it for His glory. I also was continuing to pray for the person He wants me to disciple. May I continue to watch through His eyes not mine.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

01/26/12 - An onion

Job 28:27,28 He focused on Wisdom, made sure it was all set and tested and ready.
Then He addressed the human race: 'Here it is!
Fear-of-the-Lord—that's Wisdom,and Insight means shunning evil.'"

Do I shun evil? I feel like I am an onion and you are peeling off the layers. I have fallen in love with your wisdom. What a wonderful leader for my life. I know the issues I struggle with are its' way of cleansing me for you.

While sitting and listening in Disciple class last night, I am well aware that I sit in my comfort zone. Although I claim to love you so, I am still focusing so much on me and not on lost souls - or souls that you put into my life to disciple. I have always just been a "seed planter". Are you changing my job? Or is this about Curt? I could see that - I do see him as a disciple and I would be content to let him be our team leader. He has so much patience, gentleness, strength, wisdom - he really is a strong leader - he just hasn't seen himself that way - yet.

We have been challenged to pray every day for a person to disciple and see who God puts into our path. Help me to set aside me and focus on you. To look at the world through your eyes and not mine, so there aren't any souls I overlook. Only through your wisdom will this work - your words - your time - your way. It has to be all about you.

So today is day #1 that I begin praying for a person to disciple - please bring them into my life for you. What I hear you say through your scripture - I am giving you my Wisdom - the evil I want you to shun is that you serve your self - serve me instead.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

01/25/12 - My Daddy

Job 23:16 "Is it any wonder that I dread meeting him? Whenever I think about it, I get scared all over again.God makes my heart sink! God Almighty gives me the shudders!"

How thankful I am to be In Christ, who I am resting In. My "defense lawyer", who has already won my case. My bridge to you - so I may have an intimate relationship with you. You - who are "I AM".

It blows me away when I think that YOU desire me. YOU - the creator of all, the God of all, the Most High - desire and love - me. For always have you done so - and for always - you shall continue to love me and draw me closer to you. I love that at any time I may climb up into your lap and share my joys, sorrows, just share. I love that YOU are my Daddy - my Abba.

You have been leading me to see my focus/faith/trust continually needs to be in you. You are helping me to take off, lay down and leave behind the burdens satan, and myself, have "shoulded" me into carrying all these years. Your Son has cleansed me whiter than snow.

As I shed the past, the anger, bitterness, shame - how delightful it feels. Youthful. It makes my heart and spirit feel youthful. The burdens I take on, the darkness of sin not only weighs me down, it ages me. I think of my friends who live/focus/delight in you, and their eyes - the windows of their soul - are so bright they twinkle. I want that. They are forever youthful. I am so thankful you are transforming me. That as I drink you in, delight transforms me.

How I love and adore you.

I've decided I need to keep a log of how Curt touches my heart, makes me smile - laugh each day - as I forget. Thank you for the smiles in my heart. You gave to me such a gift - all that I needed - in him - my Curt. Thank you - for I do so love him, our sons and daughter.

What a blessed life I have -

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

01/24/12 The self-pity party

Job 21:4-22
As I read Job express his views on how unfair it is the wicked thrive - I then chew on verse 22 "But who are we to tell God how to run his affairs? He's dealing with matters that are way over our heads." Kinda puts things in perspective. Only He can see the whole paradigm.

It is my having faith and trust the He will make things right - He will seek/obtain revenge. Although I feel so vulnerable, I know I am taking steps to relinquish control (as though I actually have control lol). To focus on Him. What I can do for Him. Not wallow in self-pity - to rise above that and live for Him. Focus on Him - not compare or covet. Gets me in trouble every time. He takes care of me and provides what I need and many times what I want. It isn't about the stuff or the drama - it's about the spirit and souls.

My deepest prayer for the past year has/is to let go of all the anger and bitterness. To be free from it so when I encounter persons who "press the buttons of the past", I remain unfazed. I remain strong in Him, I remain so strong in Him that none of the Gifts of the Spirit do I allow to be robbed - particularly my Gift of Joy. I yearn to live in Him - drinking in the Gifts of the Spirit - wallowing in them - consuming them until they consume me - I so want to be free of the anger and bitterness - Job 21:25 "Others die bitter and bereft, never getting a taste of happiness." I do not want to be one of the "others"...........

Monday, January 23, 2012

01/23/12 Your stepping stones

Job 16:18 "O Earth, don't cover up the wrong done to me! Don't muffle my cry! 19 There must be Someone in heaven who knows the truth about me, in highest heaven, some Attorney who can clear my name - 20 My Champion, my Friend, while I'm weeping my eyes out before God. 21 I appeal to the One who represents mortals before God as a neighbor stands up for a neighbor. 22 "Only a few years are left before I set out on the road of no return.

Job is crying out to a savior - again - how very thankful I am for my Christ. for all - my Daddy, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and your Word. Thank you.

As I read Job's words, hear his anger, heartbreak, pleas for help - I can not help but wonder in years later - when his life is blessed again - as he is looking upon his "replacement children" - what went through his mind as his memories of this time came back - or did they ever, really leave. Did he become angry at God all over again? Or was he able to let it go and let God? I'm reminded again of Joseph - all he let go and let God. What a man of trust/faith. he really looked at life through your eyes. I pray I too may do so - that I will let go and let you - totally. your words "all for my glory" keeps running through my mind.

My stumbling blocks become your stepping stones.................

01/22/12 - security

Job 12:13 "True wisdom and real power belong to God; from him we learn how to live, and also what to live for." Job 12:16 "Strength and success belong to God; both deceived and deceiver must answer to him."

I woke up this am after dreaming about persons who anger me. I lay there thinking about the "struggles" I had during this dream and heard you say, "For cryin out loud Deby - LET IT GO".

You have helped me see how my "little faith" is what keeps me hanging onto the anger - my false sense of control - my "wall of security". I am so sorry that I haven't trust/faith that you are in control - that you want what is best for me - because you love me.

I'm getting there!

01/21/12 Open my eyes

Job 8-11
How often did I see you as a God way above me, as a God of only fire/brimstone? I read as Job is crying out for a mediator and am so thankful for my Christ. I read as they struggle their way through and not knowing why all this has happened to him and I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit and your Word to lead me. I read of man having a schedule (Job10:5 5 Unlike us, you're not working against a deadline. You have all eternity to work things out.) which convicts me to utilize my time better for you. Thank you for opening my eyes to you - my heart, soul and mind are yours - I love you.

01/20/12 - nothing better

Job 7

Started reading another translation - The Message. love this! Job 7 sounds so like me when I was so full of anger towards you regarding my childhood. I am so thankful you are pulling me out of self-pity and anger. Job was such a warrior. I am so thankful you have opened my heart to a book I used to not like - dread reading. Today - I love all of your Word.

Job lost everything - everything but you. He was angry, but didn't turn away from you. He came and spoke to you - he had an intimate relationship with you and spoke freely. I am thankful that I have that too. I pray that you'll lead me to those you want me to disciple - to show/teach just how wonderful and awesome and intimate relationship with you is. To draw near to you - there is nothing better!

01/19/12 - Sir Job

Job 1-4

So much of Job confuses me - encourages me - saddens me - gives me hope. I'm confused because satan is with you - how can that be? It also encourages me that Job was so strong in you - a warrior for you. Example for me. Another example of being on this earth and sin is in our lives - the affects and consequences. It saddens me for Job lost everything in one day. He loved his children - otherwise the daily sacrifices he wouldn't have done. My hope though - is you. You put limits on sin - on satan - and you have a hedge of protection around us (Job 1:10 - "Hast Thou not made a hedge about him and his house and all that he has on every side?". In Christ we are not alone. I am thankful for and know the kids are also in your hands.

Thank you for Job.

01/18/12 - my lads

Gen 48:16 The Angel who delivered me from every evil, Bless the boys. May my name be echoed in their lives, and the names of Abraham and Isaac, my fathers, And may they grow covering the Earth with their children.

How neat to think this is my family and you knew one day I would read, study and learn from them. I do so pray this for Adam, Nichalas, Amber and Adam's future bride, their children and those to come - all generations. I am so thankful you have allowed Curt and me to be the beginning of a family sold out for you. I pray all future generations will bring glory and honor to you. To be vessels in bringing others to you. How exciting, knowing we are part of this story in your Word!

01/17/12 - broken cycle

Gen 47:11,12 Joseph settled his father and brothers in Egypt, made them proud owners of choice land - it was the region of Rameses (that is, Goshen) - just as Pharaoh had ordered. 12 Joseph took good care of them - his father and brothers and all his father's family, right down to the smallest baby. He made sure they had plenty of everything.

How Joseph provided the best as Christ has/does for me. Including his brothers - and I was/am a sinner just like them. What a lesson in forgiveness this is - acceptance of what happened, being thankful for it, building from it and letting all the destructive parts go. To see how God's glory shines through everything.  Forgiveness and go on. Continue on my journey to heaven. Thank you for your Word and my family that lives within the scriptures. 

01/16/12 - thankful for all things

Gen 45:5,7
5 But don't feel badly, don't blame yourselves for selling me. God was behind it. God sent me here ahead of you to save lives. 7 God sent me on ahead to pave the way and make sure there was a remnant in the land, to save your lives in an amazing act of deliverance.

Joseph speaks to his brothers, he said he knew God had delivered him there to save the lineage. But, why all the drama up to this point? To test their hearts? To let them see how much God is in control? To see how much they really have no power or control and let them see that their lives were literally in his hands? And again, favoritism reared it's ugly head. How Simon must have felt being held in prison until they returned for him. How the brothers couldn't hide from or deny their fathers' favoritism towards Benjamin.

 God is using me as a vessel for Him to "save the lineage" - bring others to Him. As Paul writes, "be thankful for all things." I am getting there. And what a lesson in forgiveness Joseph has taught me.

01/15/12 - Spiritual famine

Gen 41

I hear you tell me to prepare for a famine - not for only for worldly, but for spiritual. To be prepared for these who are/will be hungry for you. Why you are having us go through the Disciple course. to prepare finacially, organizing, etc., to be a good steward, to exercise, to prepare my body for old age. to be discerning in my life as your Word guides me - to listen.

My biggest regret is not teaching/introducing Adam and Nichalas to the persons in scripture correctly - as our family - our geneology. Our family roots. So much more than just "stories in the Bible". Please may I with our grandchildren!

01/14/12 - favoritism = damage

Gen 37-39

I'm reading this and thinking the world isn't that old and already what a mess. Favoritism from Jacob to Joseph. How much damage it creates. I pray that Adam and Nichalas feel equally loved and treasured - for they are. I pray that my anger over past happenings didn't cause Adam to feel less. I pray he knows how much I/we love him. Always have - since I knew he was within me.

01/13/12 - resentment or love

Gen 35:6 "Esau took all he had and moved away from Jacob to the hill country because when combined all their belongings were too much for the land to sustain them."

I wonder how their relationship was - if Esau held resentment. Jacob was in his birthplace, his rightful inheritance, which he had established since Jacob was gone. I wonder if Esau ever said, "Jacob, Jacob, Jacob" like "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia"...... Was he a godly man who accepted and thanked God? Were they close in later years?

  There are people I struggle with apathy towards. I'm almost at the stage where I feel nothing - when I know I need to pray for them. Please help me set myself aside and love/see them  as you do.  That I will give over to you "buttons" that no longer can be pushed.  As I write this, I know I am only doing so because I'm "supposed" to. My heart is hardened towards them as a protection. Bitterness/anger replaces the love that needs to be there - a lot of scar tissue. I pray for faith and trust in your removing the protection I developed and replace it with your protection of love.

01/12/12 - my way

Gen 32 -35 "oh yea of little faith" I keep hearing Curt say this to me. How many times am I like Jacob. Go about trying to do things my way - then consult God. How many times I am following His lead and stop - only to cry out in fear, worry, or anger because life is unfair. That's all you want - my love, my trust, my faith in you.

01/11/12 - filthy rich

Genesis 30:30 "For deby, you had little before I came, and now you are blessed wherever you go."

No, I am not filthy rich with money - would be nice I think - but - I am so blessed in my relationships - with you, my husband, whom I so, so love. Our sons and daughter. Thank you for this place - our business where I get to spend so much time with my best friend. A business that is a tool for you and supports us. Faith and trust - thank you.

01/10/12 - never satisfied

Gen 30:23
"May the Lord give me another son"

Rachael had just had Joseph! Just like me - never satisfied - always wanting a little bit more, instead of being content. And often, my dissatisfaction ruins the joy of what I do have. I need to focus on now - the many, many blessings you have given me. And now I am afraid to ask for your help, because you may strip me of everything. Curt, boys, etc. I did learn from Jane Fonda yesterday to embrace my fears, become its' best friend - know it - so it doesn't have any power over me. Fear is only as big as I allow it to be. To know you are I am and no fear is bigger than you. So - I am going to try and be content - to be a good steward of what you have blessed me with - budget, organized, time management, etc. To step up to my fears - not cower in darkness of bitterness and anger. That's what I do - I'm the barking Bailey - Time to stop at 52 - I'm learning.

01/09/12 -me or Him

Gen 26:28
"We see plainly that the Lord has/is with you."

I do pray this - that everyone, particularly Curt does - because he is the only person I am almost totally myself with. Even with him I hold back a little. Trust - love is scary for me. I am learning to let go - let you in all things.

01/08/12 - buttons of my past

Gen 25:22
Rebekah inquired to you why her twins "struggled" within her womb. Do I inquire/listen when I am in struggles of life? At times. Right now I struggle with loving, even liking, persons who are "struggles" for me. (I know I too cause "struggles".) I also recognize they push buttons of my past from those in my childhood who treated me as though I didn't matter. I can look back and see so many who created "struggles". I "struggle" to be Christlike - not melike. So, I need to llisten to you and your Word. I need to give you my "struggles".

01/07/12 - consequences

Gen 21:8-24;67
Thank you - so many emotions. Abraham sending Hagaar and Ishmael away. He was greatly distressed - yet he did as you instructed. Consequence of doing things "our" way. You provided for them to live - sacrifice of Isaac. Abraham's faith that you would provide - he carried out your instructions to the end. Faith that you'd provide a sacrifice - you did. And how the servant had faith in saying what would happen to finding a wife for Isaac - and he did. The same way I talked about finding an apartment for Adam - and you told me to sit back and watch you in action.

Please may I remain focused on you and how you have/do provide. to not have faith in money or stuff, but you. To be comforted by you when I ache from not seeing the boys. How Abraham must have felt, Rebecca's family. I went to sleep last night angry at another person. Thank you for helping me see that I am allowing her to consume me instead of you. I really must focus on you - be faithful and thankful. To look beyond my eyesight and let go. I will! getting there - You have given me progress!

01/06/12 - Do I recognize you?

Gen 18-2 "He looked up and saw three men standing. He ran from his tent to greet them and bowed before them."

Do I recognize you as Abraham did - even Lot - do I honor you? Strive to protect you (Lot protecting them from the men of the city) because I love you so? I know I can't protect you - but to love you in such a way. While going through the bills in my head today, I am trying not to be anxious. Your word to me, "Gen 18:14 - Is anything too difficult for Me?" You set things in perspective - Your Word does that. Thank you.

01/05/12 - Carry on.......

I'm doing something different this year as I read through His Word. Each morning before I read, I will pray what words God wants me to take with me and journal it.

Today - Gen 15:1 "do not fear Deby, I am a shield to you; your reward shall be very great."

You give me peace in this and also a kick in the butt. Your words to my heart - "carry on my child with my work - don't be so hard on yourself - love you as I do - it isn't about the material stuff - it's about me. Trust me in regard to you".