"all your sins, sinning against God, doing what is evil in God’s eyes and making Him angry. I was terrified of God’s furious anger, His blazing anger." (9:19)
I pray often throughout the day that God will break my heart for what breaks His. I pray often that He will transform my heart, my mind, to be more Christlike with each breath I take. I thank Him often for Christ, my Savior, who covered my sins committed and those I will commit. I thank Him often for His grace and mercy.
And still - I do and will sin - doing what is evil in God's eyes.
His furious anger, His blazing anger. Moses writes that he was terrified of this side of God.
Am I?
I know that I can not and do not comprehend exactly what these emotions from God entail. What He can do and He holds back. He holds back because of His great love for me. For us. He doesn't want one soul lost. He holds back, yet still disciplines.
In my prayer, to break my heart for what breaks His, I am thankful for the growth He has given me. Encouraged and stand in hope that He will continue to transform my heart. When finding myself thinking about situations that bring me back to anger and bitterness, He touches my heart and then I remember. He has held me accountable for the thoughts that focus on revenge and brokenness rather than those of forgiveness and bonding together. His transforming my heart has given me a realization of how much a gift the Fruits of the Spirit are. He is helping me to rejoice at the thought of what glory to Him would be shown if there was a true healing.
During this process of transformation, He is bringing to the surface many hurts that I had not given over to Him - that I had not totally forgiven those who hurt. Recently I read an article about how I am to pray for my enemies. It hit so close to home how I have said, "I love them through Christ", "I am praying for them", when really I was not loving or liking them. Because I had not forgiven.
He opened my eyes that I was hurting myself and Him. My not loving as He does - was and is breaking His heart.
In shame and sorrow I am on my knees.
For all He has done and will do for me - how can I not let go and love as He does for Him.
My heart isn't like a light switch. I do step back into the old ways at times, but am finding, more often than not, I really am praying for those who have inflicted hurt. That more and more I am meaning what I am praying. It isn't just going through the motions. I am able to not take personal the offensive things they say and do. My Daddy has me covered - this is what He meant by leaving revenge to Him. We can't handle taking revenge - it transforms our hearts into being all about us and the revenge is not done in love.
He has opened my eyes to what it really is that causes me to react in an ungodly way.
Double standards.
I can make jokes about it, point my finger at the other persons, but in reality - I am guilty of it. Through Him, I have come to the point that I have confessed and am making the choices that go against my natural bent. He has convicted me of the damage that I have incurred. How thankful I am that He has done this through loving discipline.
Thankfully though, I am finally at peace when this action occurs to me. I stand firmly in my Daddy and He is in me. His ways are solid truth and there are no double standards. He is who I get my worth from. He is whose I am. I know without a doubt where I stand In Him.
As long as I am using His measuring stick and not the world's, I am not affected by those of the world. This has helped me to step back from the hurt - not take it personal - recognize that this is about spiritual warfare.
My Daddy is my Commander in Chief. He is on the front line of the battle. I have to never take my eyes, heart, soul, off of Him or I will slip and fall back. I have to imitate Him until it is a part of me, it becomes my first nature to be Christlike.
And what better role model than that of Christ in forgiving.
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