Tuesday, May 03, 2005


My heart is in such turmoil. How does time pass so very quickly? How do you go through life missing so much? Why do we waste so much time on the things that really don't matter? How painful it is knowing that yesterday is really only a memory.

Seventeen years ago today I laid in a hospital bed about this time, looking down at a very precious gift. Nichalas. All 8pds 11 3/4 - 24 inches of him. Blond hair, blue eyes that just stared at me, soaking me up as much as I was soaking him up. Meeting for the very first time face to face.

As I have went throughout this day, many memories have made me smile, laugh, cry and yearn for yesterday. To grab onto and not let go because time is going oh so fast. Yet at the same time I look forward to tomorrow, as believe it or not, each next stage really is better than the last. I can not believe how very blessed I am with not one wonderful son, but two. I am so thankful that God intervened when I screwed up and made things right. That He answered many prayers to hold them in His hand and guide them His way. That they responded.

I am so thankful that I am able to count Nichalas as one of my friends. I am thankful that we enjoy spending time together. That we share a lot of the same interests. That he isn't embarrassed to go on a "date" with his mom, even on a Friday or Saturday night! Okay maybe it's a small price to pay for a free meal, I just pretend he likes to be with me.

Nichalas today. Standing at 6'8" and still growing, he is my gentle giant. A deep thinker, funny, quiet, caring,introverted, good/loyal friend, people come to him for advice, financially sound, goal oriented, entrepreneur, polite, athletic, and most important - walks with God.

Nichalas' yesterdays. He never stopped crying or screaming when we were outside of the house, unless we were holding him. Coming home from TX one time, the doctor said to leave him in his car seat, he would stop crying. I kid you not, 8 1/2 hours later, we finally took him out. He shut up and fell asleep in my lap. Why do young parents take the word of their doctors as the word of God? In most situations, he hated to remove his coat. Did not deal well with change. Looking back at video - he manipulated me like a trained seal. Would often walk around the house and let out a very loud noise - "Bagrrrrr", for no reason. Always protected the underdog at events. When he and his best friend Lucas attended preschool, they would take turns "protecting" each other every day. They would walk around holding hands. We called them Mutt and Jeff, as Lucas came up to Nichalas' elbow. They are still best friends to this day and now Lucas comes up to Nichalas' shoulder. They no longer walk around holding hands, just a very precious brotherhood.

Watching as he and Adam talk, kid around, discuss ideas and dreams, knowing that they will always be close brothers. Asking God to bless their unions with their future wives, that the generations to come will be followers of Him. That when Curt and I are gone, their family units will still be as strong as one in Him.

Deciding to be baptized on February 29, 2004 @ 2:29pm. In a creek. The Lord blessed us with unusually warm weather that day. We were actually sweating standing there on the sand, by the creek that had ice on it here and there. Standing around Nichalas in a prayer circle as each of us, about 20, prayed for him specifically. My friend said all the cars driving to the the creek reminded her of a funeral procession. I told her it was a funeral in a way. Watching Curt slowly wade in and Nichalas in his long, strong strides go over to his dad to be buried in the water for his Father. Watching the sun reflect off the waterdrops as Nichalas was pulled up, a new babe in Christ. A mom standing there on the sand, her heart in her throat, tears in her eyes, praying, "amen - he IS yours Lord".

Going to Australia, New Zealand for 22 days in the summer of 2004 with People to People. Coming back changed. More grown up, more dreams, more goals. Making friends with a guy who had very long curly hair. Learning that he was growing his hair out for Wigs for Kids. His best friend had died the Christmas before from brain cancer. Nichalas' hair is now 8 inches with only 4 more to go. I will miss his long hair as he looks very handsome in it. I am thankful that one day a child will be wearing his hair. We discussed how neat it would be to look up and see his hair on a child in a store one day.

So many memories, so little time. All too fast, too soon.

Seventeen years ago today, the nurse brought in birth papers for me to fill out. Still a bit under the meds affects from the C-section, I couldn't remember how to spell Nicholas. Too embarrassed to call the nurse and ask her, I sounded it out. N I C H A L A S. The memory that comes with his name.

Today/tomorrow - "HIS" Nichalas


Valerie Dykstra said...

Oh Deby, this is really moving. I hope you make a copy of it for Nicolas for when he leaves your nest. I really, really liked reading this.

deby said...

thank you.

deby said...

by the way valerie - that's NichAlas!

ret said...

You should print it out for him to keep. Lovely.