Friday, August 03, 2012

"Low Tide" - ‎08/03/12 - Zephaniah 2:8-3:20, 2 Chronicles 35:20-27, 2 Kings 23:29-30, Jeremiah 47:1-48:47

Your God is present among you,
a strong Warrior there to save you.
Happy to have you back, He'll calm you with His love
and delight you with His songs. (Zeph 3:17)

Right now, I am sitting on a dock listening to the sound of His water.  Waves gently lapping against the shoreline behind me, birds chirping here and there.  A boat motor occasionally in the mix, but mostly just the sounds of the water.  The water level is very low due to the drought and areas are exposed that haven't been in years.  I think about the mark the water line has left, a scar on the surface, erosion exposed that couldn't be seen before. 

I am aware that I have been in high water for a number of months now.  That emotionally I have been being hit over and over again by the waves of life and then a drought came along and exposed what I thought I had hidden.  My emotional state has been fragile.

It was more than having our sons move out, one get married, the not seeing them on a regular basis.  The dealings with life.  I am seeing now it is about the passage of time.  Of growing older.  The body changes, not able to deny that I am growing older.  Little things - like trying to climb up into the boat and not having the strength in my hips to do so.  Resorting to using a ladder.  It's knowing that I am on the downhill side of the journey in life and trying to find my place.  Of being so busy in the day to day and then shocked to find what age I am actually at.  Of how much time has passed.

It isn't that I am afraid of death - I know where I will be going - with Him.  I am grateful for each new day that He gives me.  I am sad though that this life - that is so full of blessings - is so quickly passing.  I am trying not to have regrets - sadness - living in the past.  But still, I yearn for yesterdays at times.  Like being here and seeing all the young families.  Of all the fun we had when the boys were little.  Knowing that one day we will make memories with grandchildren, yet still missing........

It's the not knowing what my place is.  Does that make sense?  So many years of my life have been filled with being wife/mom, There is a hole in my heart, a sadness.  A part of me that is missing.  As though I have experienced a death and am in mourning.  The death of childhood for my children. 

I am a little out of sorts.  I know He is using me in may other ways, but that was my main role.  It is very difficult to know how/when to mom to grown up sons.  When to keep your mouth shut/open, when to offer help/or not.  How to deal with the in-laws and not resorting to bossing also.  Sitting back and waiting on God's time, His being in control, His way prevailing. 

So I have been lost in a way. 

"My God is present among me,
a strong Warrior there to save me.
Happy to have me back, He'll calm me with His love
and delight me with His songs."

Throughout all of this - He has/is here with me. 

My strong Warrior - stronger than anything/anyone that comes into my path. 

And He is happy - that I am back. 

I sit here and listen to His waters, calming with His love.   I listen to the birds singing - delighting me with His songs.

No matter where/what I am going through - He is with me. 

That is my place to be in this life. 

In Him.

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