Do it just for me. Honor me.(Haggai 1:8)
The ongoing battle of focusing on Him or me.
Struggling with my place as a mom again and my place as a warrior for Him. Feeling like I really don't matter. Desire a closer family, more calls, more time, more words. Just so miss being more of a part of their lives. Is that wrong? Keep thinking about the saying, love something and set it free - if it comes back it was yours to begin with. Sometimes, I feel like pulling back completely just to see if they'll call me, miss me, want me in their lives. Hard to hold back the tears. Tired of putting into this relationship and not getting back. Tired of having my heart hurt. I just want a close family unit.
And then He lets me see that when in my pity party - my vision isn't accurate. He brings into my focus how many, many times He put into our relationship and I rejected/neglected Him. How He always has/is there for me....He never rejected me. How much more He has invested into our relationship and I haven't any right to whine as I do about earthly relationships that "aren't fair". He lets me see that they are busy living life, it isn't out of neglect that they don't call more often. It isn't that they don't miss me. He helps me see that I am taking things waaaay too personal. I am directing everything toward me.
They are happy - they are where He needs them to be planted at this time. They are what they are today because not only of Him and their dad, but also because of their mom....me.
He brings to mind the many, many times they do show and tell how they love and miss me. The many, many memories planted in my heart of the hugs, laughter, kisses, looks, time spent - that I am important to them.
They walk with God. They are independent. They are providing for themselves. They are happy and well adjusted. They have goals, plans and are striving to live them out. Would I rather they were living at home, dependent on us - no.
Just wish there was a better balance between the two.
I am thinking that my 53rd birthday coming up next month, obvious signs of summer coming to an end, my mom turning 71. That this time of having your children be adults and having their own lives - it really sucks at times. Leaves me feeling confused about my place in their lives.
Events that are signaling that time is marching on are really playing on my heart.
Too fast, too soon.
Thanking Him for His verses today - that not once, but twice He tells me not to be afraid - that He knows my hearts desires - that all will be more than okay - it will be all right. To take courage in Him - to be strong in Him. and lastly -
Stop focusing on me. Focus on Him - that all I do - including being a mom - do it all for Him. For His honor - not mine. To let go and stay strong in His promises. To stop taking everything so personal. It isn't all about me.
My job isn't finished as a mom - the responsibilities have changed and I am adjusting. With Him as my leader. My friend. My Daddy. My teacher. My Helper.
The truth is in Him. His Words. His promises.
‘don’t be afraid. From the moment you decided to humble yourself to receive understanding, your prayer was heard, and I set out to come to you.(Daniel 10:12)
"and I set out to come to you."
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