01/11/12 - filthy rich

Genesis 30:30 "For deby, you had little before I came, and now you are blessed wherever you go."

No, I am not filthy rich with money - would be nice I think - but - I am so blessed in my relationships - with you, my husband, whom I so, so love. Our sons and daughter. Thank you for this place - our business where I get to spend so much time with my best friend. A business that is a tool for you and supports us. Faith and trust - thank you.

01/10/12 - never satisfied

Gen 30:23
"May the Lord give me another son"

Rachael had just had Joseph! Just like me - never satisfied - always wanting a little bit more, instead of being content. And often, my dissatisfaction ruins the joy of what I do have. I need to focus on now - the many, many blessings you have given me. And now I am afraid to ask for your help, because you may strip me of everything. Curt, boys, etc. I did learn from Jane Fonda yesterday to embrace my fears, become its' best friend - know it - so it doesn't have any power over me. Fear is only as big as I allow it to be. To know you are I am and no fear is bigger than you. So - I am going to try and be content - to be a good steward of what you have blessed me with - budget, organized, time management, etc. To step up to my fears - not cower in darkness of bitterness and anger. That's what I do - I'm the barking Bailey - Time to stop at 52 - I'm learning.

01/09/12 -me or Him

Gen 26:28
"We see plainly that the Lord has/is with you."

I do pray this - that everyone, particularly Curt does - because he is the only person I am almost totally myself with. Even with him I hold back a little. Trust - love is scary for me. I am learning to let go - let you in all things.

01/08/12 - buttons of my past

Gen 25:22
Rebekah inquired to you why her twins "struggled" within her womb. Do I inquire/listen when I am in struggles of life? At times. Right now I struggle with loving, even liking, persons who are "struggles" for me. (I know I too cause "struggles".) I also recognize they push buttons of my past from those in my childhood who treated me as though I didn't matter. I can look back and see so many who created "struggles". I "struggle" to be Christlike - not melike. So, I need to llisten to you and your Word. I need to give you my "struggles".

01/07/12 - consequences

Gen 21:8-24;67
Thank you - so many emotions. Abraham sending Hagaar and Ishmael away. He was greatly distressed - yet he did as you instructed. Consequence of doing things "our" way. You provided for them to live - sacrifice of Isaac. Abraham's faith that you would provide - he carried out your instructions to the end. Faith that you'd provide a sacrifice - you did. And how the servant had faith in saying what would happen to finding a wife for Isaac - and he did. The same way I talked about finding an apartment for Adam - and you told me to sit back and watch you in action.

Please may I remain focused on you and how you have/do provide. to not have faith in money or stuff, but you. To be comforted by you when I ache from not seeing the boys. How Abraham must have felt, Rebecca's family. I went to sleep last night angry at another person. Thank you for helping me see that I am allowing her to consume me instead of you. I really must focus on you - be faithful and thankful. To look beyond my eyesight and let go. I will! getting there - You have given me progress!

01/06/12 - Do I recognize you?

Gen 18-2 "He looked up and saw three men standing. He ran from his tent to greet them and bowed before them."

Do I recognize you as Abraham did - even Lot - do I honor you? Strive to protect you (Lot protecting them from the men of the city) because I love you so? I know I can't protect you - but to love you in such a way. While going through the bills in my head today, I am trying not to be anxious. Your word to me, "Gen 18:14 - Is anything too difficult for Me?" You set things in perspective - Your Word does that. Thank you.

01/05/12 - Carry on.......

I'm doing something different this year as I read through His Word. Each morning before I read, I will pray what words God wants me to take with me and journal it.

Today - Gen 15:1 "do not fear Deby, I am a shield to you; your reward shall be very great."

You give me peace in this and also a kick in the butt. Your words to my heart - "carry on my child with my work - don't be so hard on yourself - love you as I do - it isn't about the material stuff - it's about me. Trust me in regard to you".

how my heart yearns

for yesterdays. I was making his bed, putting away laundry, cleanup after Christmas and each time he leaves - I realize - this really isn't his home anymore. I mean he is always welcome back whenever, however long. But his stuff, his routine, his scent - it's in Chicago - in an apartment - where he lives alone. Not really alone - God is with him - and I find great comfort in that. Amber lives very close and they are making memories to look back on one day.

I fight back tears - because I really, really miss having my sons as little boys. It isn't that I don't enjoy them now - they are my friends. It's just I so very much miss yesterdays. All those moments that are spent together - hearing their young voices as they play and talk throughout the day. I miss hearing that young little voice say "mommy".

We had one of the best Christmas' that I can remember this year. Perhaps that is why today, the day after Nichalas went back is so very hard. I so, so appreciate that Adam is back home - but even this isn't his "home". He still has stuff in the apartment in Chicago. I know this is just a stopping off place on his journey. Again, I don't want to keep them here forever. I want them to go on in their journey, to have their life that God intended.

It's just that sometimes, I cling to a pillow to smell their scent and fight back the tears. I have a hole in my heart and an empty place in my stomach. I sometimes miss yesterdays more than usual.......

in the pit of my stomach

I feel anxious - I wish I were able to give things totally over to Him. We made an investment today - in the markets - in which the outcome isn't a for sure win. I hate the unknown. I hate surprises. It causes sleepless nights, unable to eat, not being able to focus....

Even after praying about it, taking advice from a fellow Christian who has researched into this longer than I have, I still feel anxious. Curt has been able to let it go - but then he enjoys playing poker, etc. I enjoy playing - just not for money. So......

I am thankful that we didn't put into this so much that if it is a loss - it won't break us. I just hate thinking about hard earned money thrown away. I am thankful that if this does pan out - well.......it will be nice. So......

I guess I am taking this as a learning time to trust - after all He is "I AM" - in control of all.

It really does help to write it down. I am thankful that He helps me realign my focus.

He is...........

Yesterday, I was cooking. I put some vegs in a pan to sweat and left the kitchen for a few moments. From the other room I heard crackling - which I wondered about. Going back into the kitchen I saw that I had turned the wrong burner on.  The burner that I had left a wooden cutting board and knife beside. I didn't panic - just grabbed the board, which was in flames and threw it into the sink.

It wasn't until later that it hit me how quickly the flames could have been out of control - consuming not only the kitchen - but the whole house. It again hit me that He is......in control of all situations - even if I make the wrong choice - even if it is not on purpose. He is.......

I realized also that He is......in control of the flames of sin that surround me. That He doesn't allow them to consume any part of my heart - let alone my whole soul. He is......my protector. He is....all that I need and I pray that one day all that I am.

So - at the end of this year I reflect. How am I doing? Is He consuming me more and more? Is His Word/His ways consuming me more and more? Do my fruits show progress or black ashes?

He is......my bestest Christmas present. He is.......my true love. He is the true gift of grace and mercy. He is....I AM.

grown ups

our sons.


Curt, Deby, Adam and Nichalas - Amber had to leave for work on our way back to the apartment.


Amber and Nichalas after graduation.


Curt and I have been visiting them these past few days in Chicago. God has blessed us with perfect winter weather - at times we were walking with our coats unzipped and a little warm. I drug them through over 100 acres of Graceland Cemetary - full of history - beauty and solitude within the business of the city. So much money spent upon the dead - the talent and craftsmanship so beautiful. We have hit Aldi's and loaded them up on groceries. The things we do that make us feel needed - even when they are capable of purchasing their own food. Eating at Square - where Nichalas worked and receiving a $20 ticket for what should have been for over $80 in food and drinks. What an honor and blessing for us to see how well received and respected our sons are.

Sitting in the Navy recruiter office and discussing the next eight years of Adam's life. He has prayed and prayed about this. He is excited. He has tested well and is line for some very good jobs. Just watching him as he navigates about the city, meeting with people. bittersweet - as he sat there a grown man getting ready to serve our country - I saw the little blond, curly headed boy that could only bounce, skip looking back at me with those huge blue eyes, laughing out loud as he discovered another wow in life.

Nichalas became "Chef Nichalas Holtschlag" this Sunday - promptly at noon. Out of 300 students he was the tallest and walked in with one of the shortest girls. When placing his chef's hat upon his head, he was asked to lean down (way down), and when he straightened up the tip of his hat would have hit the 7ft mark. bittersweet. as he stood there a grown man - i still saw the little boy that used to hold onto my little finger as we walked and talked.

As I was walking with them today, I was thinking how much I would love a do over for all the mistakes, to drink in and not waste a moment of time with them. And God whispered - I give you a "do over" each and every moment. It is a time that hasn't been spent, so spend it wisely."

Life is good - Thank you my precious Daddy. How I love you.

Dear Jack

Re: Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo?

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year ...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo'? (I told him). It's been a year!!!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

Giving up "Isaac"

Genesis 22:1-18


"Often what you offer God is not what He wants. He usually wants that which you dread giving Him. It is Isaac, the well beloved, that He wants you to give up. What He is after is what comes between you and Him. He will not rest, and neither will you, I might add, until you have given Him everything. If you want to prosper and enjoy God's blessing, don't hold anything back from Him. What comfort, freedom and strength there is when nothing stands between you and God." - Fenelon

We are almost at the day of transition. The guys are moving to Chicago this August 01. Bittersweet - I find myself excited one moment and in tears the next. How I look forward to hearing of their journey ahead, how I long for the steps taken so many years ago. When I hold their hand, I am amazed at the strength, the shape, size while remembering how all four fingers and a thumb would wrap around my little finger. How did all those years go by so quickly........

And it is when I am trying to hold on that God speaks into my ear and whispers, "Isaac". In my loving them so much, I also placed much of my self-worth as a mom. Not just a mom, but a mommy. There are mothers, moms and mommies in this world - just as there are fathers, dads and daddies - I am a mommy. And as they are leaving - I am wondering - what and whose am I.

So often, I have/am placing my worth in my role as a wife, a mommy, a business owner, even as a Christian. I am taking these "roles" and creating my "Isaac". Only when I give Him my Isaac am I able to be one with Him. To see that what/whose I am is His.

And that is all this dot of my life is about. ________.____________________________
After the dot comes eternity - with Him. Why would I want to put "Isaac" between Him and me in this dot - to risk my place with Him forever. Why would I want "Isaac" as my self-worth, when "Isaac" will be no more, but He has/is/always will be.

So I put before Him my "Isaac". Each and every day. Sometimes frequently throughout a day. It is sometimes hard to trust that there is better than my "Isaac". That I won't be completely empty - that He will and has filled that spot. Looking back, I see that when I have given up my "Isaac" - I am then focused on His face.

Focused on His face - A face that words can not describe - a "true Isaac".

at the pump....

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

smile

my brother e-mailed me these..........



Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn ,
so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique.
Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed...... Skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like 'The Force'.
It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!