Gen 48:16 The Angel who delivered me from every evil, Bless the boys. May my name be echoed in their lives, and the names of Abraham and Isaac, my fathers, And may they grow covering the Earth with their children.
How neat to think this is my family and you knew one day I would read, study and learn from them. I do so pray this for Adam, Nichalas, Amber and Adam's future bride, their children and those to come - all generations. I am so thankful you have allowed Curt and me to be the beginning of a family sold out for you. I pray all future generations will bring glory and honor to you. To be vessels in bringing others to you. How exciting, knowing we are part of this story in your Word!
Monday, January 23, 2012
01/17/12 - broken cycle
Gen 47:11,12 Joseph settled his father and brothers in Egypt, made them proud owners of choice land - it was the region of Rameses (that is, Goshen) - just as Pharaoh had ordered. 12 Joseph took good care of them - his father and brothers and all his father's family, right down to the smallest baby. He made sure they had plenty of everything.
How Joseph provided the best as Christ has/does for me. Including his brothers - and I was/am a sinner just like them. What a lesson in forgiveness this is - acceptance of what happened, being thankful for it, building from it and letting all the destructive parts go. To see how God's glory shines through everything. Forgiveness and go on. Continue on my journey to heaven. Thank you for your Word and my family that lives within the scriptures.
How Joseph provided the best as Christ has/does for me. Including his brothers - and I was/am a sinner just like them. What a lesson in forgiveness this is - acceptance of what happened, being thankful for it, building from it and letting all the destructive parts go. To see how God's glory shines through everything. Forgiveness and go on. Continue on my journey to heaven. Thank you for your Word and my family that lives within the scriptures.
01/16/12 - thankful for all things
Gen 45:5,7
5 But don't feel badly, don't blame yourselves for selling me. God was behind it. God sent me here ahead of you to save lives. 7 God sent me on ahead to pave the way and make sure there was a remnant in the land, to save your lives in an amazing act of deliverance.
Joseph speaks to his brothers, he said he knew God had delivered him there to save the lineage. But, why all the drama up to this point? To test their hearts? To let them see how much God is in control? To see how much they really have no power or control and let them see that their lives were literally in his hands? And again, favoritism reared it's ugly head. How Simon must have felt being held in prison until they returned for him. How the brothers couldn't hide from or deny their fathers' favoritism towards Benjamin.
God is using me as a vessel for Him to "save the lineage" - bring others to Him. As Paul writes, "be thankful for all things." I am getting there. And what a lesson in forgiveness Joseph has taught me.
5 But don't feel badly, don't blame yourselves for selling me. God was behind it. God sent me here ahead of you to save lives. 7 God sent me on ahead to pave the way and make sure there was a remnant in the land, to save your lives in an amazing act of deliverance.
Joseph speaks to his brothers, he said he knew God had delivered him there to save the lineage. But, why all the drama up to this point? To test their hearts? To let them see how much God is in control? To see how much they really have no power or control and let them see that their lives were literally in his hands? And again, favoritism reared it's ugly head. How Simon must have felt being held in prison until they returned for him. How the brothers couldn't hide from or deny their fathers' favoritism towards Benjamin.
God is using me as a vessel for Him to "save the lineage" - bring others to Him. As Paul writes, "be thankful for all things." I am getting there. And what a lesson in forgiveness Joseph has taught me.
01/15/12 - Spiritual famine
Gen 41
I hear you tell me to prepare for a famine - not for only for worldly, but for spiritual. To be prepared for these who are/will be hungry for you. Why you are having us go through the Disciple course. to prepare finacially, organizing, etc., to be a good steward, to exercise, to prepare my body for old age. to be discerning in my life as your Word guides me - to listen.
My biggest regret is not teaching/introducing Adam and Nichalas to the persons in scripture correctly - as our family - our geneology. Our family roots. So much more than just "stories in the Bible". Please may I with our grandchildren!
I hear you tell me to prepare for a famine - not for only for worldly, but for spiritual. To be prepared for these who are/will be hungry for you. Why you are having us go through the Disciple course. to prepare finacially, organizing, etc., to be a good steward, to exercise, to prepare my body for old age. to be discerning in my life as your Word guides me - to listen.
My biggest regret is not teaching/introducing Adam and Nichalas to the persons in scripture correctly - as our family - our geneology. Our family roots. So much more than just "stories in the Bible". Please may I with our grandchildren!
01/14/12 - favoritism = damage
Gen 37-39
I'm reading this and thinking the world isn't that old and already what a mess. Favoritism from Jacob to Joseph. How much damage it creates. I pray that Adam and Nichalas feel equally loved and treasured - for they are. I pray that my anger over past happenings didn't cause Adam to feel less. I pray he knows how much I/we love him. Always have - since I knew he was within me.
I'm reading this and thinking the world isn't that old and already what a mess. Favoritism from Jacob to Joseph. How much damage it creates. I pray that Adam and Nichalas feel equally loved and treasured - for they are. I pray that my anger over past happenings didn't cause Adam to feel less. I pray he knows how much I/we love him. Always have - since I knew he was within me.
01/13/12 - resentment or love
Gen 35:6 "Esau took all he had and moved away from Jacob to the hill country because when combined all their belongings were too much for the land to sustain them."
I wonder how their relationship was - if Esau held resentment. Jacob was in his birthplace, his rightful inheritance, which he had established since Jacob was gone. I wonder if Esau ever said, "Jacob, Jacob, Jacob" like "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia"...... Was he a godly man who accepted and thanked God? Were they close in later years?
There are people I struggle with apathy towards. I'm almost at the stage where I feel nothing - when I know I need to pray for them. Please help me set myself aside and love/see them as you do. That I will give over to you "buttons" that no longer can be pushed. As I write this, I know I am only doing so because I'm "supposed" to. My heart is hardened towards them as a protection. Bitterness/anger replaces the love that needs to be there - a lot of scar tissue. I pray for faith and trust in your removing the protection I developed and replace it with your protection of love.
I wonder how their relationship was - if Esau held resentment. Jacob was in his birthplace, his rightful inheritance, which he had established since Jacob was gone. I wonder if Esau ever said, "Jacob, Jacob, Jacob" like "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia"...... Was he a godly man who accepted and thanked God? Were they close in later years?
There are people I struggle with apathy towards. I'm almost at the stage where I feel nothing - when I know I need to pray for them. Please help me set myself aside and love/see them as you do. That I will give over to you "buttons" that no longer can be pushed. As I write this, I know I am only doing so because I'm "supposed" to. My heart is hardened towards them as a protection. Bitterness/anger replaces the love that needs to be there - a lot of scar tissue. I pray for faith and trust in your removing the protection I developed and replace it with your protection of love.
01/12/12 - my way
Gen 32 -35 "oh yea of little faith" I keep hearing Curt say this to me. How many times am I like Jacob. Go about trying to do things my way - then consult God. How many times I am following His lead and stop - only to cry out in fear, worry, or anger because life is unfair. That's all you want - my love, my trust, my faith in you.
01/11/12 - filthy rich
Genesis 30:30 "For deby, you had little before I came, and now you are blessed wherever you go."
No, I am not filthy rich with money - would be nice I think - but - I am so blessed in my relationships - with you, my husband, whom I so, so love. Our sons and daughter. Thank you for this place - our business where I get to spend so much time with my best friend. A business that is a tool for you and supports us. Faith and trust - thank you.
No, I am not filthy rich with money - would be nice I think - but - I am so blessed in my relationships - with you, my husband, whom I so, so love. Our sons and daughter. Thank you for this place - our business where I get to spend so much time with my best friend. A business that is a tool for you and supports us. Faith and trust - thank you.
01/10/12 - never satisfied
Gen 30:23
"May the Lord give me another son"
Rachael had just had Joseph! Just like me - never satisfied - always wanting a little bit more, instead of being content. And often, my dissatisfaction ruins the joy of what I do have. I need to focus on now - the many, many blessings you have given me. And now I am afraid to ask for your help, because you may strip me of everything. Curt, boys, etc. I did learn from Jane Fonda yesterday to embrace my fears, become its' best friend - know it - so it doesn't have any power over me. Fear is only as big as I allow it to be. To know you are I am and no fear is bigger than you. So - I am going to try and be content - to be a good steward of what you have blessed me with - budget, organized, time management, etc. To step up to my fears - not cower in darkness of bitterness and anger. That's what I do - I'm the barking Bailey - Time to stop at 52 - I'm learning.
"May the Lord give me another son"
Rachael had just had Joseph! Just like me - never satisfied - always wanting a little bit more, instead of being content. And often, my dissatisfaction ruins the joy of what I do have. I need to focus on now - the many, many blessings you have given me. And now I am afraid to ask for your help, because you may strip me of everything. Curt, boys, etc. I did learn from Jane Fonda yesterday to embrace my fears, become its' best friend - know it - so it doesn't have any power over me. Fear is only as big as I allow it to be. To know you are I am and no fear is bigger than you. So - I am going to try and be content - to be a good steward of what you have blessed me with - budget, organized, time management, etc. To step up to my fears - not cower in darkness of bitterness and anger. That's what I do - I'm the barking Bailey - Time to stop at 52 - I'm learning.
01/09/12 -me or Him
Gen 26:28
"We see plainly that the Lord has/is with you."
I do pray this - that everyone, particularly Curt does - because he is the only person I am almost totally myself with. Even with him I hold back a little. Trust - love is scary for me. I am learning to let go - let you in all things.
"We see plainly that the Lord has/is with you."
I do pray this - that everyone, particularly Curt does - because he is the only person I am almost totally myself with. Even with him I hold back a little. Trust - love is scary for me. I am learning to let go - let you in all things.
01/08/12 - buttons of my past
Gen 25:22
Rebekah inquired to you why her twins "struggled" within her womb. Do I inquire/listen when I am in struggles of life? At times. Right now I struggle with loving, even liking, persons who are "struggles" for me. (I know I too cause "struggles".) I also recognize they push buttons of my past from those in my childhood who treated me as though I didn't matter. I can look back and see so many who created "struggles". I "struggle" to be Christlike - not melike. So, I need to llisten to you and your Word. I need to give you my "struggles".
Rebekah inquired to you why her twins "struggled" within her womb. Do I inquire/listen when I am in struggles of life? At times. Right now I struggle with loving, even liking, persons who are "struggles" for me. (I know I too cause "struggles".) I also recognize they push buttons of my past from those in my childhood who treated me as though I didn't matter. I can look back and see so many who created "struggles". I "struggle" to be Christlike - not melike. So, I need to llisten to you and your Word. I need to give you my "struggles".
01/07/12 - consequences
Gen 21:8-24;67
Thank you - so many emotions. Abraham sending Hagaar and Ishmael away. He was greatly distressed - yet he did as you instructed. Consequence of doing things "our" way. You provided for them to live - sacrifice of Isaac. Abraham's faith that you would provide - he carried out your instructions to the end. Faith that you'd provide a sacrifice - you did. And how the servant had faith in saying what would happen to finding a wife for Isaac - and he did. The same way I talked about finding an apartment for Adam - and you told me to sit back and watch you in action.
Please may I remain focused on you and how you have/do provide. to not have faith in money or stuff, but you. To be comforted by you when I ache from not seeing the boys. How Abraham must have felt, Rebecca's family. I went to sleep last night angry at another person. Thank you for helping me see that I am allowing her to consume me instead of you. I really must focus on you - be faithful and thankful. To look beyond my eyesight and let go. I will! getting there - You have given me progress!
Thank you - so many emotions. Abraham sending Hagaar and Ishmael away. He was greatly distressed - yet he did as you instructed. Consequence of doing things "our" way. You provided for them to live - sacrifice of Isaac. Abraham's faith that you would provide - he carried out your instructions to the end. Faith that you'd provide a sacrifice - you did. And how the servant had faith in saying what would happen to finding a wife for Isaac - and he did. The same way I talked about finding an apartment for Adam - and you told me to sit back and watch you in action.
Please may I remain focused on you and how you have/do provide. to not have faith in money or stuff, but you. To be comforted by you when I ache from not seeing the boys. How Abraham must have felt, Rebecca's family. I went to sleep last night angry at another person. Thank you for helping me see that I am allowing her to consume me instead of you. I really must focus on you - be faithful and thankful. To look beyond my eyesight and let go. I will! getting there - You have given me progress!
01/06/12 - Do I recognize you?
Gen 18-2 "He looked up and saw three men standing. He ran from his tent to greet them and bowed before them."
Do I recognize you as Abraham did - even Lot - do I honor you? Strive to protect you (Lot protecting them from the men of the city) because I love you so? I know I can't protect you - but to love you in such a way. While going through the bills in my head today, I am trying not to be anxious. Your word to me, "Gen 18:14 - Is anything too difficult for Me?" You set things in perspective - Your Word does that. Thank you.
Do I recognize you as Abraham did - even Lot - do I honor you? Strive to protect you (Lot protecting them from the men of the city) because I love you so? I know I can't protect you - but to love you in such a way. While going through the bills in my head today, I am trying not to be anxious. Your word to me, "Gen 18:14 - Is anything too difficult for Me?" You set things in perspective - Your Word does that. Thank you.
01/05/12 - Carry on.......
I'm doing something different this year as I read through His Word. Each morning before I read, I will pray what words God wants me to take with me and journal it.
Today - Gen 15:1 "do not fear Deby, I am a shield to you; your reward shall be very great."
You give me peace in this and also a kick in the butt. Your words to my heart - "carry on my child with my work - don't be so hard on yourself - love you as I do - it isn't about the material stuff - it's about me. Trust me in regard to you".
Today - Gen 15:1 "do not fear Deby, I am a shield to you; your reward shall be very great."
You give me peace in this and also a kick in the butt. Your words to my heart - "carry on my child with my work - don't be so hard on yourself - love you as I do - it isn't about the material stuff - it's about me. Trust me in regard to you".
Friday, January 07, 2011
how my heart yearns
for yesterdays. I was making his bed, putting away laundry, cleanup after Christmas and each time he leaves - I realize - this really isn't his home anymore. I mean he is always welcome back whenever, however long. But his stuff, his routine, his scent - it's in Chicago - in an apartment - where he lives alone. Not really alone - God is with him - and I find great comfort in that. Amber lives very close and they are making memories to look back on one day.
I fight back tears - because I really, really miss having my sons as little boys. It isn't that I don't enjoy them now - they are my friends. It's just I so very much miss yesterdays. All those moments that are spent together - hearing their young voices as they play and talk throughout the day. I miss hearing that young little voice say "mommy".
We had one of the best Christmas' that I can remember this year. Perhaps that is why today, the day after Nichalas went back is so very hard. I so, so appreciate that Adam is back home - but even this isn't his "home". He still has stuff in the apartment in Chicago. I know this is just a stopping off place on his journey. Again, I don't want to keep them here forever. I want them to go on in their journey, to have their life that God intended.
It's just that sometimes, I cling to a pillow to smell their scent and fight back the tears. I have a hole in my heart and an empty place in my stomach. I sometimes miss yesterdays more than usual.......
I fight back tears - because I really, really miss having my sons as little boys. It isn't that I don't enjoy them now - they are my friends. It's just I so very much miss yesterdays. All those moments that are spent together - hearing their young voices as they play and talk throughout the day. I miss hearing that young little voice say "mommy".
We had one of the best Christmas' that I can remember this year. Perhaps that is why today, the day after Nichalas went back is so very hard. I so, so appreciate that Adam is back home - but even this isn't his "home". He still has stuff in the apartment in Chicago. I know this is just a stopping off place on his journey. Again, I don't want to keep them here forever. I want them to go on in their journey, to have their life that God intended.
It's just that sometimes, I cling to a pillow to smell their scent and fight back the tears. I have a hole in my heart and an empty place in my stomach. I sometimes miss yesterdays more than usual.......
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