how my heart yearns

for yesterdays. I was making his bed, putting away laundry, cleanup after Christmas and each time he leaves - I realize - this really isn't his home anymore. I mean he is always welcome back whenever, however long. But his stuff, his routine, his scent - it's in Chicago - in an apartment - where he lives alone. Not really alone - God is with him - and I find great comfort in that. Amber lives very close and they are making memories to look back on one day.

I fight back tears - because I really, really miss having my sons as little boys. It isn't that I don't enjoy them now - they are my friends. It's just I so very much miss yesterdays. All those moments that are spent together - hearing their young voices as they play and talk throughout the day. I miss hearing that young little voice say "mommy".

We had one of the best Christmas' that I can remember this year. Perhaps that is why today, the day after Nichalas went back is so very hard. I so, so appreciate that Adam is back home - but even this isn't his "home". He still has stuff in the apartment in Chicago. I know this is just a stopping off place on his journey. Again, I don't want to keep them here forever. I want them to go on in their journey, to have their life that God intended.

It's just that sometimes, I cling to a pillow to smell their scent and fight back the tears. I have a hole in my heart and an empty place in my stomach. I sometimes miss yesterdays more than usual.......

in the pit of my stomach

I feel anxious - I wish I were able to give things totally over to Him. We made an investment today - in the markets - in which the outcome isn't a for sure win. I hate the unknown. I hate surprises. It causes sleepless nights, unable to eat, not being able to focus....

Even after praying about it, taking advice from a fellow Christian who has researched into this longer than I have, I still feel anxious. Curt has been able to let it go - but then he enjoys playing poker, etc. I enjoy playing - just not for money. So......

I am thankful that we didn't put into this so much that if it is a loss - it won't break us. I just hate thinking about hard earned money thrown away. I am thankful that if this does pan out - well.......it will be nice. So......

I guess I am taking this as a learning time to trust - after all He is "I AM" - in control of all.

It really does help to write it down. I am thankful that He helps me realign my focus.

He is...........

Yesterday, I was cooking. I put some vegs in a pan to sweat and left the kitchen for a few moments. From the other room I heard crackling - which I wondered about. Going back into the kitchen I saw that I had turned the wrong burner on.  The burner that I had left a wooden cutting board and knife beside. I didn't panic - just grabbed the board, which was in flames and threw it into the sink.

It wasn't until later that it hit me how quickly the flames could have been out of control - consuming not only the kitchen - but the whole house. It again hit me that He is......in control of all situations - even if I make the wrong choice - even if it is not on purpose. He is.......

I realized also that He is......in control of the flames of sin that surround me. That He doesn't allow them to consume any part of my heart - let alone my whole soul. He is......my protector. He is....all that I need and I pray that one day all that I am.

So - at the end of this year I reflect. How am I doing? Is He consuming me more and more? Is His Word/His ways consuming me more and more? Do my fruits show progress or black ashes?

He is......my bestest Christmas present. He is.......my true love. He is the true gift of grace and mercy. He is....I AM.

grown ups

our sons.


Curt, Deby, Adam and Nichalas - Amber had to leave for work on our way back to the apartment.


Amber and Nichalas after graduation.


Curt and I have been visiting them these past few days in Chicago. God has blessed us with perfect winter weather - at times we were walking with our coats unzipped and a little warm. I drug them through over 100 acres of Graceland Cemetary - full of history - beauty and solitude within the business of the city. So much money spent upon the dead - the talent and craftsmanship so beautiful. We have hit Aldi's and loaded them up on groceries. The things we do that make us feel needed - even when they are capable of purchasing their own food. Eating at Square - where Nichalas worked and receiving a $20 ticket for what should have been for over $80 in food and drinks. What an honor and blessing for us to see how well received and respected our sons are.

Sitting in the Navy recruiter office and discussing the next eight years of Adam's life. He has prayed and prayed about this. He is excited. He has tested well and is line for some very good jobs. Just watching him as he navigates about the city, meeting with people. bittersweet - as he sat there a grown man getting ready to serve our country - I saw the little blond, curly headed boy that could only bounce, skip looking back at me with those huge blue eyes, laughing out loud as he discovered another wow in life.

Nichalas became "Chef Nichalas Holtschlag" this Sunday - promptly at noon. Out of 300 students he was the tallest and walked in with one of the shortest girls. When placing his chef's hat upon his head, he was asked to lean down (way down), and when he straightened up the tip of his hat would have hit the 7ft mark. bittersweet. as he stood there a grown man - i still saw the little boy that used to hold onto my little finger as we walked and talked.

As I was walking with them today, I was thinking how much I would love a do over for all the mistakes, to drink in and not waste a moment of time with them. And God whispered - I give you a "do over" each and every moment. It is a time that hasn't been spent, so spend it wisely."

Life is good - Thank you my precious Daddy. How I love you.

Dear Jack

Re: Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo?

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year ...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo'? (I told him). It's been a year!!!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

Giving up "Isaac"

Genesis 22:1-18


"Often what you offer God is not what He wants. He usually wants that which you dread giving Him. It is Isaac, the well beloved, that He wants you to give up. What He is after is what comes between you and Him. He will not rest, and neither will you, I might add, until you have given Him everything. If you want to prosper and enjoy God's blessing, don't hold anything back from Him. What comfort, freedom and strength there is when nothing stands between you and God." - Fenelon

We are almost at the day of transition. The guys are moving to Chicago this August 01. Bittersweet - I find myself excited one moment and in tears the next. How I look forward to hearing of their journey ahead, how I long for the steps taken so many years ago. When I hold their hand, I am amazed at the strength, the shape, size while remembering how all four fingers and a thumb would wrap around my little finger. How did all those years go by so quickly........

And it is when I am trying to hold on that God speaks into my ear and whispers, "Isaac". In my loving them so much, I also placed much of my self-worth as a mom. Not just a mom, but a mommy. There are mothers, moms and mommies in this world - just as there are fathers, dads and daddies - I am a mommy. And as they are leaving - I am wondering - what and whose am I.

So often, I have/am placing my worth in my role as a wife, a mommy, a business owner, even as a Christian. I am taking these "roles" and creating my "Isaac". Only when I give Him my Isaac am I able to be one with Him. To see that what/whose I am is His.

And that is all this dot of my life is about. ________.____________________________
After the dot comes eternity - with Him. Why would I want to put "Isaac" between Him and me in this dot - to risk my place with Him forever. Why would I want "Isaac" as my self-worth, when "Isaac" will be no more, but He has/is/always will be.

So I put before Him my "Isaac". Each and every day. Sometimes frequently throughout a day. It is sometimes hard to trust that there is better than my "Isaac". That I won't be completely empty - that He will and has filled that spot. Looking back, I see that when I have given up my "Isaac" - I am then focused on His face.

Focused on His face - A face that words can not describe - a "true Isaac".

at the pump....

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

smile

my brother e-mailed me these..........



Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn ,
so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique.
Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed...... Skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like 'The Force'.
It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

two lines

I watched "Saving Faith" the other day and I really liked some of the lines.

The guy (a Rabi) said to the girl,

"He must of really been showing off when He made you."


A bartender was comforting the priest.

"May those who love us, love us.
May those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts.
And if they won't turn their hearts,
may He turn their ankles so that we may know them by their limping."

luggage

it has decided to extend its vacation another few days. We arrived at O'Hara and it thought a few more days in London would be grand. Amazing what you think you don't really need until you haven't got it - makeup is probably on the top of my list right now. It even beats out the oil painting of the Medina, blankets, jackets, etc. we purchased while there. Is this being vain. I rather think it is a gift of kindness towards those who would have to look at such a sight. At least I have my curlers, dryer and straightening iron, which were left home due to the plug ins. While there, Adam kept telling me to wear a hat - at least I had makeup on to sorta even out the look.

Seriously, Morocco was a mountain top experience. Being with our "family" and getting to love on those boys. They are too precious. The landscape was unbelievably beautiful. God has such an awesome paint brush. To be standing amongst Roman ruins and realizing how many years and lives have passed on that ground. The people were so open and friendly, even with the language barrier. I suggest very strongly if you go - learn French, Arabic, Spanish, have someone there you know or go with a tour. But even more strongly - just go.

I had to pray a lot regarding the food. The health code there has much to be desired, but disease isn't a problem - how He has our systems adjust. It still amazes me all that isn't refrigerated and isn't spoiled. Curt, Adam, Nichalas went with Chris and his sons to the public bath. Afterwards, he said he was glad he went. I haven't got the urge to go sit in my unders in public. It is hard enough seeing myself alone in that attire.

This trip has helped me readjust my vision. Being back home I find that TV isn't something I really want to spend my time with - the simple ways of their culture really appealed to me. The Medina helped the Scriptures come to life - I find I don't want to lose that - to get caught up in the world as I was. To have my priorities readjusted to the hurry of our culture.

Guess that means a Morocco dose every other year. What a better way to learn more of the language.

a chuckle

from who we are going to visit in Morocco. She and her son were on a bus going home and it passed their stop. It was dark by now and although it did stop not too far away, she was very uncomfortable. This is how neat our Father is. When she got off, a lady did also and started to question her about where she was walking, etc. And this is what our Father did for her and her son.

"On a lighter note - a language blunder - and this one in English! When the "police woman" escorted us home she quickly told me she was a "police woman" in English, but with her accent, I thought she was saying she was a POLISH woman. So, we talked back and forth in Arabic and some English. She knew a bit of English, but not a lot. She must have told me two or three times that she was a "police woman" and I was thinking "well, I'm really glad that you're proud of your heritage". Eventually I asked her if it was dangerous for her to walk from our house to hers by herself, and again she responded, "no, because I'm a "police woman" - me thinking "POLISH". And, again, I thought "what difference does it make if you are Polish or British or Australian, you're still walking alone", but I didn't say anything. Then she pulled out her ID card and it said in plain English "police" and had a picture of her in uniform. Then I was really smiling inside that the Lord had provided such timely intervention and an opportunity to laugh!

We're so very thankful for the Lord's promise to never leave us or forsake us…thankful for His guidance and encouragement…thankful for His grace and mercy. Please pray that we would be bright lights in this dark place.

today my adam is

23. It is actually hard to believe. I mean, he looks 23, acts 23, sounds 23. But, when I think that it has been 23 years since the first time I met him, now that is hard to believe. It is also very bittersweet. I so enjoy having our sons as our friends. I love hearing their views, taking their advice, watching them as adults……and at the same time…….my heart swells up and I have to close my eyes to keep the tears in. Particularly when I allow regret to come in. That I did not live each and every day to the fullest. That I allowed many precious minutes to fly by. When I would love to go back to day one and “do over”. Not to really change a lot. Just to enjoy the do over. And then my Father brings me comfort in memories. Many, many memories. Many filled with laughter, with smiles, with just being goofy. How full my treasure chest truly is.

He will leave in just six months. He will leave with his brother. They will have their own “home”. A place where they will create family memories without mom and dad. And that is okay. That is a part of life that I have prayed for them to have. Knowing that one day Curt and I will be gone, I want them to have their own memories to keep them even closer. To help blend their future families. For our future grandchildren to grow up more as siblings than cousins.

Happy Birthday to my special prince. That is what you are. For you so love and serve the King of Kings. I shall always look at your face and see the many images of years past. That first sighting in the delivery room, that blond curly hair above those eyes so blue they looked black. Forever will I hold that precious face as you looked up at me and smiled, in the middle of the night, as you were nursing. The sound of feet running to the door, the look of excitement and joy - because you heard your daddy’s key in the door. The times you taught, shared, loved, teased your brother - and still do. I love your sense of humor. I love the choices you have made. The friends you fill your life with. I am so very proud of “whose” you are. I am excited to see where He is leading you. And there will continue to be times when I have to close my eyes. You know, to keep the tears in.

Christopher Adam - Happy Birthday my precious son. Philippians 1:3,4

supper last night

was delicious. Roasted chicken with artichokes, tomatoes, onion, garlic, oregano, seasoned pepper and balsamic vinegar.

While preparing it………

Nichalas: “Why are artichokes so sweet?”
Matt: “I don’t know.”
Nichalas: “Because they’re all heart.”
Matt: “Ha-Ha”



Deby: “Oh Nichalas stop, you’ve got me all choked up.”

"Grace is not a blue-eyed blond."

Define grace in your own words.

The kiss Christ allowed Judas to give Him in the garden. And then He called him friend. When I am as Judas, He still calls me friend. The tears He wept while kneeling in the garden - the tears He wept for me. Releasing His soul to darkness-for me. Raising from death to live. He didn't "go on" and forget me. He came back for me and then "went on". He keeps me.

to come so far...

and then regress back in just a moment. I love our God. I really, really do. I wouldn't know or want to know what a life without Him would be like. I know that I am His child. I know that He loves me so much He gave me Jesus. I know and believe all of this. And then with just a few words....I fall back to who I was when I was growing up. The feelings that come make me want to vomit. It makes me doubt everything about me. Words have so much power. But, only if I allow them.

Thankfully, my regression only lasts for a very short time. How I pray that that time will one day be none at all. Until then, He surrounds me in His gentle love. How thankful I am for that.

I am facilitating an awesome study, "Conversation Peace" -Mary A Kassian. Wow. There are not a lot of questions, so I underline high points to discuss. More and more I find myself underlining whole sections.

I love how she said this, "When King David was focused on what he should have been receiving from the people who bothered him - respect and kindness, for example-he had nothing good to say. Yet when he becomes focused on his relationship to God and kept his focus there, he found himself filled with "a new song" and began to say good things to his adversaries.

A focus on scarcity results in stinginess while a focus on abundance results in generosity. If we focus on the resources of God, we realize we have an abundance to give. On the other hand, if we focus on what we should be getting from others, we become "stingy" and reluctant to give.

Now that is where true power of words lie. His Words. Each and every one of them.