Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Waiting Game

In some areas of my living - patience is not a problem. And then....

I am having such a hard time waiting for all the flowers to arrive which I have had on order for two months now! Most of my gardens are ready and waiting. I love to work outside and create places of beauty. Places to go and just sit, looking out over the fields, the woods, listening to a fountain, lying in the hammock.

What a joke - I usually am too busy creating more restful oasis that I don't take the time to enjoy the ones I have. That's okay though, I would rather be working than lying around.

But there are times when I do, and God rewards me so much in this silent time. I try to make it a practice to just say to God, "I love you" over and over for at least 2-3 minutes. Nothing more, no praise, no thanks, no asking. Just, "I love you". It's rather hard. Just like my physical self wanting to be busy - my mind is the same. Many times I have to "steer my brain" to the "I love you" section and get off the "other thoughts" aisle. Try it sometime - it isn't as easy as it sounds.

I find my relationship with God is like my gardens. It is good to be creating, working, admiring His miracles, feeling the dirt in my hands, the smells of the earth. Being so very hot and feeling the cool breeze on your face. I always say it is God sending me a kiss. And just as important too, is the sitting and enjoying Him. The silence, the whispers of His voice, feeling His arms as they wrap around you sharing the delightfulness of being close, the total peace that only comes from sitting in His lap. Scriptures running through my mind, my heart swelling up and my eyes start to tear as I realize what love He has for me. It is so important to stop and enjoy the beauty of being in His garden.

This weekend is going to be a time for growing and planting. I have been asked to speak on evangelism at a Women's Retreat. The request came some months ago and as of today, I haven't written much down. My prayer has been that God will use me as a vessel for His words, and I find that if I rehearse or write things down, they become more my words. From a very young age I have desired to share Him with others in this way but I find that His timing is rather curious, to say the least, as I have been in a valley for over a year. My marriage was almost over, my trying out different anti-depressants have made me "bloom". One med caused me to gain 26#'s in three weeks. I was having to deal with past issues that were buried and causing me to react in a negative manner. Thankfully, through prayer, counseling, etc. I am finally coming out of this valley.

The thing of it is though, God's timing is so unlike mine. Here I was, going into church, if I went at all, after the greeting time and leaving as soon as the last song, so as not to see or talk to anyone. Keeping myself isolated because that is what felt best. That is when I received the call to talk for this weekend. I had to laugh up at our Lord and tell Him he has quite a sense of humor. And I think about His patience. During my walks in valleys, when I insist on lying around, growing my way and not His.

I am not nervous about this weekend - I know I wouldn't be doing this if He didn't want me to. I am prepared - His words are there. But, I find when I slip up and think about me, what will I say, what will I wear, will anyone come, will they be bored, then I start to get nervous. I realize that I have taken my eyes off of Him and focused on me. So I am asking, please keep me in your prayers that I will be the vessel He needs to touch others for this weekend.

As to what to wear, since nothing fits, and I refuse to go buy something since I am going to lose this weight and I have clothes (albeit too small), I have decided that the jeans are going to have to do. After all, that is what I wear to church and if it's good enough for God, it's good enough for the ladies.

My mom will have a heart attack!

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