So Judah gathered together to seek help from THE LORD ; they even came from all the cities of Judah to seek THE LORD ." (20:3-4)
The four of them were all on the putting green - the most precious and treasured parts of my heart.
I had chosen to skip the golfing part and instead walk, seeking out golf balls others had hit and couldn't find. It turned out to be a good decision as Nichalas was losing them almost faster than I was finding them.
It isn't often I have the joy of our family of five all being together at one time.
And when I do - I struggle to be thankful for the moments and not yearn for anything more.
I struggle to not keep count of the time together versus the time apart. I struggle not to think about the "what if's" and focus on the "what is".
I struggle to not become paralyzed with fear. To not desire to herd my "chicks" under my wings and not let them go. I struggle to not be lost in the memories of yesterdays.
During our day together I walked over 5 miles. Almost every step in His beautiful creation, I lifted each of them up as they played war against a little ball. I had conversation with our ABBA, who was right there in the midst of us, celebrating our time together. It was another "jewel of a day" to tuck into my heart. The weather, the company, the joys, the laughter.
My heart beats faster knowing there are many things which can happen.
It is my greatest fear.
It begins with our conception. Dying. Only ABBA knows how long our days are. The fear of one of them dying, if I allowed it, could paralyze me.
Even though I know - without doubt- where they will be when not here.
It is my selfishness which wants to keep them here.
I think about my dear sisters and brothers, whom have lost their spouse or child, and draw strength from their example. It helps knowing I am not the only wife/mama feeling this way. It helps knowing ABBA knows exactly how I feel and helps me through these moments. After all, He gave up His only Son - for me. for us. As "Judah gathered together to seek help from THE LORD", He has placed so many other wives/mama's in my life to help me through my journey, to remain focused on Him. He has given me the Holy Spirit to comfort me and keep my eyes lifted up from focusing on "me" and focus instead on the many ways ABBA is using my treasures for His work. For His Glory.
He is growing me during the times I am afraid and turning my attention to seek my ABBA -
THE LORD.
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