02/29/12 - For the entire duration

Numbers 6:8 "For the entire duration of your consecration you are holy to God.

Consecrated - given over exclusively to a single use or purpose: dedicated, devoted, hallowed, sacred.

"For the entire duration"

Not just part or some - the entire - "given over exclusively to a single use or purpose".

It is my free choice to follow God. To give myself to Him through Christ. In doing so, I have been consecrated. Made Holy, pure, set apart by His blood.

It was explained to me once to picture a large see-through balloon with a smaller one inside of it. That smaller balloon represents me and the outer one is Christ. When God looks at me, He looks through Christ to see me, He who has consecrated me - made me Holy. Only then can I be with God. He is Holy and can not be with sin. And that is exactly what I am outside of Christ - sin.

I have recently read a book, "Hell is real (but I hate to admit it)". We are also taking a Downline Disciple Class. Two separate studies, two different authors, exact same words in them. It has refocused me, caused me to reexamine my life.

What is my single purpose? What am I dedicated to?

This morning I woke up thinking about the message in that book. The urgency in Matthew 28:18-20, "Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave His charge: "God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age."

Go out and train everyone I meet. Do I? In the original Greek, "Go" is a participle. "Go" actually means, "While I am going, make disciples."

Being consecrated in/by Christ isn't only a life saver, blessing, honor, privilege. It is the uniform I am wearing. I belong to the Army of God. It is my job description - While in the act of living, I am to be training.

And do I? Does the thought of hell motivate me to set aside "self"? My insecurities, my issues? Do I see the lost? Try to build relationships with them as framework to introduce them to Him? To give them the free choice of Heaven or hell?

"for the entire duration of my consecration".............

02/28/12 - Why just her?

Numbers 5:11-31

Okay - this passage has always bothered me. Why just the adulterous woman? What about the man? And is there a limit to how many times the husband can do this? What if he is just jealous because of his insecurities?

I have found in reading scripture, many times God really has given woman a very influential/powerful role. The old saying, "If mama ain't happy - nobody's happy" has so much truth! The way God created us - we usually lead more with our emotions/feelings, not our brains. We are usually more nurturing. I'm not sure, but I feel God is holding us accountable more so because of this. The role of the wife, mother, influences the family unit and the ripples spread out far beyond.

I really struggle with what exactly is my role in Adam and Nichalas' lives now that they are grown men. I know that I will always be their mom, but now it is more about friendship. I can offer advice, but can't ground or discipline them. I try not to guilt or should them. Hold my tongue more often. Encourage and praise them on their Godly choices. It's just so different than when they were small. It leaves a feeling of not being needed - and that causes me to feel I have less worth..

That is another fault of mine. My worth - I have put so much of it into being their mom and not into being God's daughter. I am blessed that I can talk about this openly with Amber. It's such a blessing having another woman in my family!

Honestly, I used to take many of the ways women were treated in the scripture as an insult.

Now, I see it as an honor.

When death comes.. by Mary Oliver

two books, two different authors, read a few days apart, had parts of this poem in them that I had never read before.



I love the verses, "When it's over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement."

When Death Comes

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world

02/27/12 - His order

Numbers 2:34 "The People of Israel did everything the way God commanded Moses: They camped under their respective flags; they marched by tribe with their ancestral families."

There is such an order about God. The way He has designed everything.

Everything.

This wasn't some rag tag group of over 603,550 people. They were organized. In order. I can only imagine what this sea of people looked like from afar. The gold, jewels, their clothes, shoes that never wore out. All being led by a pillar of fire at night and a cloud in the day.

And still the people had a choice. As do we. To do everything the way God commanded. It is His way or the highway so to speak. On our own - away from His care - or under His wing in the palm of His hand.

My life. How well ordered is it? I strive to be a good steward of all He has blessed me with. Tax papers were delivered to the accountant before we left (PTL!!!). Our home and shop are getting a total clean/organization when we get back. I am tired of losing precious time looking for "something", taking care of "stuff". Stuff can be such a burden when not organized, sorted through and cast out what is not needed or used. I don't imagine the Israelites had a lot of "stuff" to load around. Reminds me of the wagon trains that headed west. Upon leaving they took so many "things" they couldn't live without, only having to leave it along the trail on their journey. I don't want to continue my journey with "stuff" I can't live without and realize I've been carrying all the wrong "stuff". I want my "stuff" to be about Him - eternity - love.

My spiritual life. I love how He is taking me through His word this year. How writing about verses, seeing how He speaks to others about the same sections, has made it more real. It sticks to me. It also has drawn me closer to Him.

Being organized - order in life. So like the universe He created. He created for six days and Sabbath the seventh. Do I "create" six days and Sabbath the seventh? Do I Sabbath everyday - yes. And what a blessing that is for me. For my relationship with Him. For my relationship with everyone.

I love how His Scripture is so alive.

How it all corresponds within itself.

How His Word gives order to my life.

02/26/12 - They did it all

Lev 27:1-34, Num 1:1-54

As I was reading, sometimes skimming through, I was wondering if I had of been there then where I would have been placed. As part of a tribe to fight or to take care of The Dwelling of the Testimony.

Often I have wondered how He decided when, where, whom I am. What went into the placement of the era, the family I have, the area, the state, country I grew up in.

We love Liverpool NY. We could easily see living here. We love Adam's church and the excitement of it growing. Often I have also thought, before the beginning of time, He knew I'd be where I am, speaking, meeting the people I do. How amazing is that.

Then the last verse caught my heart.

" The People of Israel did everything that God commanded Moses. They did it all." (Num 1:54)

They did it all.

What a blessing to live in such a place where more than 603,550 persons did all God commanded. Even if it wasn't continual, to live in that moment. It would be like an Eden. To have God walk among you - and do all He commanded.

There's a reason for His commands. Only He sees the whole paradigm - which is why all He says, does makes sense - to Him. My job isn't to try and figure out the whys. It is to do all He commanded.

How I struggle with His commands versus self. I know I will never get it right until I die. But because of His great love, I try. I pray my fruit encourages and draws others to Him. To make disciples and teach them to train up disciples too.

That one by one we can all become followers of His.

How marvelous it would be to live in a world where "all did as He commands".

02/25/12 - He ripped off my harness of slavery

Lev 26:11-13 "I'll set up my residence in your neighborhood; I won't avoid or shun you; I'll stroll through your streets. I'll be your God; you'll be my people. I am God, your personal God who rescued you from Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians. I ripped off the harness of your slavery so that you can move about freely."

When I was young, I didn't really have any friends. God blessed me with one or two here and there, which today I can look back and see He was trying to save me. I was made fun of - today the word would be bullied. I was not included, ganged up on and threatened - physically, verbally abused. All the times in gym I cringed, when the captains had to pick teams. I was always picked last and they would argue about having to have me on their team.

I always felt terribly alone - and I wanted to die.

Never did I try suicide with razors or ropes. But, I did with self-destruction. Drugs, alcohol and men. At one of my lowest points, I can remember sitting on the windowsill, nine stories up, and just wanting to slip off.

Something stopped me. Looking back I see now it was God. Then - it was just "something".

Not until Adam was born did I really "buckle down" and get to know God. I know one of the reasons I love this verse is, "I'll set up my residence in your neighborhood; I won't avoid or shun you; I'll stroll through your streets. I'll be your God; you'll be mine". He has taken up residence within me. He knows me through and through and still He loves me. He will never avoid or shun me. He desires to be with me. He is mine and I am His.

He has given me Curt - who after 29 years knows me better than anyone - and still he loves me. Wants to be with me. He has blessed me with two wonderful sons, who know and love me. A daughter-in-law, who also loves me. He has blessed me with many friends, who call me, who want to be with me.

I don't know why that I was bullied. I was very shy, no self-confidence. Probably an easy target. I do know today I am able to recognize the victims. To have empathy for them. I do know one of my gifts is encouragement. And that is what I try to do. To help these victims God puts in my life. I know I do not want anyone to go where I have been. It really was a type of hell.

He didn't rescue me from Egypt, but He did rescue me from this world. A world that lied to me, made me feel unloved, unwanted, undesirable. He has whispered into my heart truths - of how "fearfully and wonderfully made I am", of how I am "in the palm of His hand". How He gave His only Son - for me -

Because He loves me.

I know also, another reason I love being in His Word, carrying it in my heart, is because it is Truth. Truth that I can stand on and in. Truth that makes me want to live for Him.

Truth that "He has ripped off the harness of my slavery so that I can move about freely"

In Him

with Him

for Always.

02/24/12 The "needs" of life

Leviticus 25:18-22 "Keep my decrees and observe my laws and you will live secure in the land. The land will yield its fruit; you will have all you can eat and will live safe and secure. Do I hear you ask, 'What are we going to eat in the seventh year if we don't plant or harvest?' I assure you, I will send such a blessing in the sixth year that the land will yield enough for three years. While you plant in the eighth year, you will eat from the old crop and continue until the harvest of the ninth year comes in."

I marvel at our God. He knows we need rest, but a year! Throughout this passage, (Lev 23:1-25:23) He commands that we rest. Our Sabbath. Time to worship, reflect, and trust in Him.

It is hard for me to just "rest". I struggle with getting my worth in my work. He is helping me to realize this and work for His glory. I think about how hard it is to trust that He will provide as we rest. I can only imagine what some of the persons were feeling regarding a whole year off. Provision for their family, livestock, etc. What would they do for a whole year?

We started following Dave Ramsey Financial Peace quite a few years ago. I need to get back on it totally. It doesn't make sense on paper, but it works. It works because it puts God first. Sets priorities. Not only for the material, but also for the spiritual. It causes me to see that this is just a temporary place. That things I see, want, are only temporary. It causes me to rethink things - is it a need or a want.

Visiting Adam - so thankful for this time, has been a time of rest. So hard for me to not be cleaning, organizing, decorating, just to rest. I've been reading, cooking, exploring. I've also been able to drive our Envoy, which Adam has here in NY. We have his "96 Camero. We also had a loan approved and went looking for a replacement for the Envoy. After prayer, not feeling a peace, we came to the conclusion. Right now replacing the Camero is just a want. We laugh that it's the getting in and out that is so hard because we are so old and out of shape and it is sooooo low!

I love the peace that comes from trusting in Him. To know He will provide. He does - every time. Even when we had nothing - He provided. After having Adam, after losing part of our insurance, my income, because I had to stop working and go on almost complete bed rest - or lose Adam - after losing a new home we were in the process of building - due to loss of income - we were so broke. We ate one small meal a day. I breastfed Adam. There was just enough money to pay rent, utilities, bills, and gas.

I had so much pride - I was so foolish. A girlfriend, Teresa, called me one day and wanted to come by on her lunch hour. She asked if she could bring me anything and I said no - on a diet. Reality was I had too much pride and wouldn't accept her gift of food. I didn't want anyone to know how broke we were and I didn't have any money to reimburse her - too much pride to accept that she wanted to buy me lunch. As she left, she wrapped up half her uneaten hamburger and fries, then threw it in our trash. When she was gone, I went over to the trash, got it out and ate it. I was starving. I didn't recognize He was providing a gift of food through Teresa - which I refused.

A blessing.

I have a hard time accepting blessings. I love to give them though. Sign of control and power. Over the years when I begin to decline a blessing from someone, God brings to mind Teresa. In my refusing to accept her blessing, I wasn't allowing her to give a blessing. He is helping me change. To rest, have faith He will provide. That doesn't mean being lazy, or being a bad steward. It means being a good steward of what He is giving me. To share - not find my worth in what I have and do.

He is changing me to help me see this time with Adam isn't about working. It isn't about what "jobs" I can do for him to feel needed. It's about harvesting, building on our future, giving me treasures to fill my heart.

It's about the needs in life.

Love this

"We've learned that when we live our lives with nothing to hide, it strips evil of any hold over us. If we always appear as if we have everything together, how are we ever going to be there for other hurting people?" Debbie Macomber - God's Guest List

02/23/12 "Tough Love"

Lev 20:7-8 "Set yourselves apart for a holy life. Live a holy life, because I am God, your God. Do what I tell you; live the way I tell you. I am the God who makes you holy."

Throughout this passage (Lev 20:1-22:33) He states, "I am God". There is no discussion, debate or argument. He states a law and then, "I am God".

This gives me thoughts about parenting. So many are into being their child's best friend rather than their parent. They are into negotiating rather than being the rule maker. There are many, many mistakes I made with the boys. Thankfully, God is so much bigger than my mistakes. When you plant yourself firmly in His Word, you are given wisdom which is a necessity for parenting. Kids want discipline/rules - it is their security. It is also a sign to them that they are loved. "Tough love" parenting is hard, but thankfully my Daddy loves me enough to "tough love" me. His discipline, teaching, rules, encouragement, sometimes allowing me to suffer my consequences from bad choices, aways being there, have made me into who I am today. "Striving to set myself apart and live a holy life." We are blessed with two Godly sons. We've never struggled with drugs, alcohol, partying, girls. We set boundaries and unless there was a justifiable reason, the line in the sand wasn't moved. When they were young, we took a discipline class at church. I can say without a doubt it was the beginning of how they turned out today. "Striving to set themselves apart and live a holy life."

While here, we have had so many persons come up and share with us how much they enjoy Adam. There have been many persons who have shared with us what a testimony Nichalas and Amber have been in their relationship, their choice to stay virgins until they married, after dating for five years. It is such a blessing I have that our sons bring glory to God.

Only because of Him.

It breaks my heart when I think back to all the mistakes I have/continue to make. How thankful I am for the relationship I have with them. To say I am sorry and ask for forgiveness. I am so thankful that God is the foundation of our relationship. Otherwise, we would not have been able to endure all of the hardships or my many mistakes.

I'm not being hard on myself - just honest. I was in such a depression most of the early years, focused on me. Not Him. Perhaps that is why I yearn for a do-over. What a blessing His grace and mercy are.

When I think again of "tough love", I picture a child floating in the ocean - this world. Our parenting is their life preserver, surrounding them as they float in this vast space. The rope to the ship is the rope to Him.

That is what His Word is to me - my life preserver. The rope - the Holy Spirit which binds me to Him. I am thankful for His law, His Word and blessed because He is my God. How He has transformed me to be Holy.

That He is a God who parents me in "tough love".  His Holy - Pure - Love.
Because He desires what is best for me - even more so than I do for our sons. 

02/22/12 - Apathy

Leviticus 19:18 "Don't seek revenge or carry a grudge against any of your people. "Love your neighbor as yourself. I am God.

I struggle with this. A lot. I try to justify my feelings. The more I pray for God to help me love as He does, the more of His Word He sends to me - showing that my feelings of revenge, or the grudge, are not justified. That they are a sin. That they cause me to have bitterness, anger.

And apathy.

Apathy -Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

This is totally against God's Word, His way - it isn't love. Yes, He does say at a certain point to "shake the dust from our feet", but doesn't say to stop loving them. Stop praying for them. He instructs us to "not cast pearls before swine". I'm all about the shaking and not casting - it's actually easy to do. To walk away and not look back.

To develop apathy.

It's the loving and praying for a person who has rejected me, caused harm to me, who doesn't love me or to those I love . To ask God to bless them as He has me. I fight with the thinking that after being the type of person they are, I don't want them to have the blessings I do from knowing Him. I don't want to share Him with them. How selfish revenge and carrying a grudge makes me. How it comes between me and Him.

I am thankful that the Holy Spirit "moans and groans" for me - that God knows my heart better than I do. I am thankful that He knows, even when I fail, that I do not want to have a heart of apathy.

In doing so, I create a hardened heart towards that person. I am not vulnerable towards their attacks. I am not trusting in my God to protect and lift me up.

I am not trusting Him and His promises.

How like the Israelites on their journey I am. So often, I whine, complain, cry out in fear, want to go back to my "comfort zone". So often, I do not trust in His way, His time, His Word. This whole passage today (Lev 17:1-19:37) are laws that He created to prevent us from self-destructing. Which we are all about. Look at our world today - by not living by His way, we are in such a state of destruction. The economy, the environment, and most of all the state of our minds, bodies, emotions. There is so much evil that is seen in our present world.

Because so many have chosen to not live by His Word - His laws.

Please may I not only turn from apathy towards those who have hurt me, but to all of those who are lost in this world.

To love as He loves.

02/21/12 - Sin is a cancer

Lev 14:33-15:34

I remember when someone was upset because they felt God was too strict about sin - that there isn't a gray area with Him. There can not be - for He is Holy - without sin. The reason He has such strict guidelines is because sin is a cancer. It will spread and consume all of me. It has to be removed from my body/life. Just as they were instructed for the procedures regarding infectious skin diseases and mildew and fungus in these passages.

How thankful I am that it is only through Christ that I become totally clean. There isn't any way I can remove it by myself. I can try, but I will fail. He has given me a way to live my life, to help me walk in His way - but I am unable to cleanse or heal myself from sin. Only in Christ. I am thankful for His Word from which I receive His Wisdom. It makes life so much easier. I am thankful for how He has healed me from the consequences of my sins. I am so very thankful that He has made me whole.

He is my great physician.

02/20/12 - Tell

Leviticus 12:1-14:32

I'm thinking this is where "cleanliness is next to Godliness" came from. From childbirth to skin conditions. And I have always wondered why a woman's purification days were double after having a girl versus a boy. How did all of this occur if they were marching? Did the unclean, who lived outside the camp, help each other?

I am so very thankful for Christ - who has cleansed me with His blood. No more lambs, ox, bird, grain offerings. He gave His blood for me. May I not lose sight of how much He gave for me - to me. May I live so He is seen. Yesterday, the sermon was about telling others of Jesus - of how essential this needs to be in our lives.

Others will not know if we do not tell them.

02/19/12 - Strange fire

Leviticus 1-2 "That same day Nadab and Abihu, Aaron's sons, took their censers, put hot coals and incense in them, and offered "strange" fire to God—something God had not commanded. Fire blazed out from God and consumed them—they died in God's presence."

To die in His presence - outside of Him - no greater sorrow - for it would be Hell - eternal Hell. I know I am unable to really grasp what total separation from God is, but think often that Christ did that for me. He was totally separated from God when He became my sin offering. He did this because He loved me.

I was looking at Adam last night. Again, I was filled with such love for my child. Thinking back 27 years to his birth, remembering what was going on. My first time to see him, breast feeding, hearing his cry as he was wheeled from the nursery. Even that early I knew his cry. Laying him out on my pillow and being amazed that just hours earlier he had fit inside my womb (all 9.14 lbs 23 inches). Thinking how much I love both he and Nichalas - and now Amber. Without hesitation, I would give my life for them.

And Christ - He died for me and also for all. Those He knew would not love Him. Those that would/will offer up to self rather than Him - to do things their own way. I pray the fire I offer up to Him is not "strange". I pray the fire I offer up causes Him to smile. For His glory - not mine. I pray I will love as He loves - not just my children - but all.

For none should be separated from Him. Help me to reach others for you with each step I have left.

helping or enabling

02/18/12

Last night when Curt was walking out of the gas station, a woman approached him and asked if he could give her a ride to her mother's apartment. She got into the back seat with me and told me her car had ran out of gas on the interstate and she didn't know what she was going to do. During the ride, she then asked if I had a couple of dollars to give her for bus fair in the morning. I said I didn't. She wanted to know if they (pointing towards Adam and Curt) would have a couple of dollars. "They" meanwhile were sitting very quiet in the front seat. Adam finally shook his head no and Curt said we'll have to see. When we got to her destination, Curt handed her some money folded up. She took it and then asked, "how much did you give me". He said four dollars and she said a disappointed, "oh" and got out.

Here is where I struggle. I do not want to become hard hearted to those in need. I pray regularly that God will use me in any way. I do not want to miss an opportunity to be a Disciple for Him. Why I said no to giving her money. I had noticed her standing outside the door of the gas station smoking a cigarette. When Curt came over to the car with her, he told us she had said her car had broken down and she needed a ride. In the car she told me she had run out of gas. I'm sitting there thinking, "where did you get $8 for a pack of cigarettes" and then you're asking for bus fare. Adam said he said no because there are so many people begging around here and usually the same ones.

So - how do you know when you are giving and not enabling? I don't want to exhaust our resources for a "milker" when there is someone who really does need the help. I do pray and try my best to follow His lead. Honestly, last night I wasn't feeling a peace about giving her money - it was only a couple of dollars. It was her attitude - like as long as she was in the car she was going to get as much as she could get. Is this my "fear" of the uncomfortable talking to me or God? Even today, I still feel a peace about not giving her money. I felt the peace in regard to giving her a ride. I felt that she was "fishing" for more when she said her car ran out of gas on the interstate. I felt a "warning bell" go off when I thought about going and getting her gas, etc.

The last time we were here, a man was begging by a stop light. We went and bought him food from a sub shop. By the time we returned, he had two other bags of food on the ground beside him. We drove off wondering if this was his full time job. I just don't want to get caught up in the emotion and miss His lead.

Sometimes it's a really tough call on what to do.

02/18/12 - Christopher Adam Holtschlag

Leviticus 8: 36 "Aaron and his sons did everything that God had commanded by Moses."

This day - 27 years ago - we received our first beautiful child.

"Christopher Adam Holtschlag"

Because of Adam, I realized how I needed to become a follower of God - of Christ - to be in an intimate relationship with Him. That I had such a big responsibility in raising Adam up in Him. I love how God used such a beautiful child to draw me to Him.

How He has used a child so often over the years. His precious Child - Jesus - for me - for all of us.

We are here in Liverpool, NY with Adam. There aren't enough words to express the joy I have in my heart - just being with him, seeing him, hearing his voice. The hugs - just being able to look up and watch him, his expressions, to drink him in. He is so engraved in my heart.

I had the same joy just being with Nichalas yesterday. Looking at them - seeing young men - remembering little boys. No matter their ages, I will always see my babies in them. So very thankful for how in love Nichalas and Amber are. How well she fits into our family - how she is such a part of it. Knowing you are preparing Adam's bride for him, that she is out there somewhere - your time, your way. I am so looking forward to meeting the second "daughter" I have been praying for these past 27 + years.

This scripture, "his sons did everything that God had commanded" gives me cause to smile. Being in their "homes" and seeing their Bibles laying out - not covered with dust. Seeing little signs of their church, bulletins, notes, cards. Hearing them talk of joining Bible study groups. Nichalas and I discussing scripture or sermons. knowing that he is leading Amber closer to God, taking his role as their Spiritual leader very seriously. It makes my heart sing knowing our sons are His. Without a doubt - I know our three "kids" are His. And that they will train up their children in Him. I know, they being human, are not doing everything God commanded. I do know too, they are covered by Christ blood, His grace and mercy. Thank you that you have allowed me to live to see you in our lineage. I continue to pray it continues on and others will be brought to you through our generations.

The ripple effect for you.