Sunday, April 15, 2012

Transparent - I Sam 20:1-21:15, Psalm 34

Psalm 34

1 I bless God every chance I get; my lungs expand with His praise.
2 I live and breathe God; if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy:
3 Join me in spreading the news; together let's get the word out.
4 God met me more than halfway, He freed me from my anxious fears.5 Look at Him; give Him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from Him.
6 When I was desperate, I called out, and God got me out of a tight spot.
7 God's angel sets up a circle of protection around us while we pray.
8 Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see— how good God is. Blessed are you who run to Him.
9 Worship God if you want the best; worship opens doors to all His goodness.
10 Young lions on the prowl get hungry, but God-seekers are full of God.
11 Come, children, listen closely; I'll give you a lesson in God worship.
12 Who out there has a lust for life? Can't wait each day to come upon beauty?
13 Guard your tongue from profanity, and no more lying through your teeth.
14 Turn your back on sin; do something good. Embrace peace—don't let it get away!
15 God keeps an eye on His friends, His ears pick up every moan and groan.
16 God won't put up with rebels; He'll cull them from the pack.
17 Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you.
18 If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, He'll help you catch your breath.
19 Disciples so often get into trouble; still, God is there every time.
20 He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken.
21 The wicked commit slow suicide; they waste their lives hating the good.
22 God pays for each slave's freedom; no one who runs to Him loses out.

It is 4 in the morning and I can not sleep. Usually I will lay in bed and pray myself back into dreamland, but this morning I felt the draw to come out and read His Word. My own personal love letter from Him and He needed to speak to me. In the midst of reading about David and the war, conflict, etc. He then lead me to the Psalm above. That is just one of the things I love about His Words. They are so alive. I know in my life I have read this Psalm many times, but this am the whole thing just jumped out at me.

April 15 - tax day. I received a call from our accountant and learned the money we had set aside for Uncle Sam is only half of what we anticipated in paying. Okay..........Many things went through my mind. First was where do we come up with the other half, which isn't just a little, in two days. The second was He punishing us for purchasing a new vehicle? For living in this home? You see, I stuggle with not feeling worthy of the things we have been blessed with.   Therefore, something bad will happen if I have them. This is a mind thinking I have been trying to be rid of, and I am, slowly, for the past number of years.

When I think about how He blessed us with this home, our vehicle, everything else for that matter, I know my feelings of guilt are wrong. Before obtaining anything big, and we are even beginning to do this for the "small stuff", we pray about it. We pray for closed doors if it is not His will. So I know that He has blessed us with what He feels we need at that time.

I then hit myself up side the head - or rather He kicks me in the behind - and readjust my focus. This is His business. His home. His vehicle. His everything. He will provide.

No, it wasn't the taxes that was keeping me from sleep.

I then thought about my weight. Last Thursday when we had our weekly weigh in, I only lost 1/4 a pound. It is unreal how discouraged I have become because of this. I hate how out of shape I am, I hate the excess rolls and I hate how fat I feel. It doesn't matter that people say I look good, etc. it is how I feel. The extra weight really affects my physical abilities in my job and everyday living. I miss being able to put on clothes and they don't feel too tight or look bad. One day I told Adam how much I miss just tucking in my shirt. He informed me that people don't tuck their shirts in anymore.....I don't care! I miss being able to if I want too!!!!

No, it wasn't my lack of weight loss that was keeping me from sleep.

I then thought about the "schedule" I had for organizing and cleaning the house/shop. I did get my closet gone through. There are two large bags full of clothes for donation and I am thinking there will be more when I go through my drawers. It feels so good to get rid of stuff that I don't use. God's timing. Today in Sunday School we learned we are a pilot for a new program our church is getting into. I just realized if I had of gotten through the house on my schedule earlier, then these items would have already been donated. His time. I am wanting things done soon.

No, it wasn't my schedule being thrown off to His time.

It is change. Tomorrow morning Nichalas and Amber will be on a plane to Phoenix, AZ. Amber has two job interviews at a charter school there. As excited as I am for them and seeing their dreams beginning to become reality, it is bittersweet. I so, so miss our Adam. I hate not being able to jump in the car and go visit him. I hate that due to money and time we only get to see him at the most twice a year. I almost cry just writing that. I hate, hate, having our kids far away. Right now, Chicago is easy visiting. Phoenix,Az is not.

I am so thankful that God has given us children that are independent and secure in Him to go out into this world and live their dreams. I am also very selfish. I love having our kids at home. There - I said it. I would love for things to go back 27 years and have that time all over again. But, I can't. We have been blessed with wonderful, close relationships with them. I enjoy and am thankful for that.

I just hate some changes. I hate that time is going so fast and that we only spend a bit here and there together. Nichalas said their plan is to be back in Quincy in 4-5 years. Adam said he'll probably never be back. When I am not in my selfish pity party, I am thankful that one day we won't be separated. That one day we will be spending every day for eternity together - with Him. Focus - Faith - Trust.

So, that is why I couldn't sleep. And that is why He gave me the comfort of Psalm 34.

My own personal love words from Him......

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