Friday, March 09, 2012

03/09/12 - All of me.

"all donated by the soldiers" (Num 31:53)

Where is my heart? Is it in a place where I desire, without hesitation, gladly - donate my all? All equals everything. Is there any part of my heart I hold back from donating?

This morning as I prayed, He again cleansed my heart. What a continual process that He never walks away from - Thank you Daddy!!!!

As I was praying for God to surround our family, as we grieve over losing my cousin, there are some persons that it will be uncomfortable to see.

We never have gotten along - even when we were growing up. And I see the part of my heart I am holding back is the revenge, satisfaction, worldly confirmation I get when I ignore her back. In my heart I have pretty much developed apathy towards her. Even after just losing Brad yesterday, it still didn't affect me on what apathy was doing to my heart. By holding onto that - I was serving self/satan.

I have been praying, praying, praying, that Brad knew God - intimately. All attempts by me to share Him were not responded to. Curt pointed out last night that I did try. I know God has put me in a closer relationship with Teresa (Brad's sister) for His reason.

God had me realize this morning, I am His soldier and I am not even seeing how the brokenness between others and me is breaking His heart. In my weak defensiveness, self, pride, me, me, me, vision I missed that. His heart is breaking, because I am holding on to a part of my heart to serve self.

He is changing me. I am desiring to donate it all to Him - because I so love Him. He is changing me to love Him more than self. Only through Him am I able to pray for His blessings for those I held apathy towards.  He is convicting me - growing me.

So that one day - my heart will be - All donated.

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